to cancel attending a wedding where our dietery needs can't be met

[IrritableBitchSyndrome]

My two year old DD has an anaphylactic reaction to nuts, so we have a nut free household and she and I avoid nuts. We were invited to a family wedding months ago which is now a couple of weeks away. We RSVP'd with dietery requirements months ago as requested. This week, the bride has heard from the caterers that they can't provide safe food for my daughter and I, so we have been asked to bring our own. I'm a bit stumped on how to do this as we are staying in a hotel a long way from home, won't have access to a kitchen, refridgeration etc, and will be going from the church to the meal to the reception making for a 12 hour outing in total with two meals to cover. We would need to bring lunch and dinner for me and my DD, in a format that doesn't need cooling, heating, preparing at the smart lunch table, and in my case follows the FODMAP IBS friendly diet so I'm not stuck on the loo all day the next day and unable to go home :s FODMAP diet means no lactose, gluten, onions, garlic, pulses, and avoiding certain fruits, in brief. I'm reluctant to cancel, we've bought new wedding outfits, booked a hotel, and it would be lovely to be there and see everyone, but I'm a bit stumped. I could take bananas and a bag of salad...? I'm not comfortable at big formal events at the best of times so the thought of standing out in this way is just cringingly awful to me, making me want to just hide under my duvet for a week! Should we just apologise and cancel? Seems so rude this close to the event. I'm gutted the caterers can't provide nut free food. I wasn't expecting a FODMAP friendly meal, but it's meat and veg and potato which would have been pretty fine for me.

In your situation I would ask for a copy of the menu. It should be pretty clear whether there is any nut risk or not.

Teenagers and young adults are the most at risk group for fatal anaphylaxis. I no longer carry an epipen.

sound really hard OP I can't imagine the logistics of doing anything - is it possible just to pop in to the wedding but not do the whole weekend - it just sounds unworkable

Ghostys - it probably is yes. I think I've got stuck in an all-or-nothing mindset where if we go we do the whole 12 hrs. Actually we could drop in, leave DH there with his family and she and I could go back to the hotel for DD's nap, eat somewhere else, nip back later on maybe... I can take her to (bleurgh) McDonalds or she can eat egg sarnies in a park. Less rude than cancelling 2 weeks before the wedding, I think.

You can buy epipens online, they cost about £50, I can't really imagine not having one, if I was in that situation. Regardless of arrogant consultant cunt.

Can you just pull out of the meal? Go to a local restaurant/supermarket/shop and pick up food for you both then head back once they've finished eating?

Would it not be possible to order av takeaway to be delivered? You have said McD's are okay for you and little one, so could this be a solution?

Maybe order through Just Eat or something?

Must be very difficult.

Mistigri - yes, our consultant is I'm sure right in thinking teens are less good at being assertive and thorough and risk assessing than over anxious toddler parents!

Lots of restaurants can and do cater for nut allergies
Yes but no venue with any sense will cater for a person with an allergy so severe that they require food to be prepared in a nut free environment, it's not possible. I can't eat pecan pie = fine, I can't come in within air contact of nuts = not fine.

Most venues are pretty accommodating and happy to put your food in the fridge until you need it
This is actually a health code voilation. You shoudnt store any food 'unknown food' with your produce. In theory OPs food could be from a foriegn country and have some kind of parasite or have a fungus or anything which is coming into the same space and contaminating the rest of their produce. In my old work we got marked down by the Environmental Health Officer for storing our own personal bottles of pop/juice in our fridge because they were unsealed and not date labelled, they are crazy stict.

She's 2, having her own food, nobody will mind darling, stop worrying yourself unnecessarily.

Take some food, do what you have to do, don't give it a second thought, and enjoy the day. :)

Toooldtobearsed - deliver a meal to the venue. What an interesting idea! Totally hadn't thought of that! Will look into it :)

I think it is more than just at risk behaviour, teens and young adults also tend to have worse reactions. Was true for me - severely peanut allergic but first full blown anaphylaxis as a twenty something (and not to peanuts).

If you are not allergic to nuts then restricting your own diet so severely, especially If the wedding meal is not a high risk one, is a bit U tbh.

Epipens aren't normally prescribed until the child is above the minimum weight, which she won't be at 2.

My DS is multiple allergic and we carry an epipen. I honestly think you are msaking a mountain out of a molehill here. I doubt any kitchen will be able to guarantee completely nut free, but realistically it is unlikely that meat, potatoes and veg will have any nut traces.

If you really don't want to take the chance, what about one of those John West tuna meals, instant noodles (they must have hot water)?Bagels and peperami are our plane food as there's never anything DS can have on the flight and theyre not going to go off.

Why not buy one of those insulated bowls, then you can bring something and it will stay warm? You can get them really cheap and the food stays warm. DS uses one for packed lunches.

My sister has a severe nut allergy.

Most places you can pick sensibly from a menu and reduce the risk to being very minimale. I don't think many place wokld guarantee nut free as that is very unrealistic.

I think you need to go to start to show her that she can lead a normal life with a nut allergy. You don't want her growing up thinking she can't go anywhere and do anything because of it. The more you do stuff the more you'll get used to it and find ways around it.

Yeah - agree with trixy - I am allergic to peanut and mustard and for a wedding-type meal i would have no concerns about peanut allergy (mustard likely more of an issue).

Just because nut free is not guaranteed does not mean there is a risk.

What nuts is your dd allergic to?

No really, it doesn't matter that you are staying in a hotel the night before.

You buy a cool box or bag, you buy ice blocks and freeze them at home, and then when you leave home pop everything in the cool box and it will stay cold for way more than 24 hours as long as you don't keep opening it and letting the cold air out.

How on earth do you think people who go camping deal with food?

Also put a wet tea towel over the cool box/bag to evaporate off which helps keep it cool too. Obvs keep wetting it.

Cool box better than bag.

you are going to have to take DD food (and your own if it's so restrictive) every time you girl events. Might was well invest in a really nice cool box now.

Irritable if you cannot find a takeaway that is suitable, find the local McD's/ Weatherspoons and arrange for a taxi pick up/drop off.

Should not be horrendously expensive unless you are in the middle of nowhere!

Fingers crossed for you.

Is it possible to speak directly with the caterers? It may be easier (and less stress for the wedding party) to tell them directly the severity of your DD's allergy.

Sushi.

Why did the bride not think about a sushi master chef?

If your requirements are so severe that the only places you can eat out are Macdonalds and Wetherspoons it isn't at all surprising that the caterer feel they can't help.

I have a very severe nut allergy. In situations like this I contact the caterer directly and reassure them that I won't sue them if my food were to be accidentally contaminated, that I understand the risk and that I'm happy to take the chance. It helps that all of my friends have avoided choosing the nutty options on the menu for their weddings so that the kitchen won't be full of them on the day.

It's a difficult situation for you to be in trying to come up with a way to make sure you're fed for a whole day. I think a big cool bag full of your 'safe' foods is probably the best way forward.

(My parents took the attitude with me when I was a child that, on balance, they wanted me to be able to experience eating out and going to events. As a result of this I have grown up eating out a lot which I love :) I have only had a life-threatening allergic reaction twice. Obviously this is two times too many, but balanced against 30+ years of enjoying a social life that so often seems to revolve around food isn't so bad.

I ignore the 'may contain traces of nuts' warnings on packaging and I can tell you that probably only 2 or 3 times a year do I ever react, and when I do the contamination is so small that the reaction is very mild and isn't anywhere near life-threatening.

With a toddler I think you are right to be extra cautious as she can't describe how she's feeling to you if she does react.

Generally though, it does make me sad that so many nut-allergic children are being brought up ultra-protected to the point that eating out or at other people's houses isn't considered to be an option.)

My friend has anaphylactic (sp)reactions with fish. We even served fish at our wedding and my friend was just fine, thanks to the sensible actions of the caterers.

I'd suggest you stress the importance of your daughter's dietary requirements, and suggest that you tell her you will speak to the caterer.

Delphine - I will have to get used to it/get over it. It's just that research suggests that if we can avoid any further exposure before the age of 5 she has a 17% chance of 'outgrowing' her allergy, where her immune system will effectively forget to react to nut protein if it doesn't come across it so I'm going all out to give her the best chance of that. By the time she is 5 if she's still allergic she will have an epipen and we will know it's a lifelong thing and have to work with it.

We had to do this for one of DC very often and there are loads of ways of making fridge free picnic style meals and no-one bats an eye-lid when its for a small child.

Tuna or Jam sandwiches - bread rolls, small tin of tuna, tiny jar of mayo or jam.Make at the hotel in the morning.
Practically any fruit, bananas esp good as properly filling.
Oatcakes, breadsticks, crackers.
Malt loaf, hot cross bun,cinnamon bagel type things.
Little pot of dry cereal to nibble on.

Eating like that for a day won't be a problem for a toddler.

If I was getting married and someone said they couldn't come for this reason for a toddler I'd kind of assume they didn't really want to come but it sounds like you're getting your head around it!

Quint - I'll make sure to ask her (not!) :)