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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to cancel attending a wedding where our dietery needs can't be met

134 replies

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 19/06/2015 11:07

My two year old DD has an anaphylactic reaction to nuts, so we have a nut free household and she and I avoid nuts. We were invited to a family wedding months ago which is now a couple of weeks away. We RSVP'd with dietery requirements months ago as requested. This week, the bride has heard from the caterers that they can't provide safe food for my daughter and I, so we have been asked to bring our own. I'm a bit stumped on how to do this as we are staying in a hotel a long way from home, won't have access to a kitchen, refridgeration etc, and will be going from the church to the meal to the reception making for a 12 hour outing in total with two meals to cover. We would need to bring lunch and dinner for me and my DD, in a format that doesn't need cooling, heating, preparing at the smart lunch table, and in my case follows the FODMAP IBS friendly diet so I'm not stuck on the loo all day the next day and unable to go home :s FODMAP diet means no lactose, gluten, onions, garlic, pulses, and avoiding certain fruits, in brief. I'm reluctant to cancel, we've bought new wedding outfits, booked a hotel, and it would be lovely to be there and see everyone, but I'm a bit stumped. I could take bananas and a bag of salad...? I'm not comfortable at big formal events at the best of times so the thought of standing out in this way is just cringingly awful to me, making me want to just hide under my duvet for a week! Should we just apologise and cancel? Seems so rude this close to the event. I'm gutted the caterers can't provide nut free food. I wasn't expecting a FODMAP friendly meal, but it's meat and veg and potato which would have been pretty fine for me.

OP posts:
sashh · 19/06/2015 12:36

Talk to the hotel, a lot have a fridge or minibar in the room. Ask if you can take a microwave in to the room - you can get one for £30 which, yes is a lot, but if you have bought clothes hotel accommodation etc isn't a lot.

Is there anything you can eat that you can make with just a kettle? I was thinking porridge pots but they have milk powder in so not them.

Take a load of fruit/veg sandwiches whatever and picnic for 2 days.

chocolateyay · 19/06/2015 12:38

I cant believe that there are no 3rd party suppliers who can provide the caterers with a 'closed' meal (like when you get kosher meals and they come with a tamperproof film over the top).

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 19/06/2015 12:51

Thanks for all the advice, good folks of mn :) I'm liking the 'nipping in and out of wedding' plan, as not only will it make the food situation easier it will give DD the opportunity to nap at the hotel before she hits the dancefloor with daddy later, and be less difficult than trying to keep her calm and happy and acceptably quiet for 12 straight hours! :)

OP posts:
swingonastar · 19/06/2015 12:52

If you want to take something hot is there anything you make at home that could go in a thermos flask? You can keep all manner of things warm in them, not just soup!

IKnowRight · 19/06/2015 12:57

I think if I were you I'd cherry pick the bits of the weekend that you and your dd could attend - if you'd feel uncomfortable eating jam butties (or whatever) at a posh dinner, could you duck out and eat a packup somewhere else? Is surviving on crackers and marmite etc feasible for one day if you can't refrigerate? Will there be somewhere at the venue you can disappear off to during mealtimes - maybe if a family member is staying at the venue you could use their room?

It sounds like a nightmare. TBH at first I thought you were being a wee bit precious but when I saw the bit about not being exposed before 5 means she has a better chance of outgrowing the allergy, I totally understood your pov. It must be a lot to think about. I would imagine that if you can work your way round this first weekend away, all future ones will be so much easier. Loads of good tips on here. Good luck and I hope you get to enjoy your weekend.

Momagain1 · 19/06/2015 13:00

It isnt so much that the commercial kitchens can't provide appropriate food, it is that they cannot give you an absolute iron clad guarantee against contamination. The nature of a catering or resteraunt kitchen makes such a guarantee impossible. It is very likely they can provide a safe meal, but they cannot guarantee it. Now that your DD is big enough to be out in the world, dealing with her allergy will be a constant habit, and you are going to have to become risk assessors. Sometimes, if you must be away from home, you can take a supply of safe foods and whole foods that will last until you get home. Other times, you have to read the menu, understand what foods are more or less risky, ask to see labels of products and ingredients, ask questions, and then order the best bet, and have the epi-pen in reach.

My 3 DN were allergic to peanuts, treenuts and soy, in various combinations between them. For my DB and SIL this meant a lot of cooking from scratch at home, stocking the freezer with things like biscuits and savory snacks and ready meals and homemade sauces. It meant staying in a holiday let instead of hotels (still risky, but better) in order to cook/have a frridge freezer for foods from home. It meant trusting that relatives understood the allergies and understood how not to cross contaminate. It meant sometimes depending on meals made up of fresh raw fruit and veg., plus cheese or yogurt and either brought from home or packaged products like crackers or bread they had learned were reliably safe.

For the packaged products, they depended on an online network of parents who contacted manufacturers to research and confirm allergen status of products. They are in the US, but I am sure there must be a UK equivalent. Probably there is an MN forum! Some crackers, biscuits, soups etc are reliably allergen free because the company makes nothing with those allergen. these are often expensive and 15 years ago were often only available through fancy grocers or health food stores, or maybe at large suburban stores, vs. the smaller rural store he had easy access to. Sometimes, because of the manufacturing sequence, a product without allergens is still a risk because produced after an allergen containing product. The production line is clean, but there is still risk of cross contamination somewhere in the building. It might be as minor as the products being stored in the same warehouse as nuts. There is always the chance a worker reused a scoop or bin, or even just handled a bag of nuts then a bag of flour.

But sometimes, due to a change in sequence, the product is is run on a completely clean line in a building that has also had reason to be completely cleaned, and word goes out on the internet of those stock numbers. Parents across the country hunt to see where that run of products was shipped, and buy as much as possible. Then, they swap. My brother regularly had things like 10 cases of pasta sauce in his garage, which he gradually swapped for cases of biscuits, soup, salad dressing, or whatever.

Littleorangecat · 19/06/2015 13:00

Is taking a large cool box in your car with suitable cold foods for your daughter an option?
I'm on Fodmap diet too, could the kitchen not make you plain grilled fish or chicken with potatoes and steamed carrots or something along those lines?

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 19/06/2015 13:03

Iknowright - yep, I think cherry picking could work beautifully. I can't quite work out why this didn't occur to me before, but it's a great idea. Thanks folks! :)

OP posts:
knickernicker · 19/06/2015 13:05

If you do want to go make the effort with the picnic food.
If you don't want to go, you have a good excuse.

florascotia · 19/06/2015 13:05

None of these need refrigerating:

  • Small tins of fish, or hard cheese (if you like, you can put that in the freezer for 48 hrs before you set off); feta cheese packed in brine. Keep in insulated bag (£1 from most supermarkets). (I'd also consider those foil-wrapped cheese spread triangles, and perhaps pepperami as suggested by previous poster - at least for the first 24 hours.)
  • cherry tomatoes; cucumber; carrots, little gem lettuce (wash /peel/chop in hotel room early morning, pop in plastic bag or bowl; if room too hot and no fridge/minibar, store food on windowsill)
  • fruit (ditto)
-Whatever bread/oatcakes/ricecakes are safe for your daughter
  • Some sort of cake/biscuit/chocolate that's safe for your daughter, and/or dried fruit to nibble
-cartons fruit juice -small bottles water
  • perhaps too adult - those little snack packets of olives

small sharp knife
small plastic bowl with lid x 2 (one for veg and (eg) cubed cheese or mashed fish, one for fruit)
paper/plastic plates and/or paper napkins
plastic knife/fork and cup
larger plastic bag for rubbish

Have lost count of the number of picnics like this enjoyed in cheap hotel rooms/on overnight train journeys.

trixymalixy · 19/06/2015 13:08

Not sure where you're getting your research figures from, but current thinking is that controlled exposure to the allergen is the way forward with allergies.There have been some very exciting results recently and I've read somewhere about some peanut allergy patches that are under development to give safe controlled doses.

trixymalixy · 19/06/2015 13:10

btw im not advocating exposing her to peanut protein at home, by controlled exposure I meant in hospital.

muminhants1 · 19/06/2015 13:10

Do you know about this website: www.nutmums.com - there may be some advice on there (and others reading might also find it informative).

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 19/06/2015 13:16

I have a very severe nut allergy. In situations like this I contact the caterer directly and reassure them that I won't sue them if my food were to be accidentally contaminated, that I understand the risk and that I'm happy to take the chance.

Sorry, doesn't work quite like that. They have stated that they are not nut free. The fact that someone with a nut allergy is "happy to take a chance" would absolutely NOT mean that they would not be considered negligent and liable to be sued if they did agree to prepare you food and you then suffered an allergic reaction A responsible company would simply not be swayed by someone saying that they are happy to take on the risk, especially when the risk is as potentially serous as someone dying.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 19/06/2015 13:17

Can't your food be ordered at a restaurant that can be nut free and then delivered? If I were the bride, that's what I'd be looking into!

Theycallmemellowjello · 19/06/2015 13:17

If you're staying in a hotel the night before they will have a fridge at reception or in the kitchen if not in the room. You could even do a supermarket delivery to the hotel. I don't see how heating a ready meal can be a contamination risk but if you're worried then take picnic stuff. I sympathise with this difficulty but think you're making it harder than it needs to be. And this is hardly going to be the last time this problem arises as your dd grows up.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 19/06/2015 13:22

Quite honestly, with a child that age, I would take the opportunity to dip in and out of the reception. She will get a run around, and you don't need to stress about people watching you eat a packed lunch at the dinner table.

JasperDamerel · 19/06/2015 13:22

Breadsticks/crackers/oatcakes, babybel, vegetable sticks, fruit. Tinned tuna - you can get little tins that don't need to be drained. Pouches of fruit purée.

You should be ok eating the meat and veg at the meal. If you are worried, go and wash your face and hands and brush your teeth immediately after eating (I have a severe nut allergy, and DC and DP do that if they might have eaten something nutty, and we just don't kiss for a few hours).

Mistigri · 19/06/2015 13:26

I have a severe nut and seed allergy and i have never been refused food at a catered event. Most places will give you a meal without a particular ingredient if asked, although I am sure that they would not certify the meal "allergen free" (but then I wouldn't ask them to).

I think you are massively overreacting tbh. I know that having a severely nut allergic child is worrying, but it doesn't mean that you have to strictly avoid nuts yourself. You seem to be going to greater lengths to avoid nuts than many actually nut allergic people on this thread (or are you also allergic? I'm still not clear about that). Nut allergy is one of the easier allergies to manage in practice - yes the reactions are more severe but nuts are not generally present in most non-vegetarian savoury courses unless you are eating Asian or Caribbean food.

For a 2 year old, the issue is easily solved with some bread, fruit and cheese, and someone at the hotel should be able to source some yoghurts surely?

May09Bump · 19/06/2015 13:26

Its very risky not to have an Epipen - my son is 6 and has severe allergies to dairy, eggs and nuts. We have known he is allergic since 6 months old. You cannot control the environment, no matter how hard you try especially when you start nursery / playdates etc - it is better to have 2 epipens at hand in case the reaction escalates.

Research on allergies is all over the place, in the USA they are challenging the immune system with small amounts of allergens under hospital supervision, this is now being used with pollen allergies over here. Having an Epipen is a back up and a lifesaver.

As to food, I would go to a supermarket in the morning with a cool bag, get some sandwich stuff and yogurts etc and don't worry about feeding them at the table. No one will bat an eyelid and if they do, you just tell them LO has allergies. No way would I trust a hotel / caterer with a meal if I didn't have an Epipen. You do adapt to LO having allergies - at 2 years old I was still scared of trying new venues etc.

WyrdByrd · 19/06/2015 13:30

If you decide to pop in and out, I think it would be polite to check that the B & G are ok with that and make sure you time it to avoid any disruption re speeches etc.

I'm sure you wouldn't disrupt any thing and they'll be fine but good idea to give them the heads up I think.

One of our friends had to go home and feed her EBF DD just as we were sitting down to eat, but she let us know beforehand and it was an elaborate buffet style meal so we just put a plate of food aside for her in the fridge and she had that when she came back for the evening. I didn't even notice her coming and going tbh!

trixymalixy · 19/06/2015 13:36

Agree with Misti, nut allergy is one of the most well understood and easiest to manage. My DS is anaphylactic to milk and dairy products, there is no kitchen that will be completely dairy free, so we wouldn't eat out ever if we made as much out of his allergies as you are doing.

Thakfully my DS grew out of his soya allergy as that was the hardest to manage.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 19/06/2015 13:37

If you are taking the train, then just BUY a cool bag, put some frozen ice blocks in it (which you can buy from a supermarket and freeze in advance) and then put food in it. You are massively over complicating things. Or even easier - get child care and just go without the children.

Hissy · 19/06/2015 13:44

I'd research staying in a local B&B, it will be cheaper than the hotel, even with a taxi.

you can cancel the hotel with little notice usually, and for the reasons that they are not providing you with any meals at all, and won't/can't accommodate any assistance, id say you would be able to cancel without penalty

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 19/06/2015 14:13

Trixy, Misti - I'm avoiding nuts as advised by DD's consultant, who actually advised that our whole household avoid nuts but DH and other DC don't as it happens. Trixy - research signposted by consultant. The Addenbrookes trials with tiny noses of peanut look really promising and might be a possibility for DD when she's older but she's too small at present and still has that 17% chance of outgrowing the allergy if not re-exposed. Momagain1 -and other posters who have shared experiences- interesting to know how other families manage, thank you. :) florascotia - useful food suggestions, thanks :) WyrdByrd - bride has confirmed NP popping in and out :) I think it's a better solution than us spoiling the look of their beautiful venue with a big plastic cooler and plastic picnic boxes! :):)

OP posts: