Partner doesn't want me to breastfeed

[Wombledon99]

I'm a woman in a same sex relationship where we are currently trying for a baby.

I was speaking to DP about breastfeeding saying I'd like to give it a try and breastfeed if I can (it will be me that gives birth). She surprised me by being adamantly against it and when I asked why she said "because I want to be able to feed MY baby" I explained about expressing and how of course she'll be able to feed the baby and I'll probably be desperate for her to help with night feeds, but apparently she doesn't feel comfortable with the baby being "so close" to me over her and she doesn't like the fact we will share a "special bond".

I believe breastfeeding would be much better for the health of the baby and it's something I really want to do, am I being selfish?

I think though the situation with adoptive mothers inducing lactation is an entirely different scenario as there is only one person nursing the baby. People are suggesting OP's partner induces lactation and the OP breastfeeds also. I really don't see how that will work in practice and imagine it would negatively impact supply rather than being a positive thing. Baby will be passed from one set of boobs to the other and will probably end up working twice as hard to get the milk baby needs during growth spurts etc. Under normal circumstances, baby feeds more to increase supply - in this case baby will have to try and ramp up supply in both women. It is not fair to the baby. Parents should do what is best for baby, not what is best for them.

I don't think OP's partner should be treated differently just because she's female. If a man did this, people would be outraged. It should be the same here. She is selfish, self-centred and I can imagine is gonna cause more stress when baby is actually here. I find the additional leave to want some alone time with the baby a bit bizarre. If my DH demanded I go back to work at 6mo even though I planned to stay off for 12mo so that he could get "alone time" I'd be telling him no. Also, perhaps OP wants to do BLW instead of purée then that means that at 6mo, she can't just stop breastfeeding because babies don't take in much at the start, it can take weeks / few months before they are eating a bit, depending on the baby.

i am all for same sex relationships .love who ever you like in my opinion . BUT sorry you are the biological mother and your body can feed the baby hers can,t .while that may be a shame her role is more like that of a fathers .yes to start with the baby will be closer to you .and don,t under estimate who protective you will feel .i did,nt let my hubby feed or change my son,s for months after there birth .If your partner or you think you will just be able to do a 50/50 care split straight after birth sorry you are both kidding yourself and you won,t believe the emotions you go through .i never breast fed but if that is what you want then your partner being very selfish .

Feel for you OP. I think men are just conditioned to step back a bit in the first few months (the fourth trimester). It's a good thing too, IMO. In the first few months with each child I just wanted to recover, snuggle and feed the baby with noone else really "in the way". I think my DH got that. Of course second time around his most important role was supporting our PFB.

I get that your baby will have two mums, but none of that changes the fact that you will be going through pregnancy, labour and your milk coming in and she's going to have to be sensitive too that.

And I always feel sorry for anyone who has a partner (male or female) demanding their part of the mat leave. Remember you are the one whose body is going through it all. If you don't feel recovered and ready to go back at 6 months, she'll need to think again. Mat leave isn't just about spending time with the baby but about recovering yourself. Some difficult births can leave you needing that year to feel right again...

sorry but if my hubby had suggested taking part of mat leave he would have been to told to get to yonder .you do the hard work you get the leave in my opinion . but then most men love rushing back to work after a week Well mine did anyway

I think your partner needs to accept that in the first year or two your roles as parents will be slightly different. And she needs to allow you to bond with the baby.
She doesn't sound like she will be a very supportive and understanding partner to be honest.

I wouldn't commit to expressing until you've tried it. I felt like a milked cow and because I was also EBF DD, it was taking even more time because I was still feeding DD. Basically I would have had a baby or pump on my breast most of the time! When DH was back at work, it was helpful for me to be the one up in the night feeding DD so he could sleep. I wouldn't have asked DH to do night feeds and then be tired at work.

DH has a lovely bond with DD, yes I EBF her until I went back to work at 9mo, but he did nappies, winding, comforting her, singing to her, bathing her, dressing her, playing with her, pushing her around the block when she wouldn't sleep. Everything other than BFing her, there's loads to bond with her over.

I can understand wanting some time off but the times needs to be mutually agreed and financially suitable. I think DH would have really enjoyed some SAHD time with DD had this been an option.

However your DP's attitude is worrying, parenting isn't a competition and often each partner brings different skills. I brought BFing, DH is the 'fun' one, he slings DD over his shoulder and takes her up to bed giggling. He's patient and strong (carried her miles on his shoulders on holiday), I take pleasure in baking with her. BFing is such a tiny part now of our life with DD, but it's a time you can't get back if you want to do it and I worry you will always resent your DP if you don't do what you're happy with.

Surely very very few women need a full year to recover from childbirth. Health and safety rules require employees to take 2 weeks' maternity leave as a minimum. That is what is deemed necessary to recover sufficiently to go back to work safely. And until relatively recently statutory maternity leave in this country lasted 6 weeks. It doesn't exist at all in the US. I fully support men sharing some of the very long UK statutory shared parental leave entitlement. And if they do so it is likely to reduce discrimination against women at work.

NB the OP's partner is mourning not being able to play the full mother's role, due to infertility, so why not cut her some slack.

This seems like this is going to be the start of many problems to come. Jealousy over a baby like that is very odd....

Her attitude is odd, controlling and indicative of future problems. Red flags all over.

Wow, this is very thought provoking. But she is being unreasonable.

Then the cynic in me thinks she might not mind quite so much in the middle of the night when you are the only one who can do it. And again 45 minutes later. And again 90 minutes later. And again 1 hour later...

I do feel for your wife and I think it is different that she is a woman because she has been socialised to expect the "mother" role. That doesn't mean that she is being reasonable, just that her feelings are more understandable.

I think some of the reactions on this thread are a bit OTT. Lots of women choose not to breastfeed for reasons that are beneficial to their feelings, not the baby. Should they not have had children because they put their feelings above the babies?

It's not odd to want to take a share (a lesser share in this case) of the entitlement to shared parental leave. That's what it's there for - sharing.
As for the breastfeeding, she probably doesn't see it as being the vitally important thing that many mumsnetters do. In non mumsnet circles, many women consider bottle feeding to be the norm. She may just be thinking of this as a simple way to share doing things for and with the baby. I think that OP should print out some medical info about the benefits to the baby of breastfeeding, and have a calm discussion. Also, before having children many people are very self-absorbed and have no sense of the reality of bringing up a child. She will catch on soon enough once the baby is there.

She comes across as very immature and selfish.

Assuming a birth without long-term physical or psychological consequences, I think I'd be completely out of order to tell my husband that his desire to take an active role and experience solo primary parenting, in the period the only time the state makes available for him to do it, had to take a back seat to my desire for a longer leave.

If I told him to fuck off when it came to sharing the year's parental leave, I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to discover that he considered me the primary parent by my own choice, and more of the responsibility would therefore fall on my shoulders. People can't have it both ways.

Fortunately, we see parenting as a true partnership and take equal shares of childcare, children's sick days, flexible working arrangements and equal roles in all forms of parenting and household management. But go for it, MrsCaptainReynolds, feel sorry for me all you like. I've really got a rough deal here...

Last time, I took 6 months and he took 4; we couldn't stretch to longer financially. (By the way, I continued to breastfeed until 17 months and we did BLW. It was fine.). This time we're in better financial shape but I still would never demand the full 12 months to myself - we've talked at length about it and I'll take 8 months, he'll take 4, and we're both happy with that. But if he weren't happy taking a smaller amount, it would be up to both of us to find a workable solution using the flexibility that's now available.

Some of the responses on this thread are an eye-opener. Surely OP wouldn't be deciding solo on what kind of weaning to try, or other post-4th trimester childrearing decisions?

She IBU to demand you not BF.

Being totally honest though, I can understand that she may feel some trepidation in the bond thing - the baby is borne of your egg, your womb, your experience of pregnancy, and will be nursed by you. Even expressing, it is your milk. She probably feels like she will have no biological/maternal link with the baby.

At least in a father's experience the baby ishalf biologically his. And it is impossible for a man to BF so that doesnt even factor.

You being PG and being the BFer probably is just highlighting the fact that she cant and wont ever be able to do it.

Postereh there is a world of difference between a woman deciding not to breastfeed the child that SHE has given birth to, and a woman being TOLD by someone else that she is not allowed to breastfeed the child that SHE has given birth to

So the partner cannot have her own child? So this time will be incredibly emotionally complex for her, mourning the child she can never bear herself whilst seeing another woman flourishing in the role she would do anything to be in. I don't think this is a direct comparison to a father role and situation.

Sounds like your partner is going through a lot right now, and her knee jerk reaction pay be impossible to argue rationally as it's not coming from a rational position. I'd suggest having some very sensitive conversations aboht how she's feeling and how you both see the parental roles developing. Rather than just calling her selfish and trying to rip the idea of bf away from her, think creatively about what other ways she can bond and grow into her role? More of a give & take than a 'no and you have no say anyway' which will confirm her more marginal role, and sense of exclusion.

As for 'suck it up' or 'she's a narc' etc, or even suggesting the op can just take the child as the partner has no genetic link with the child. Wow. I get why, I do, but I don't think it is the way to build a partnership, more likely to tear it down instead.

If you are not even the pregnant one and the birth of your child makes you mourn because of how sorry you feel for yourself, seriously get over your own shit, stop being so pathetic and support the woman having the baby, because she is doing the difficult bit and you are required to provide back-up.

I would say nothing less to any other father.

JassyRadlett can you read? I said I felt sorry for those with partners who demand their share, which isn't what you've described at all, but is what the OP has described.

The OP hasn't even been through pregnancy or childbirth yet and her partner has insisted on what their share of leave will be. Very different to two adults coming to a sensible agreement based on their circumstances. The most sensible agreement of all being to wait and see how pregnancy, childbirth and recovery go and take it from there.

So its all about her is it? I am sorry OP, but if I were you I would be reconsidering having a child with this woman - she seems to be controlling, driven by jealousy and dismissive of what is best for you and the baby

Yes, I'd question whether this attitude is too controlling really. ir is also selfish and I think she would try to undermine you if you decided to feed. (As some controlling men do!)

I'm pretty good at reading, MrsCaptainReynolds, but thanks for checking so nicely.

My husband said he felt very strongly he wanted to share the leave. He said that before I'd given birth with our first child, obviously. How is that different from the OP's partner?

Let's check your reading comprehension now - you've done mine, after all, and so terribly politely. The OP said:

I originally wanted to take the full year but she wanted some time just her and the baby which I respect so I've backed down on that one.

Yep. No different from me and my husband. And entirely reasonable - why should the birth parent hold the power of deciding how the leave is taken, when the system is designed to enable sharing?

JassyRadlett I think you're missing the contextual details here. The circumstances sound very different. Perhaps you are blinded by your own circumstances. Which, interestingly enough are very similar to mine. Yet, the OPs sound very different to me...

(And my tone was responding in kind, so get over yourself, eh?)

Oh, ouch. How dismissive. You don't know my circumstances - and no, I don't think I missed any contextual details the OP posted, but then I'm capable of separating out two potentially distinct issues.

I agree that there's an awful lot of projecting on this thread - but I'm not sure it's from those of us suggesting that the parent who hasn't given birth should get a say in how the leave is taken.

Your statement was a blanket one - and in my view it was a ridiculous one, even just on the basis of what OP had said, let alone the broader context you used. Entirely reasonable to call you on that. Given similar circumstances to those the OP set out, you said you felt sorry for people like me. I thanked you for your pity and pointed out I didn't need it - honestly, I'd save your pity for those with partners who aren't interested in equal parents.