Partner doesn't want me to breastfeed

[Wombledon99]

I'm a woman in a same sex relationship where we are currently trying for a baby.

I was speaking to DP about breastfeeding saying I'd like to give it a try and breastfeed if I can (it will be me that gives birth). She surprised me by being adamantly against it and when I asked why she said "because I want to be able to feed MY baby" I explained about expressing and how of course she'll be able to feed the baby and I'll probably be desperate for her to help with night feeds, but apparently she doesn't feel comfortable with the baby being "so close" to me over her and she doesn't like the fact we will share a "special bond".

I believe breastfeeding would be much better for the health of the baby and it's something I really want to do, am I being selfish?

[Strictlyison]

Personally I would talk about it more. I think that posters who believe that you should break up the relationship based on that are very quick to judge. Talk about it with her, get to the bottom of it. Many husbands are not too keen on their wife breastfeeding and change their mind.

You should be able to express (maybe not the first few weeks) and she can give one or two bottles a day/night, be responsible for other things to do with the baby as others have suggested. I personally think that posters here who say that 'she is unlikely to be a good parent' are a bit too quick to judge.

And for the sake of it, formula milk is fine. You shouldn't beat yourself up if you don't manage to BF and end up giving your baby formula.

[iHAVEtogetoutofhere]

My husband was like this when I had our first child.
He went on and on about 'feeling left out' and 'not being able to bond as much as you'.
In fact, my ds had a tongue tie and reflux so b/f was a nightmare anyway.
H was pleased when we were unable to continue.
He was the same with our 2nd child.

He is still needy and selfish and will put his needs before those of the children. With hindsight, it was a red flag.

[iHAVEtogetoutofhere]

Just to say, this was only MY experience, but I would be wary if your partner puts her feelings of being 'left out' ahead of your wish to b/f.

[JassyRadlett]

Just read your update on maternity leave - so she's also dictating how long you can breastfeed for and your length of maternity leave? This is not good OP. Red flags all over the place here I'm afraid.

I'm sorry, I think this is total nonsense. Once the birth parent has recovered and if feeding can be sorted out, the year of parental leave must be about what's the most beneficial for the whole family. It's not 'cutting short' the birth parent's mat leave, it's looking at how the leave entitlement can be worked to the benefit of the whole family.

If OP is in the UK, whichever partner is on leave will get SMP until 39 weeks - that has been the case since shared leave was first introduced in 2011. Why would she need to take it unpaid?

Sharing the parental leave with my husband was massively beneficial to all three of us, and we'll be repeating it with this pregnancy.

The breastfeeding issue is entirely separate and I agree with other posters that it's not acceptable for her to try to prevent OP breastfeeding because of her personal feelings.

[Viviennemary]

You should think again before having a baby with this person. She is showing quite a selfish attitude and putting her own wishes and desires before the needs of a baby. I agree it's a poor start and doesn't bode well for the future. If this was a man there would be a lot more harsh replies.

[HoneyDragon]

When you say your dp can't have a child is this due to infertility? It may be a bittersweet time for her.

[morelikeguidelines]

She is being very selfish and not thinking about the needs of the child.

Expressing is a great idea, and if she can induce lactation then brilliant, best of all worlds. I wish my h could have induced lactation! Or mixed feeding is completely fine IMO, which we did from a few weeks old up to 8 months with ds, although there are those who think it confuses baby and inhibits supply.

It's really hard to give useful advice having been a breastfeeding Mum tbh (admire all the pps who have!) as I would love to be in your partner's shoes and have a partner who could breastfeed while I couldn't! Maybe encourage her to look on the bright side - all that lovely sleep she can be getting while you bf in the night!

[Dontstepinthecowpat]

This does not bode well. In order to BF you need to be confident in your decision and have support from those around you. It's not the romantic, easy, natural way shown in posters and pamphlets. It's exhaustingly tiring and sometimes it's all you do.

DP may find there are days/nights when all the baby will want to do is feed. How will she cope?

You will be vulnerable after giving birth, emotional, tired, with the possibility of pnd. Not being able to feed your baby the way you want to will not help at all.

You have to have a serious chat.

[Bambambini]

You don't know if you are actually pregnant yet Op. It does sound bad but it's early days and we are all a bit clueless and learn and grow up as we go. Hopefully this will be the same for your partner but you should take note what folk are saying. It might sort itself out and all fall into place with the reality of a baby and everything that goes with it ocurrs - or could be the sign of a deeper problem.

[Bohemond]

If this has only just come up it seems like neither of you have thought this through properly or talked about it enough to be ready to have a child. I think people are being unduly harsh on your partner - she has assumed one thing and you have assumed another.

[Solarpowered2]

Tbh I'd love someone else to be able to bf, it's exhausting and expressing takes me ages. I agree though she sounds selfish although I agree I think it's all jealously about youu getting the 'prize' of carrying and delivering the baby and her being insecure. I can understand that a bit tbh, although again having had two births, I don't see it the same way now.

[WeAreEternal]

I have a friend who has two children with her wife, with both children they made the decision not to breastfeed but to bottle feed expressed breast milk (no formula just breast milk).

I don't know if the decision was made to share the feeds or to make the bonding equal but both my friend and her wife have carried a child each and they did the same thing with both children.

It seemed to work well for them.

[Solarpowered2]

Also, get her in front of the midwife with her anti bf views at your booking in appt if successful - they will definitely be on the pro bf side for good reasons. Also, DH and I didnt discuss all these things pre dc, it was still worth a few fights to have our lovely dc, don't getting too worried about it, they're hugely amazing whether you stay together or not, bf or ff etc. don't lose sight of the big picture.

[Solarpowered2]

I wouldn't commit to expressing totally before I'd tried it - some people find it very time consuming (like me). It's the worst of both worlds to not have the ease of latching the baby on or being able to make a bottle without reducing milk supply. It's an option but not one I'd go for except as occasional thing.

[Catsize]

Hello OP. I gave birth to our two children. My (female) partner is their main carer and sahp. She would not have dictated about breastfeeding, and ultimately was quite glad in the middle of the night that only I could solve things! I went back to work when our first was 3.5m and when our second was 7m. From that time, there was a mix of expressing, breastfeeding and formula.
We had a bit of a system where I would see to the top end and she would see to the bottom end, and it was a good division of labour. I fed our first to 10m (he chose to stop) and our second is still going at 16m (and showing no signs of giving up).
Not sure why you have to cut your time short - if your OH wants 4mths unpaid from work, why not do this after your full leave? Also a bit about this wanting to be alone with the baby business.
Totally hated that two week wait thing you're doing now.

[MissDuke]

What a difficult situation. I don't have a lot of sympathy with fathers who take this stance so I am unsure why I feel sympathetic towards your partner. Perhaps becuase she is a woman with a longing for a child who is unable to physically carry a child? She is bound to instinctively want to nourish her baby herself, like many women do. Ahh tough one! I second the suggestion of a previous poster that she could perhaps take hormonal medication to induce lactation. You may recall the case of the 'pregnant man' and his wife Nancy did this so that she could breastfeed their three children (she was also unable to carry a child herself). Globally, many infants are fed by more than one woman with no apparent detriment from doing so. The only issue I can see is that if you both breastfeed, it will be difficult to maintain a good milk supply and so each would need to express when the other is feeding really. Not straightforward, but it is bound to be possible and would be a better alternative to simply formula feeding when you have a desire to give the baby breast milk.

[Catsize]

And I agree with what dontstep said - not sure I could have done it with an unsupportive partner.

[DinosaursRoar]

If she can't proritise the baby's needs, she'll be a crap parent. It's not about what's best for her vs what's best for you, it's about what's best for the child.

I worry someone like this, who sees things in terms of her comptiting with you, will be a terrible person to support you going through the later stages of pregnancy, childbirth, and the early days of caring for a baby while recovering from childbirth. If you are not careful, at the stages you need someone to support you, your DP will want you to be supporting her (I've met woman who talk about having to calm down their DH's who found childbirth 'stressful' - they weren't the ones in pain FFS!) and instead of just getting on with caring for your baby, you'll be also caring for your DP.

Don't have a baby with someone who can't put the baby first. Don't have a baby with someone who can't support you. Don't have a baby with someone who sees a child as something that will "give" to them (be it love, support, a parenting role etc), not something they should "give" too. (I am nt sure if that makes sense!)

[ShaynePunim]

I sympathize with her and her reasons, but I think this is something she has to work on (her insecurity), rather than making your baby 'pay' for it.

The baby's needs and what is best for him or her has to come first.

She is being unreasonable but I think you have to treat this with kindness and understanding and help her feel more secure.

[RunnerHasbeen]

I think the reactions here are completely OTT. This is the first conversation they have had and just her gut feeling at a time when she is probably feeling vulnerable and less womanly (being infertile is hard). I think she will be able to have more sensible and calm conversations once she had thought things through.

I couldn't BF and it was hard. One of my friends offered and I was shocked to feel so strongly against it. I couldn't overcome the feeling of inadequacy instantly, even for my baby's sake and said no (it was a one off, so not the same at all, I know).

I just think it is dangerous to dismiss the feelings that stem from infertility and being unable to breastfed as selfish. If anything I think listening and supporting your wife will resolve the situation better than digging in your heels over a hypothetical thing in 9 months time.

[Momagain1]

The whole 'bonding' concept is so overblown.
Human babies bond with those who care for them regularly. It isnt tied to the method of feeding, a bottle in the arms of a loving parent is far more like breastfeeding than the mechanical feeding done to the monkeys in cages. Fathers, as well as mothers who bottle fed, have bonded with their children just fine for the last century since bottles became an available option vs. instead of wetnurses or malnourishment or even starvation.

It isnt tied to being exclusively exposed to the parents in the first few hours. We are humans, not birds, and don't need 'imprinting' in that immediate way. Neglect is associated with NOT bonding, but that is entirely the other end of the spectrum from the great majority of parents.

She basically sounds jealous, actually. she needs to get over it, and research what the hell bonding actually is, consider the options available to you both.

[Smooshface]

You both may feel differently once the baby is born. Talk about the lactation for her, as that would be wonderful, sharing night feeds! Expressing is a bloody faff IME and i found it hard to produce consistently enough for a full feed, sometimes only a bit would happen and i'd have to BF anyway after sitting there for ages expressing.

Mixed feeding is an option, and then she wouldn't feel left out. It can decrease supply, but then at least best of both worlds for a bit!

You do need to sort this out though, she really needs to be on board with breastfeeding in whatever guise, as a blanket no on it from the get go isn't helpful to anyone.

I can understand she may feel a bit left out, but bonding will happen. Both mine were breastfed until they didn't want it any more (around 17 months for both), and they love us both pretty much equally (if anything they prefer him, rarity factor! i'm just always there, boring old mummy!)

[NormaStits]

She's in the same position as a father. It must be hard, I'm in a same sex relationship but my partner had children herself so this issue hasn't arose.

You could investigate induced lactation if you thought it would be a solution but really, a discussion about what is best for your baby is important too, what if she feels like this about other issues in the future, where she will put her needs above the child's?

[gabsdot45]

Get them to talk to someone from La Leche League about inducting lactation. I know from forums that Adoptive mothers have been known to breastfeed.