Partner doesn't want me to breastfeed

[Wombledon99]

I'm a woman in a same sex relationship where we are currently trying for a baby.

I was speaking to DP about breastfeeding saying I'd like to give it a try and breastfeed if I can (it will be me that gives birth). She surprised me by being adamantly against it and when I asked why she said "because I want to be able to feed MY baby" I explained about expressing and how of course she'll be able to feed the baby and I'll probably be desperate for her to help with night feeds, but apparently she doesn't feel comfortable with the baby being "so close" to me over her and she doesn't like the fact we will share a "special bond".

I believe breastfeeding would be much better for the health of the baby and it's something I really want to do, am I being selfish?

[QuintShhhhhh]

Well, strictly speaking OP wont be having a baby with this woman, as there is no genetic link, so unless they are married OP is free to go it alone if her partner does not buck up her ideas.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

Quint So, again, she is capping any potential breastfeeding to 6 months anyway?

Not necessarily. I was back at work full time with both of mine when they were eight months old. I expressed for both and carried on BFing at home. Supply is well enough established by then to not have to end BFing.

[coconutpie]

Just read your update on maternity leave - so she's also dictating how long you can breastfeed for and your length of maternity leave? This is not good OP. Red flags all over the place here I'm afraid.

[TedAndLola]

I understand the partner's fears. When we have children my husband will be a stay-at-home-dad and I already worry that the kids will love him more than me and that he will be more of a parent to them. Knowing that the SAHD setup would be best for our family doesn't remove those feelings.

I would concentrate on the bigger picture rather than the breastfeeding issue. I would include her as much as possible in the pregnancy so she feels the baby is as much hers as yours.

[EmmaLL25]

Her attitude is really worrying. Why also does she need alone time with baby (to the extent you have to go back to work sooner). The things you are saying make it sound as though having a baby is about her and not about the wellbeing of the child.

You'll know this already but new babies are really hard work and they will push to the limits the strongest of relationships. When you are stressed and tired you both need to be putting baby first. You get out the other side of course but you don't want to be in a potential situation where you are being asked to put her needs before baby's.

You are going to have a different relationship with baby because you will carry it and give birth. However she could create bond through lots of skin to skin contact, bathing baby, changing, cuddles etc.

In the first few weeks too expressing could be hard work and having baby feed will be much better for establishing the supply. Often people can't express much but a baby would get lots. I just say so you don't get into a situation about introducing bottles too soon because it may effect your supply or not be practical.

If there are complications or you just need a few days in hospital to recover your partner would be able to stay overnight. Is she going to be ok with this? In reality it's really helpful to have at least one of you well rested but I wonder if she might see it that way.
Breastfeeding is amazing (when you get going with it) and I have loved doing it. I have carried out since returning to work when DS was 9 months, so even work doesn't mean stopping if you don't want.
Breastfeeding provides so much benefit to the baby physically and emotionally.
I hope you and your partner can resolve your issues. Did she want carry a child and found she couldn't? Has she addressed this fully?
Good luck to you.

[ColdCottage]

YANBU.

Why not both breastfeed. See below
www.medelabreastfeedingus.com/tips-and-solutions/30/breastfeeding-an-adopted-baby

[Quartermass]

I think that people are being a bit too harsh on your partner. It's hard on her not being able to have her own (biological) child. And I don't see anything wrong with her wanting to have some of the maternity leave. She has underestimated the importance of breastfeeding and may well change her view if she reads up on it. And like many soon to be parents she has not yet taken on board some of the realities of having a child, needing to put it first, etc. This will likely change after baby is born.

[Roseformeplease]

I have children with my Dh and breastfed them both. They are now teens. I am absolutely certain they could not choose between us, were they forced to do so. There may be occasions where they want one, or the other - but the love they have for their Dad is not lessened because he did not breastfeed.

Your partner sounds like she needs some kind of help to come to terms with her own (I am assuming) infertility. She is using her feelings about her own body to dictate how you can use yours and your relationship with your child.

[Branleuse]

Can you even imagine a guy telling his pregnant partner saying that he didnt want her to have a special bond with the baby. ffs

[Branleuse]

she sounds like a narcissist

[EmmaLL25]

• partner would not be able to stay overnight

[petalsandstars]

Surely it wouldn't be unpaid now the leave can be split. But I agree - the gender is a red herring, sorry OP, if she were a man I would be very wary of this - is she controlling in other ways? My DH didn't like me to bf in public - he got told to keep his mouth shut. Changed his opinion with the next one though.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

What happens when the baby is here and the baby at times wants you more than her and what will be her reaction if baby cries when she is around but settles with you?

She sounds very immature and really not ready for parenthood.

[BoyScout]

I actually think the maternity leave thing is quite nice, that she wants time with the baby.

OP, I would say to her that he is an equal parent in every way but there is naturally going to be one or two things where you can't be equal and someone will have to give in. Breastfeeding is so, so important that it will have to be her. Other issues will be negotiated.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Brace yourself OP, because your "D" P is unlikely to be
A) a supportive loving partner to you once you give birth
B) a good parent. This example reveals that your partner will out her own desires above ehat is best for the child

[PtolemysNeedle]

She really doesn't sound ready to be a parent, she is being incredibly self centred.

I think the shared maternity leave is fair enough, but I'd worry what her motivation is. It could be that her intentions aren't as good as they could be, especially if her attitude over the way her baby is fed is so selfish.

[QuintShhhhhh]

It is nice that she wants maternity leave too, but that is no reason why she should dictate the length of OPs maternity leave! Why cant it be 8 + 4, or 10 + 4 - baby will soon enough go into childcare.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Your partner, does not matter if she is a woman, is incredibly selfish. If this was a man it would be LTB, and he's a cock, double standards. The lactating issue does not address her behaviour towards op and her not wanting their baby to have the best start in life because of her selfish attitude.

[HermioneWeasley]

OP, I fear your partner may see you as an incubator for her baby

Nobody gets to say how a woman feeds her baby, and the cutting short your mat leave worries me as well.

If this round doesn't work, I would seriously take a pause and consider if she is someone you want to parent with.

My wife is bio mum and primary carer. The rug rats are always climbing on me so we don't seem to have any issues bonding. In fact DW often looks at me dripping in children and says " it's a shame you've never bonded with them"

[coconutpie]

I'd also echo what others are saying and what happens if the baby just wants YOU, her mum, and can only be settled by you when baby is upset? There have been tons of times where my baby can only be settled by me and I have to take baby from DH so I can do the settling. And yes, it's heartbreaking for DH if he can't settle our baby sometimes but it is what it is. As he says "I don't have boobs" and in the first months, sometimes the boob is the only way baby will be settled. I can see your partner refusing to hand baby over if your baby is unsettled and only wants you tbh.

[wanttosqueezeyou]

Huge red flag. If this was a man someone would have said LTB by now.

What kind of person would deny their baby and partner the benefits of bfeeding because of some perceived popularity contest?

[PotteringAlong]

I can't add anything else - my children were / are EBF and my DH never fed them until they were on solids and, even then, we did BLW so there was no feeding involved. Did he carry them, give birth to them, feed them? No. Does he have that same connection with them I do? No. Does he have a different, equally as valid and equally as strong connection? Hell yes.

[Becauseicannes]

Unfortunately, She has to realise it's not about her.

[ggggllll]

She isn't an equal parent in this regard. Sorry, I know it might not be something you want to say, but if she wants to interfere in the bond between mother and baby on what seems like narcissistic grounds, then it has to be said that the bond between mother and baby is nothing to do with her whatsoever. Your personal space and your bond with your child is not anyone else's to interfere with. You give birth to the baby, you breastfeed the baby, you are the fucking ranking officer when it comes to whether or not you are allowed to have a unique and special bond with the baby.

The thing is, she will probably grow up a bit. I have known decent dads to attempt to "fix" breastfeeding problems or take charge, until they realize they need to back the hell off from the issue which isn't theirs to fix. She is learning just as we all do, and no doubt half the shit we think before a baby is born seems obviously stupid to us once parenthood has set in.