Partner doesn't want me to breastfeed

[Wombledon99]

I'm a woman in a same sex relationship where we are currently trying for a baby.

I was speaking to DP about breastfeeding saying I'd like to give it a try and breastfeed if I can (it will be me that gives birth). She surprised me by being adamantly against it and when I asked why she said "because I want to be able to feed MY baby" I explained about expressing and how of course she'll be able to feed the baby and I'll probably be desperate for her to help with night feeds, but apparently she doesn't feel comfortable with the baby being "so close" to me over her and she doesn't like the fact we will share a "special bond".

I believe breastfeeding would be much better for the health of the baby and it's something I really want to do, am I being selfish?

[JassyRadlett]

in being* equal parents.

Judging by MN, there are plenty out there...

[QuintShhhhhh]

I originally wanted to take the full year but she wanted some time just her and the baby which I respect so I've backed down on that one.

Yep. No different from me and my husband. And entirely reasonable - why should the birth parent hold the power of deciding how the leave is taken, when the system is designed to enable sharing?

But OP is asked that she only takes 6 months maternity leave. Her dp will take 4 months unpaid leave. Can she not do this regardless of how long maternity leave birthmother takes? Why does she have to dictate that op takes a shorter leave just so that they can get a more equal amount of sole care?

[Yarp]

I would re-think having a baby with someone whose emotional needs were expressed in such a way.

She can feel how she feels and talk through it with you. But to set her own needs above a child's, or yours, is worrying. IMO. (by saying she doesn't want you to breastfeed). Jealousy etc is perhaps natural, but essentially irrational. I'd hope she could acknowledge that before you go ahead

[kathryng90]

Am non birth mum to my 2 youngest children. Gf gave birth and bf both. Extended bf with first to age 2. I do know where she is coming from as I have also given birth and bf 2 children so know the bond that brings and it was something I wondered about before birth. Whether I would bond with baby that's not biologically mine and that she would have better bond because of it. But I know bf is generally best for baby so went with that feeling. Bf was best for our children as they have allergies. I had skin to skin contact immediately with both babies (gf had stitches ouch) and that was the basis of our bond and it has grown since they are both very much my children. Bf is such a small/short period and there's nothing like being handed a warm milky baby to cuddle after they had been fed! I hope it works for you both.

[Yarp]

OP

Do you think she is fully reconciled to being unable to carry a child herself? Maybe she needs to talk to someone about how this pregnancy has made her feel (not you)

[Yarp]

... sorry, MIGHT make her feel

[hiddenhome]

She sounds over possessive. A very immature and disturbing standpoint. I hope you never split up, she'll make your life hell dragging you through the family courts. I recognise the signs.

Are you sure you really want this?

[JassyRadlett]

But OP is asked that she only takes 6 months maternity leave. Her dp will take 4 months unpaid leave. Can she not do this regardless of how long maternity leave birthmother takes? Why does she have to dictate that op takes a shorter leave just so that they can get a more equal amount of sole care?

I assumed it was because of restrictions on parental leave - OP can clarify perhaps?

I still think it's fair enough for each parent to want to experience equal solo parenting reasonably early on. For me, maternity/parental leave (once the birth mother has recovered physically from the birth) is primarily about the child and what's in the best interests of the child and the family in the long run.

I'm with Yarp here - there is a woman who is infertile/unable to carry a child, potentially not reconciled to that situation, and dealing with a lot of the practical issues thrown up by the realities of parenting now that it's 'real'. The breastfeeding thing is way off base, and an awful reaction, and OP is right to stand her ground. However the partner may not be coming at this from a rational perspective if she's struggling with the idea of not being pregnant. As a pp mentioned, women are socialised to the idea of pregnancy and motherhood being part and parcel of the same experience. It must be weird to find oneself becoming a mother and watching one's partner experience pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

Wanting to share parental leave being lumped into the same category of 'how dare she' feels like a stretch.

[Libitina]

Your partner doesn't seem to be very considerate of your feelings or what will be best for YOUR baby does she....

[hiddenhome]

Parents need to be able to put their children's needs before their own and this woman isn't doing this even before the poor child's conceived

Don't do it OP. I sense trouble.

[maddening]

the thing about being a grownup and a parent is your choices are no longer about you alone they are also about your dc - your partner really needs to separate her feelings and allow you and her dc to have the best start and that is breastfeeding where possible - it is not about her.

[scarletforya]

Don't have a baby with this person. She sounds very controlling.

[Yarp]

OP

Do you think you can talk to her about this?

[Yarp]

hiddenhome/maddening

Totally agree

Wonder if the OPs partner is amenable to understanding this...

[maddening]

ps the partner is entitled I think to the 3 mth remaining smp as any parent regardless of gender if they share the maternity leave

[maddening]

www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/overview

[Tfoot75]

I'm not sure all the people saying she is being controlling and immature here are really appreciating the situation as it does sound like a difficult one. It might be helpful for you both to discuss with other couples in a similar situation to appreciate the level of compromise and what feelings you might be dealing with in this situation.

Saying that the dp wanting her share of parental leave is depriving the op of her maternity leave is ridiculous imo, she is perfectly entitled to share this leave as an equal parent if that suits the family.

Bf has important health benefits but is by no means the be all and end all of a good start in life. Once you get a BFP and she starts to read up on it and discuss properly she will most likely change her mind. I remember my dh saying something similar years ago about him not being able to feed a baby if I was bf - but he didn't know anything about bf at the time and by the time we had a baby he had completely changed his mind.

[RiderOfDragons]

Being a good parent is about being responsible and doing what's best for your child, if your DP can't understand that then she isn't ready to be a parent. It's shit and must make her feel quite out of it all to know you'll be carrying the baby and bonding with it more initially but that doesn't mean she should dictate this. I wonder if this is a controlling thing or just a knee jerk reaction with her just worried about bonding to the baby and gripping on to whatever she can.

If you can breastfeed and want to then she needs to respect it and see it as best for the child. If you get a BFP then I think you two need to talk a lot and try to find ways to help her get time bonding and experiencing things with the baby and during your pregnancy.

[hiddenhome]

This isn't about lactation. There's far bigger issues here.

[PipsRainbow]

Your right in wanting to give your baby the best start possible. Your partner could stimulate lactation in herself so you could both breast feed it takes a while and quite a bit of hard work but is do able. She could also use a suplimentory nursing system (sns) to feed the baby expressed milk.

[sashh]

I was going to suggest induced lactation but ScareHair got there first.

I am not an expert on babies but I know a couple of babies in my family who used to like to fall asleep with a nipple in their mouth whilst not actually feeding so I don't see why that has to be just one parent in a same sex relationship.