Partner doesn't want me to breastfeed

[Wombledon99]

I'm a woman in a same sex relationship where we are currently trying for a baby.

I was speaking to DP about breastfeeding saying I'd like to give it a try and breastfeed if I can (it will be me that gives birth). She surprised me by being adamantly against it and when I asked why she said "because I want to be able to feed MY baby" I explained about expressing and how of course she'll be able to feed the baby and I'll probably be desperate for her to help with night feeds, but apparently she doesn't feel comfortable with the baby being "so close" to me over her and she doesn't like the fact we will share a "special bond".

I believe breastfeeding would be much better for the health of the baby and it's something I really want to do, am I being selfish?

I have ebf both my dc. In order to get a bond, DH did all nappies, winding and settling when he was around. Is this something she could consider? YY to also investigating hormones etc.

Overtired said it more diplomatically than me.

Again - she should be able to lactate to feed. However - who is taking maternity leave as primary carer - as if it's you then you're the one doing most of the feeding. Very selfish of her to not want you to feed. If this had been said to me I would be fuming! Plus there's so much To breastmilk, antibodies etc which give baby so many benefits.

Oops x post sorry - I see now she can't get pregnant.

I think if she were pregnant id want her to breastfeed if she wanted to and was able.

I agree about the selfish part, it's made me worry she's going to see raising a child as a competition and I don't want that .

If a woman spontaneously starts to lactate through hormones is the milk quality the same?

Even if she can't lactate, she could potentially use a supplemental nursing system to share the experience of breastfeeding using your expressed milk.

I think she'll just have to get used to it OP.

Very lucky you're talking about a woman here. If your partner was male, this thread would no doubt be full of insults like 'man child' and 'jealous bastard' etc.

She is being a bit immature about this though.

You are not being selfish - but she is, massively so. Massively massively so.

This is something you need to thrash out before you go a step further with ttc, because if she is already showing insecurity and jealousy around the fact that you will have the birth mother role, then you really should hold fire for now.

I think her feelings sound completely understandable, but if that's how she feels, this is a recipe for disaster. Because for your baby to have the best start, a 'special bond' is completely necessary, and ideally that would include breastfeeding and a strong one-on-one relationship: a primary carer role. And yes you can express, but ideally not from day one and your first focus should be on establishing bf with the baby: you holding and feeding baby pretty much 24/7 on demand. If she's going to not be able to handle this, you CANNOT go ahead: you cannot have an insecure, unsupportive partner wrecking the newborn phase: it will be awful for all three of you.

This is of course what dads have to handle and I think it can be very hard: but that's parenting! Putting the baby's needs first. FWIW I bf forever and was surgically attached to mine for the first few months: now, DH and I have exactly the same strength of 'bond' and it's never been an issue. But it's hard and can create terrible feelings of insecurity at first, being the non-birthing, non-feeding parent.

I think it's a great idea to look into whether she could lactate, but I think the issues sound a bit more deep-rooted than just bf, and I think you need to spend a bit of time tackling them. Bottom line: your baby cannot be denied an optimum level of security, bonding and feeding simply to pander to your partner's insecurity. If she can't get that, then no, she will not currently be able to be a good parent.

it's made me worry she's going to see raising a child as a competition and I don't want that

She does see it as a competition, doesnt she?

Every man on the planet who has ever fathered a child, has to cope with finding other ways to bond with the baby than breastfeeding, and I would assume the same goes for other same sex couples where one or both of them cant breastfeed.

I am worried that she will deny you and the baby that bond, whilst denying the baby the breastmilk, just because she cant take equal part in that particular task.

I'll be having six months and then she will also take four months (unpaid leave) from work.

I originally wanted to take the full year but she wanted some time just her and the baby which I respect so I've backed down on that one.

Womble if you have reservations then hold off for a bit while you work them through.

it's made me worry she's going to see raising a child as a competition and I don't want that

this exactly.

that would be an utter disaster for your child and your relationship.

I would be very careful about going ahead - I think the fact that she has vocalised wanting to deny your baby the best start because it is more important that HER needs are met is awful.

Whether a partner is male or female, IMO the decision to breastfeed, and for how long, is that of the birth mother only.
Fathers aren't any less a parent or less bonded when their child breastfeed a, if anything, I would say the family bond will be stronger if the non-birth parent is supportive.
If your partner "wins" and you don't breastfeed, are you always going to feel resentful towards her?

So, again, she is capping any potential breastfeeding to 6 months anyway?

Can't she feed too?

I'm currently on the 2ww after insemination so it might be too late to reconsider!

At the point where someone is dictating whether or not you are allowed to breast feed your own baby, they can fuck off.

I wouldn't take that shit from someone in a cafe, and I certainly wouldn't take it from a controlling partner.

I guess it is too late to then to ask what on earth possessed you to press ahead?

Quint unfortunately the breastfeeding topic only came up over the weekend, I perhaps naively assumed it wouldn't be an issue.

shes being an idiot

There will be stages, especially around 1-4 years, where the child will almost exclusively prefer one parent over another. For the first year, both of mine are/were velcroed to me, most likely because I was breastfeeding, but there are now times when DS1 only wants DH but not me (last night when he was unwell for example). Babies and toddlers are black and white thinkers and will only think in terms of one primary parent at a time for a long time. Breastfeeding may influence this slightly towards you in the early months, but it's not something that's going to go away, even if you FF from day one.

Is your partner going to be resentful when your child-to-be goes through clingy biological-mum phase, then gloating during clingy-other-mum phase? If so, I would cease and desist the TTC right now. This doesn't sound good

Also, I wouldn't be going down the route of "I'll express so we can share the feeds". When the time comes and your supply is well established (at least 6 weeks after baby is born), then you can decide if you wish to express some milk. But do not go down the pumping some or exclusively pumping route unless it is something YOU wish to do. Pumping is hard going. Only do it if you want to - feeding direct from the breast is far easier.

I would have suggested highly in reconsidering having a baby with this woman. It seems it may be to late now. She is probably feeling a bit threatened that you will be the one making, delivering and feeding the baby. You are going to need to make her feel as equally important. It is different to a dad saying he doesn't want his wife to breastfeed as it is most probably biologically attached. In this case, your partner won't have any biological tie to the baby, it's obviously playing on her mind. Consider some counselling and reassure her she will be very much the babies mummy too. Good luck

It might be that she gets a bit less self-centred once the reality of parenthood and the concern for the baby kicks in, that a little growing up will happen.

This happens with lots of people.

You don't even know if you will manage to breast feed yet, and if you do, I doubt it will even become a question - after 6 months of breast feeding you are going to both laugh at the idea of her being in charge of it.

If you do and it still becomes a question, though, I suggest you providesome medical information on the issue and get her to read it.

If she still insists and you have managed to breastfeed, print out a list of all the benefits of breastfeeding, and the unfortunate health-related statistics, and at the bottom put:

I would like to risk all of this because .............................................
and ask her to sign it.

If she signs it and hands it to you, you had better believe that dotted line needs to say say something better than "because it would gratify me personally".