Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

[stqueen]

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

Because marriage is two things : a legal contract of partnership, basically the same construct as two architects or accountants forming a legal partnership: no love or romance required,
AND
A declaration of and state of deep love and commitment: spiritual, emotional partnership. It is this aspect that weddings are centred around and this aspect that people mean when they say they 'feel married ' . And believe it or not some are able to feel married in the second sense while being fully informed of and aware of the legal difference.

In many, many other cultures marriage is based around different balances of legal, cultural , religious obligation, ceremony and status.

Some folk on this thread sound like the anti-same-sex marriage brigade 'but it isn't marriage ! Marriage can only be one man one woman'.

The FB friend of the OP would be irritating no matter what her le

It doesn't cause any harm no, but it doesn't make sense.

I wouldn't tell someone my brother was picking up my Xmas tree if he wasn't actually my brother.

He is your partner, your significant other, whatever.. but your husband he is not.

Of course it isn't harmful but if you aren't married it is because it is not important to you right? Then why would you even want to use the word husband? There are many other terms you can use which accurately describe who he is. It seems like you don't want the paper but you want to use the definitions and while that is certainly your choice it is nonsensical.

Anyway , OP: nice one! You should get a prize for the most posts on a non issue , perhaps you will

Goodness me, there's some smug people on this thread! Having a partner makes people think you might just have had a one night stand who hasn't managed to leave yet?! Getting married means you're 'grown up' and 'committed'? Yeah, ok, keep on telling yourself that!

Attitudes like this are a big part of the reason why I want nothing at all to do with marriage. I have been with DP for 10 years - I call him my partner or more usually, refer to him by name as in 'I'll ask Bob about that, he's good with computers'. He's not called Bob . Never 'husband', although I don't always bother to correct people if they ask about my husband. Never 'hubs' or 'hubby' (gross). And absolutely never ever 'boyfriend' under any circumstances - he's 40 years old FFS!

It irritates me almost as much when people refer to their unmarried partner's family as 'in-laws'. I get that you need a descriptor for the relationship but there is no legally recognised connection there so stop using 'in law' to describe it.

It's not that marriage is better, it's factually inaccurate. Same with 'husband' when you're not married.

At least she doesn't call him "bar".

It irritates me almost as much when people refer to their unmarried partner's family as 'in-laws'

FFS- why get irritated at something so trivial? How exactly does this impact on your life?
Have you thought about doing some volunteering if you have so much time on your hands.

Actually loads of people use brother when technically they mean half, step, foster brother or other child who was brought up in the family whether DNA or marriage is shared or not . It's shorthand rather than go into detail, for someone who lives as a brother and fills the functions of s brother. It would be nonsensical to describe a random acquaintance as a brother in the same way that it would be nonsensical for FB nitwit to describe a random acquaintance as 'hubs'. :mouth rinse:

Mother in law is not a recognized legal connection . It's a 'common law' way of saying 'mother of my spouse '. No such thing as a common law mum!

My OH calls his half sister his sister- should I correct him when he is making introductions?

Marriage is neither a mere financial contract or a mere declaration of love.

The one is a nice frippery introduced by the state to something far larger and more important than the state.

The other is nice (but not necessary) for the WEDDING, but for the marriage? No. It's part of the infantilized and unrealistic expectations people have of marriage that lead them to expect Romeo and Juliet from the thing, and start becoming discontented or assuming it has all gone wrong when the reality sets in, which is mostly hum drum and about getting on, fulfilling your role, avoiding resentment by not believing you are entitled to things all the time, and working to uphold the marriage.

In my experience, people with the special certificate from HMG lie to, beat, cheat on their spouse or steal from them in court, often hypocritically pretending to observe their religion, then spouting empty promises to God, empty because they do not believe in Him and blow tens of thousands of pounds on a party, before settling in for a life of resentment and emptiness. For me and many like me, the state marriage is meaningless - out of respect for the institution of marriage.

I think it's a bit rich to look down on other people's marriages because they just got on with the business of living and working on a marriage, raising children and so on for the rest of their lives, but didn't have an open bar at the local Rugby club.

The posters who do it keep asking why it matters. It doesn't matter! I'm just curious now, but nobody is saying why they see marriage as a better description of their relationship.

If it's not a 'better' or more significant relationship l (which I don't think it is), why say it?

You refer to yourself as Mrs and call your partner your husband...but why??

My OH calls his half sister his sister- should I correct him when he is making introductions?
Er no because she is his sister? A more accurate analogy would be 'my husband calls his close friend since childhood, his sister'

Er no- technically she is his half sister, not his sister.

Cambridge dictionary- a girl or woman who has the same parents as another person.

They don't have the same parents- just one parent in common.

You can have a deep, committed, enduring loving relationship, or indeed, a vacuous, abusive or completely shit relationship if you are married or if you are not married. That is clearly a fact.

But you only have a husband or wife if you are married. That is also a fact. It is the term for your married partner. I completely see why you would not correct people who use it to refer to you here and there, but to use it yourself consciously as a description for your partner, is inaccurate and misleading and probably is an indication of your deeper wants or requirements.

"The posters who do it keep asking why it matters. It doesn't matter! I'm just curious now, but nobody is saying why they see marriage as a better description of their relationship."

Because if you have made a life-long commitment to each other and started a family, it expresses that level of commitment.

I think the assumption in the OP and some other posters is that people don't have a registered marriage with the state because they are not committed. It is a faulty assumption - people may have their own reasons for that, which is their business.

I have a large extended family.I call all the older adults aunties and uncles, although strictly some are not.
Is that bad too?

probably is an indication of your deeper wants or requirements.

Jesus on a stick.

I'm with you fatmomma99 as a married person of 33 years . What's wrong with partner? If you arent married you arent somebody's husband/wife . End of .

"It irritates me almost as much when people refer to their unmarried partner's family as 'in-laws'. I get that you need a descriptor for the relationship but there is no legally recognised connection there so stop using 'in law' to describe it.

It's not that marriage is better, it's factually inaccurate. Same with 'husband' when you're not married."

I don't think so. I think in laws is quite apt if you are in a long term committed relationship. I also completely get keeptothewhiteline using the term husband for ease and if she feels it more accurately describes her relationship as obviously there are a lot of folk out there who are grading the importance of relationships on whether you have officially married or not.

Does it really matter and why try and make some folk feel shit and second rate. Maybe some women would love to be married but the other half won't. Does it really matter.

"The posters who do it keep asking why it matters. It doesn't matter! I'm just curious now, but nobody is saying why they see marriage as a better description of their relationship.

If it's not a 'better' or more significant relationship l (which I don't think it is), why say it?

You refer to yourself as Mrs and call your partner your husband...but why??"

Because it obviously matters a lot to many others who seem a bit irate that someone is trying to join their special club without paying their dues, the upstarts. It also looks like some married folk (even if for 15 mins) like to make sure it's understood that their 15 minute marriage is superior to a 20 year committed relationship.

Much of society is obviously judging these people and their relationships.

I use the term DH on here as shorthand. We've been together 25 years, share four kids, a couple of houses, and a successful business. Legally everything we have is shared. He's also supported me through my SAHM choices and my worsening disability. He's never cheated on me or been abusive or horrible in any way.

We don't need a certificate, we never lie about our legal status, to our kids' schools, to people at our church or anyone. I find people who try to infer my relationship is in any way inferior, deeply pathetic.

And yes, they do tend to be those who have insecurities about their own relationships. Personally I don't give a toss about the labels people put on their relationships with others.

I have also been know to use the term boyfriend, to wind up the teens. But that's another story.

Just to be a pain in the arse, I find hubby less irritating than 'babe' - Ugh why would you call someone that ?

Bleurgh.

Er no- technically she is his half sister, not his sister
Its still not a similar analogy. Missing out the 'half' from half sister isnt the same as lying about being married when youre not?

This is all very illuminating. I had no idea that people were getting angry over the ownership of the word 'hubby' (bleurgh). I tend to refer to dp as 'you, over there, with the stubble. Empty the dishwasher'

I am unmarried and have been with dp for just over 5 years.
I'll get round to getting married eventually, in the meantime we live together, have kids and no financial assets to squabble over in the case of seperation. When we acquire assets then we can pop down to the registry office and get bit of paper that protects us legally. Very romantic altogether