Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
keeptothewhiteline · 16/06/2015 09:41

No- one is "lying" about being married.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 16/06/2015 09:42

I'm not crazy about this trend of people not getting married. It doesn't have any bearing on me, apart from my desire for my children to get married and have children (in that order) one day themselves.

The fact that this is now considered so archaic that "boyfriend" easily transmutes to "husband" slightly irritates me, but I understand that many wouldn't agree with me and I'd keep it under my hat. Except on here, of course.

Donttellmewhattosay · 16/06/2015 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shovetheholly · 16/06/2015 09:43

I totally believe that you can have a relationship that is more committed emotionally and practically than most marriages without going through a ceremony. I know plenty of couples in this position.

However, I have to say that the ceremony itself does make a difference to a committed partnership. It doesn't change the way you feel about each other, but it does put things on a new footing. And there is a magical moment of clarity that you get, standing there and speaking those words where the magnitude of the promise that you are making descends upon you, and it feels like there are just the two of you in the whole world. Part of that is the institutional weight of what you are doing. Which is why I believe that it's very important to acknowledge same-sex marriages in exactly the same way: because marriage isn't just a private thing, it's a public institution.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/06/2015 09:43

And this thread is a bit of an eye opener. I had no idea people would be gnashing their teeth every time I used husband.

"Partner" just sounds like a business relationship,
"Boyfriend" sounds like we are about 17
and "Father of my children" sounds like he's my ex.

Meh, husband is easier, sod it.

Bambambini · 16/06/2015 09:44

"Its still not a similar analogy. Missing out the 'half' from half sister isnt the same as lying about being married when youre not?"

But they are not lying about being married by saying husband or hubby or whatever. Do they actually go about saying they are married, have mocked up photos to enforce the deception? It's just word, pet name, a better description, to not confuse easily confused people, maybe for a joke, maybe to wind certain smug married people up, maybe his name is Hubble.

MaliceInWonderland78 · 16/06/2015 09:44

I don't think it especially bothers me (though I'd probably think it slightly odd) however, I'd be more concerned that the person who was "deluding" themselves as to their status understood that they weren't actually married and understood the ramifications of that (for better or worse).

InexperiencedDisneyMum · 16/06/2015 09:46

It annoys me too. My brothers fiancé calls us all Sil, Mil, Fil etc. They are not married so she shouldn't use those terms in my opinion.

ChwatFeechers · 16/06/2015 09:48

Donttellmewhattosay Well said.

QuintShhhhhh · 16/06/2015 09:48

Hey, chillax!

These days you can even think you are a different ethnicity to the one you were born with, so who cares that she likes to think she is married?

Tbh, Hubby and Hubs make a mockery of married men.....

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 09:50

It irritates me almost as much when people refer to their unmarried partner's family as 'in-laws'.

I have no clue why this would irritate anyone! In-laws is shorthand that everyone understands, it makes perfect sense to me if someone refers to their partner's family as their in-laws.

QuintShhhhhh · 16/06/2015 09:51

No, THAT actually does not make sense at all.

Think about the word, Mother in law - so, bound legally through marriage to her offspring.

Just No.

mileend2bermondsey · 16/06/2015 09:51

No- one is "lying" about being married
Using the marital terms husband and wife, when you are not married, is creating the impression that you are married, which is not true, hence youre lying.

bbcessex · 16/06/2015 09:53

tinklylaugh - why do you use DH as shorthand when there is DP which is equally short / available?

"Partner" just sounds like a business relationship,
"Boyfriend" sounds like we are about 17
and "Father of my children" sounds like he's my ex.

I do agree with you about the lack of suitable term for long term / committed partner... it was one of the reasons why I wanted to get married :-)

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 09:54

'Just no'.

Oh well seeing as you've said 'Just no' I'll completely revise my opinion in that case! Hmm

All these high maintenance married people need a hobby. No one is stealing anyone's status.

lilacblossomtime · 16/06/2015 09:54

I would totally think this was ok in a couple who had a loving committed relationship, but both agreed they didn't want to marry. It might seem a bit sad if one wanted to marry but the other didn't, although I would regard that as none of my business.
Going back to an earlier point if someone called a close friend their sister, because they loved them like a sister that would be quite sweet.

bbcessex · 16/06/2015 09:55

keeptothewhiteline
:-) Jesus on a stick.. funny saying!

I think its quite a reasonable assumption that if you refer to someone as your husband, then you'd quite like him to be.

keeptothewhiteline · 16/06/2015 09:55

it was one of the reasons why I wanted to get married :-) seems a pretty trivial reasons- especially as you could simply use the term husband anyway.

It may upset some of the pearl clutchers but it won't get you arrested.

FreudiansSlipper · 16/06/2015 09:57

agree with you op that you have too much time on you hands

QuintShhhhhh · 16/06/2015 09:58

Mitzy, fair enough, but do you always just read the final sentence of a post? Wink

HoldYerWhist · 16/06/2015 09:59

Donttellmewhattosay thank you! Great post.

mileend2bermondsey · 16/06/2015 10:00

Also I think there is a big difference between as one poster said to a random shop assitant, 'my husband will come back to pick this up later' and posting all over facebook 'my hubbys so cute' or whatever. The first is just an issue of convenience the second is just unnecessary lying.

I just cant get my head around why youd want to portray you are married when you are not. If you are that bothered, then just get married surely?

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 10:03

The OP says they've been engaged for years so maybe she wants to get married but her partner doesn't. Who knows. But to feel angry about is is a bit sad and pointless.

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 16/06/2015 10:08

Is there not the terms common-law wife and common-law husband so technically she's correct to refer to him as her husband.

No. No no no no no no no! Common law spouses are NOT A THING in the UK. People thinking they are is responsible for all kinds of problems. Nothing like this exists in England, NI or Wales. In Scotland they have 'marriages of habute and repute' but only in limited circumstances and for unions entered into before a certain date. Sorry to jump down your throat pinkje but it is so, so, so important to correct this misapprehension.

Across, I am sorry for your loss. But I don't think anyone would say your aunt and uncle weren't married in any sense of the term. Certainly they weren't legally married, but as they underwent a religious ceremony, they were religiously married. They made their vows to their God and would be recognised as married in the eyes of God by members of their faith community. It's possible to be married in the eyes of a religion but not the law.

bbcessex · 16/06/2015 10:09

keeptothewhiteline.

It wasn't trivial to me - I like accuracy!!