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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 15/06/2015 23:21

Fatmomma You seem to think that being somebody's wife makes you somehow superior, it really doesn't.

ButtonMoon88 · 15/06/2015 23:21

calleighdoodle

We've not married yet because buying house and being pregnant have got in the way, we will marry though but until then I will still see DP as my hubby, he is far more to me than a boyfriend that's for sure

workhouse · 15/06/2015 23:22

when people pretend they have the same status as me with their relationships

OMG I have had an extremely happy relationship with the same man for nearly 20 years and you think that your relationship has a higher status than mine. You have just made me really sad that someone would even think that.

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2015 23:23

Why don't you post, "Listen, bitch, I paid good money to call Bob 'hubby' - don't you fucking dare try to cheat your way out of paying for it"?

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:25

Yes, go with that approach. But not before you friend me on facebook so I can watch it unfold..........

Bambambini · 15/06/2015 23:25

I don't get it. I have friends who have lived together longer than I've been married. I really don't see a difference in commitment or importance.

I just imagine a few very smug looking women going round breathing on their wedding ring and polishing it up to make sure everyone knows how special they are.

mileend2bermondsey · 15/06/2015 23:26

I actually dont view marriage as anything more than a piece of paper, I think it is archaic and unnecessary. But if you refer to your DP and hubby or wife then clearly you do believe in the notion of marriage and if you want people to think youre married, then, well.....just get married ffs!

Blu · 15/06/2015 23:26

OP.

Seriously, go and try out the new Magnum raspberry and espresso flavours or something.

You are making a mockery of perspective, proportion, common sense and a great long list of other things.

As for comparing claiming (by use of an exceedingly naff nickname - 'hubby' - wince) that she is married is akin to someone claiming they have a PhD...well that isn't helping your cause. There is no material gain in her using an irritating description to describe her relationship, and however exalted and exclusive you seem to regard the state of marriage, unlike an PhD it doesn't take any more hard work, talent, vision or any quality that one could reasonably be proud of over and above the quality of having the same kind of relationship but not being married.

YABU on many. many fronts.

hers is confined to her use of the word hubby / hubs.

Original poster
stqueen · 15/06/2015 23:27

I disagree being married gives you a higher status, if you're in a loving, committed relationship it shouldn't matter whether you're married or not & I know plenty of couples who have been together many, many years without that piece of paper. But. . .why pretend otherwise with use of the words husband, hubs, hubby? In context, I'm talking about using those terms in conversation, with friends of friends, on FB & other online NOT just as an affectionate term for your OH. It's that 'dishonest' feel I'm grated by.

think its time for a lie down in a dark room bed

OP posts:
bbcessex · 15/06/2015 23:27

But Mitzy.. don't you see that that is tragic? You only have a husband if you are married. Marriage is not a state of mind, however much you may wish to argue that it is.

Marriage is a legally binding agreement that two people (hopefully ) both decide to enter into it.
To 'pretend' that you are married by using the terms seems completely bizarre to me.

  • not devaluing long term committed relationships. Just distinguishing them from marriage.
CeliaLytton · 15/06/2015 23:28

Some people call their DP 'baby' when they are in fact the younger one in the relationship!

Some use 'sweetheart' when their partner's heart is no more fragrant or tasty than any other!

It's not literal. I got married, I can choose to be a miss, mrs or ms because it doesn't matter. As long as she is not defrauding anyone by pretending to be legally married, YABU.

But as you have conceded that you are being a bit dickhead-ish, all is forgiven Grin

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 15/06/2015 23:28

It's akin to me posting on social media I've got a PHD in medical fucking science when I've 'only' got a Masters degree.
No it's like saying you've got a PhD in chemistry when you have a PhD in physics i.e. equal value but different.

usualsuspect333 · 15/06/2015 23:31

I don't think people use those terms to pretend to be married. I think it's just a way of referring to your partner.

I would never call my partner my hubby [wince] but I can't get worked up about anyone who chooses to.

Fatmomma99 · 15/06/2015 23:32

I don't think I'm superior AT ALL, but I am a wife because I chose to get married. If you chose a different road, you are not, in fact, a wife or a husband, so why would you say you were?

We're playing Monopoly. You want to be The Car, I want to be The Ship. Why would you say you are the Ship if you are the Car.

Society doesn't force us these days - it used to. Your relationship will be taken seriously and properly by ALL the authorities. if you choose to shun the formal bit, why on earth would you pretend you haven't?

If you have a life partner that you want to describe as a husband, then marry them.
If you don't, find another term.

Do you say "I'm having my period" when you're not?

Do you say "yes, I cycle everywhere" when you only ever take the car or the the bus?

Do you say "I always recycle" when you don't?

Why would you do ANY of those things?

Equally, why would you say you're married when you're not?

It's such a no-brainer, and so irritating!

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:32

bbc I know what marriage is and I don't think I once referred to it as 'state of mind'. I just do not see the big deal if someone who isn't married chooses to refer to their long-term partner as hubs/hubby. It doesn't dilute marriage or make a married couple's relationship any less meaningful.

It simply does not effect my life or anyone else's life one tiny little jot. To get angry about it is very strange indeed.

workhouse · 15/06/2015 23:33

To me 'husband' means life partner, and I shall continue to use it.

ChwatFeechers · 15/06/2015 23:34

Fatmomma99 puts me in mind of Muriel Heslop.

Can't believe OP (and Muriel) are so uptight about how someone else addresses the person they are in a committed relationship as.

I've got more respect for a 20 year relationship than a 2 year marriage.

OhEmGeee · 15/06/2015 23:34

Is there not the terms common-law wife and common-law husband so technically she's correct to refer to him as her husband

Well no, because that doesn't exist. There is no such thing as a common law marriage.

Tequilashotfor1 · 15/06/2015 23:35

At least it's better than cunt face.......

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:35

Fatmomma is Margo Leadbetter after she's dropped a load of acid at a WI meeting.

CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 23:37

"To me 'husband' means life partner, and I shall continue to use it."

Good on you, Workhouse.

The terms someone chooses to apply to their relationship have no impact upon anyone else's relationship (or the 'status' thereof) whatsoever.

ChwatFeechers · 15/06/2015 23:37

And Fatmomma99, you yourself claimed you had posted inconsistencies about your personal life on here. Bastion of truth [rolleyes]

Do you say "I'm having my period" when you're not?

What. The. Fuck?

workhouse · 15/06/2015 23:37

Do you say "I'm having my period" when you're not?

It has been known, life can be fun like that!!

mileend2bermondsey · 15/06/2015 23:38

To me 'husband' means life partner, and I shall continue to use it
Well the dictionary would tend to disagree with you. Or are we just redefining words to what we'd like them to mean now?

LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 23:39

In law there is a massive difference between being married and unmarried. It is absolutely not just a piece of paper.

Yanbu OP because it's inaccurate and massively irritatingly twee to boot.