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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
pinkje · 15/06/2015 22:53

Is there not the terms common-law wife and common-law husband so technically she's correct to refer to him as her husband.

usualsuspect333 · 15/06/2015 22:53

I don't need society to respect my relationship.

CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 22:53

"Bob? I mean on FB you don't actually have to define yourself. Can't you just write, "Bob is so lovely"? "

I completely agree ~ but my point is that the OP's friend seemingly feels that she does want to use some term to convey the nature of her relationship, and the allusion to marriage (even though she's NOT MARRIED and is pretending to be something she's not Shock) is possibly the best she can come up with.

Sallystyle · 15/06/2015 22:54

don't have much respect for the institution of marriage

That doesn't make much sense. You don't respect the institution of marriage so why call him your husband?

If you don't respect it I would have thought the last thing you would want to do is make out you are married by calling yourself husband and wife.

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 22:54

She's being unreasonable for using a word as twee as hubs/hubby but you're being more unreasonable for being so territorial over the word husband.

You feel she's 'making a mockery out of those who ARE married'.

Pft.

Original poster
stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:54

I'm married but it's nothing to do with how much I respect / not respect marriage. . .(my mockery of marriage statement was twatish in hindsight).

But, surely if you are referring to your DP as your 'hubby' or 'hubs' frequently, publicly & to everyone who knows you its being disingenuous when said DP isn't actually your 'hubby' AND there are other terms you can use to describe him, like his name (like your thinking MrsTerryPratchett).

OP posts:
BeenWondering · 15/06/2015 22:54

keeptothewhiteline
Marriage is a piece of paper and easy to get out of.

You clearly checked out the Relationships board recently.

quietasamouse · 15/06/2015 22:56

Well if it's as simple as you don't like them saying it because it's not true, I'm totally with you on that one!

I had a friend who used to say she was Chinese. She wasn't. That bugged me too.

I'm like you, I know it's BU as it's nothing to do with me, and I certainly don't let it interfere with my life, but those kind of untruths bug me too Smile.

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 22:56

When I was a child I was encouraged to call some of my mothers close friends auntie. Even though we were not related.
Should this be stopped too?

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 22:57

His best friend at Uni (and a LOVELY guy, who I adore) used to describe his "life partner" as his "wife". I couldn't bear it! I ALWAYS corrected him. I am a wife. I have a certificate to prove it.

Fatmomma99 you sound 99 types of crazy.

usualsuspect333 · 15/06/2015 22:57

Reading the relationship boards on MN is enough to put you off marriage for life.

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 22:57

Of course marriage is easy to get out of.

CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 22:57

"But why does it matter?"

Exactly. How does someone referring to her partner as 'hubs' on fb matter to anyone at all (other than by virtue of the sickening 'cute' abbreviation)?

MrsBennetsEldest · 15/06/2015 22:59

All those with the bit of paper stand on the right please,
All those without it, please stand on the left.
All those who want the bit of paper but haven't got it stand at the top.
All those who have the bit of paper but would like to change it for a different one stand at the bottom.

When I blow my whistle, charrrrrrrrge.......and when it's all calmed down......... We will all see it doesn't really matter who has what and who calls who by whatever name. Peace, love n light Wink

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 22:59

Lots of pearl clutching here.

We must preserve public attitudes to marriage, we are the real wives and we have certificates to prove it.

Well done.

Fatmomma99 · 15/06/2015 23:00

But if you're not married (and that's fine - I don't care how any of you lives your life, and society doesn't judge you, although it used to) then you are NOT a husband or wife. If you want to be a wife or husband, get married (it doesn't have to be big - ours certainly wasn't). But why would you refuse to come to a party and then pretend to be one of the guests??????

As for terms. I like Life Partner and also the Armistead Maupin "Significant Other" (both is which I use for my DH, but I also use "husband" "A Hubs" and "useless tosser", all of which equally and honestly apply. Very occasionally I use "sweetie". Often sarcastically).

If you don't want to get married, fine. But fuck off the terminology. You aren't one. ESP if you're not getting married because you don't respect the institution. (where's the logic?????)

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:01

My eyes! Way too many question marks there.

patienceisvirtuous · 15/06/2015 23:02

"I don't think you "get" the right of society taking your relationship seriously, and respecting it, unless you've actually done it."

Such a twattish statement.

Fwiw, DP and I are getting married soon. I couldn't give a fck if that means 'society' will then take our relationship more seriously. We're getting married for us, not so smug types can then nod approvingly Confused

CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 23:02

"His best friend at Uni (and a LOVELY guy, who I adore) used to describe his "life partner" as his "wife". I couldn't bear it! I ALWAYS corrected him. I am a wife. I have a certificate to prove it. "

Is it just me who find that last bit utterly hilarious?

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:03

Why are people so weirdly territorial over a word? Baffling.

BeenWondering · 15/06/2015 23:03

No it is not keeptothewhiteline. It really isn't. As you say you've never been married so I'll grant you the benefit of ignorance.

Anyway OP, whatever your friend calls her dp, tell her to stop using the terms 'hubby' and 'hubs.' That gives me rage, and I was already on a thread earlier telling people not to take threads too seriously.

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:03

I bet her certificate is laminated and on her person at all times!

keeptothewhiteline · 15/06/2015 23:04

Beenwondering- I didn't say I had never been married.

I have. So the "ignorance" label won't stick.

Bambambini · 15/06/2015 23:04

Fatmomma - how long have you been married?

Do folk who have been married a week or so feel really that much more superior to some unmarried couple who have been living together for 30 years or so?

Original poster
stqueen · 15/06/2015 23:05

Thank you quietasamouse, I think I've discovered the root of my issue. . .it's annoying me because it ISN'T TRUE! It's akin to me posting on social media I've got a PHD in medical fucking science when I've 'only' got a Masters degree. It is not true. So why say it? I think its the 'trying to be something you're not' thing that bothers me. You're not a wife, so fucking what (in fact, why would you want to be most some of the time)?

OP posts: