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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
RomaFlo · 15/06/2015 23:06

I have a relative who does this and I really don't know why but it bloody annoys me Angry

She and her boyfriend both post on Facebook at least a couple of times a day 'watching TV with my wifey, she's my world' 'love my hubby all the world'

Like I've said, I don't know why but it really annoys me and I always end up shouting at my screen 'but you're not flipping married' I need to get out more Blush

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:07

It's akin to me posting on social media I've got a PHD in medical fucking science when I've 'only' got a Masters degree.

Nah. It's really nothing like that at all. A PHD takes years of work, a marriage takes half an hour.

Your anger is truly bizarre. Maybe a little less obsessing over your friend's life and more focus on your own.

usualsuspect333 · 15/06/2015 23:07

You are a wife, so fucking what.

mileend2bermondsey · 15/06/2015 23:08

I dont really understand or have the desire to be married, but I would never refer to my DP as 'wifey' or similar.

I have a friend who does similar to the OPs friend posting things about her 'hubby'. I just find it a bit pathetic really. If you want the world to have the impression you are married and you want to be the 'wifey' to his 'hubby' then get married. Why pretend?

CalleighDoodle · 15/06/2015 23:08

He isnt her husband. If that was someone i knew i would assume she was hinting.

bbcessex · 15/06/2015 23:09

The point is... husband and wife means 'married'. With all that entails. And for those of you saying it's just a piece of paper... legally you are very wrong. You have many more rights automatic rights as a couple / parent if you are married...

Could not care less if you choose to get married or not.. but use an accurate term to derive your relationship if you choose to describe it..

Original poster
stqueen · 15/06/2015 23:11

mileend2bermondsey I have a friend who does similar to the OPs friend posting things about her 'hubby'. I just find it a bit pathetic really. If you want the world to have the impression you are married and you want to be the 'wifey' to his 'hubby' then get married. Why pretend?

Here, here.

OP posts:
CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 23:11

"I think I've discovered the root of my issue. . .it's annoying me because it ISN'T TRUE! "

If you're going to get het up about people posting stuff on fb that isn't actually true then you're not going to have much time left for anything else in your life, as pretty much everything that people post on fb is a carefully massaged version of the truth to make them seem infinitely more fascinating and witty than they are in reality. Social media is one steaming crock of shite from start to finish.

BeenWondering · 15/06/2015 23:11

Fine then keeptothewhiteline I was taking you at your word referring to your current partner of 20-odd years or so. Although divorce might have been a walk in the park for you, in the main marriage is "not easy to get out of." I'm sure there are many abused and down trodden parters trying to work out how they'll go about divorce with an uncooperative partner. Just have a brief scan on the Relationships board to see how easy it really is.

Fatmomma99 · 15/06/2015 23:12

Yes, MitzyLeFrouf, totally crazy.

And no, I don't carry a card. But I'm proud and happy to be married and it irks me when people who aren't pretend to be something they're not. I even wear a wedding ring.

It's not any kind of deal-breaker. I wouldn't end a friendship over it, but it gets on my tits when people pretend they have the same status as me with their relationships when they do not. So I agreed with the OP and justified why.

And I think at the heart of it, the reason why is because when you have a DP, you might just have had an overnight one night stand who hasn't left yet and when you have a DH you have made a grown up choice and commitment. It might be different for you, and that's fine. But this is how it was for me... I didn't want my relationship to be viewed in the former category, and if you are in that category, you shouldn't pretend you aren't (in my VU view).

SoldierBear · 15/06/2015 23:12

If it makes you happy to use terms connected with marriage to describe your partner, then fair enough.
But, marriage is a legal institution and does afford women different right in relation to the home if she is not an owner.
On the down side, marriage is NOT easy to end. It takes time, money and it can break your heart.

Georgina1975 · 15/06/2015 23:13

"Hubby" and "Hubs" - just no. I would hide that friend.*

I wear DP's family engagement and wedding ring on my wedding finger and we're not married. I tend to call him by his first name - in private and public. We're just crazy mixed-up kids.

*But the marriage status issue wouldn't bother me.

Fatmomma99 · 15/06/2015 23:13

It's our 20th in 2015, Bambambini

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:14

People can use whatever words they like to describe their partner hubs/hubby/Viscount de Sex/Marquis of Muppetry......

I don't know why anyone would care or get aerated about it? If someone claims they're a surgeon when they're actually an accountant, that's a different matter.

ButtonMoon88 · 15/06/2015 23:16

Me and my DP aren't married but we have been together for a decade and have a baby and a house and cats, so for all intents and purposes we are married. We feel it and certainly don't plan not to be together. I often refer to him as hubby, mostly because boyfriend makes it sound like we are still teenagers, and partner just sounds as if we own a business, it isn't very loving!!

Branwell · 15/06/2015 23:16

I'm actually married, but was with my now husband for so long before we married (over 20 years) that I still say 'partner' by default. Am I guilty of misrepresenting my relationship by denying That Piece of Paper?

CrystalHaze · 15/06/2015 23:16

Viscount de Sex

Genius.

'Me and the Viscount de Sex just chilling with OITNB3 and a cheeky bottle of vino. #feelingblessed' Grin

CalleighDoodle · 15/06/2015 23:17

Then why not get married if you are ashamed of saying boyfriend?

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:17

the reason why is because when you have a DP, you might just have had an overnight one night stand who hasn't left yet and when you have a DH you have made a grown up choice and commitment.

Oh dear. That statement makes you sound the very opposite of grownup. Your insistence that no one use words that (shock, horror) imply they're married when they're not also sounds desperately childish.

But at least you've got a certificate!

bbcessex · 15/06/2015 23:18

But mitzy using the term husband implies legal status that you don't have.. so the same argument as your explanation... its inaccurate so why so it?

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:18

CrystalHaze anything beats the awful 'hubby'! Grin

Original poster
stqueen · 15/06/2015 23:19

To Fatmomma99's point, I am also proud of being married (although I would rather pull my tooth out with a door handle & string than refer to him as hubby or hubs) & it grates when people (yes, including my lovely friend) pretend to be something they aren't. Agree with all of the posters that it's more than a bit of paper.

The strangest thing is, they ARE engaged & have been for many years but no official engagement ring & no wedding on the horizon. It may be a financial thing but if marriage is that important to you, you can do it on a shoestring (I'm talking as someone who had to do just that!)

OP posts:
bbcessex · 15/06/2015 23:19

I also like Viscount de Sex! !!

usualsuspect333 · 15/06/2015 23:20

I've been with my partner for 37 years. I'd say that was a grown up choice and commitment.

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2015 23:20

It's very simple bbc, because they want to use the term husband. Their use of the terms husband/wife don't impinge on your marriage do they? so why get so upset about it?