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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
HoldYerWhist · 17/06/2015 16:40

I will continue to use the term husband and I will continue to say I am a Mrs until someone can come up with a non confusing title

Yep. I would agree that there's room for a new title!

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:41

Husband works well enough for me until then.

BertrandRussell · 17/06/2015 16:43

"Because then I have 2 partners. If I refer to one as my partner some people think my business partner is my dp equally sometimes dp accompanies me and if I refer to him as partner "

Surely easily corrected? Or not that important? Or use business partner?

BertrandRussell · 17/06/2015 16:46

"
Yep. I would agree that there's room for a new title!"

There is. Well, it's not exactly new- it's Ms Because women's marital status is not a defining characteristic.

MitzyLeFrouf · 17/06/2015 16:47

Ms.

There's no need for a woman's title to declare her marital status.

HoldYerWhist · 17/06/2015 16:48

There is. Well, it's not exactly new- it'sMsBecause women's marital status is not a defining characteristic.

Grin
Bambambini · 17/06/2015 16:52

But you could marry a man and same day go your seperate ways and never live with or see that person again. Officially your husband but not fitting the description of one most people have in their mind. Then you could have the man you've lived with for thirty years, have children and grandchildren and share everything. This fits most peoples definition of marriage and what a husband is. Language is fluid these days. It doesnt always have to be literal

Sallystyle · 17/06/2015 16:57

It doesn't interfere in my life keeptothewhiteline

Why would you think it does?

Funnily enough, AIBU is full of pointless threads where we discuss things that really don't matter, but it is fun to debate it anyway.

Don't worry, I am not losing any sleep over it. It's a fun thing for me to discuss when I have nothing else to do right now, that is all.

ChocolateWombat · 17/06/2015 16:58

I still find it odd that people say they don't want to be married, but they want to refer to their unmarried partner as husband or wife - surely they realise that by doing this, people will assume they are actually married - and when people earlier said 'husband best describes his relationship to me' do they mean that society considers the closest long term relationship to be legal marriage, which is why they refer to him as husband, because they feel they have that level of close relationship?
Whether people want to get married or not, referring to a partner as a husband or wife's society is recognition of the value/view that society places on marriage, even if we as individuals have chosen not to do it. It is a way of saying 'this is my very close life partner and we have chosen to commit fully to each other' - of course, traditionally and still often today, such commitment is often seen by a legal wedding. I think those who are unmarried despite how valid they feel their relationship is and regardless of if their level of commitment is equal to/less than/ more than that of married people still have a sense that society might view their relationship as somehow less committed or long term, and their use of 'hubby' etc is an acknowledgement of this, whether it is witting or unwitting.

We need to remember we are barely 40 years beyond marriage being the total norm for everyone and cohabiting being really looked down on. It takes a long time for even those so-called progressives t o think marriage is unnecessary or outdated to really and truly internalise that belief - wanting to call oneself or ones partner by a relationship that one has rejected, suggests the hold of old values is still really strong. I would imagine it will take many more years before and if society really sees cohabiting as fully the same or equal. Those of you who claim you totally see it as equal/the same may well do - I am not questioning your personal feelings, but recognsing the broader attitudes of society that still have a hold on us,even if we want to shake them off.

londonlife · 17/06/2015 17:01

KERALA1 - I'm confused - "...also with the Conservative election win if David Cameron's IHT pledge is brought in the IHT breaks for married homeowners could go up to ?1million" - I thought being married meant that all transfers to spouses were exempt from IHT? ie there isn't a threshold. Well, either way, we're not married, so we are still screwed if one of us does die. I really resent having to get married for this reason.

YesThisIsMe · 17/06/2015 17:10

Actually bambambini I reckon most people's definition of husband is all about the legals, and the guy who buggered off who you never got around to divorcing is firmly within the general meaning of the term. Think about all the many many many crap dramas and sitcoms where a stranger turns up out of the blue just as our hero and heroine are about to declare their love. "Oh! Fred! Fred, this is Bill. Bill.....this is Fred..... MY HUSBAND !!!!!"

The only times I can think of in fiction when "husband/wife" are used by non-married couples is in the context of long-established gay couples before the dawn of marriage equality, making a point. (Possible exception for Sergeant Troy in Far From the Madding Crowd, but Bathsheba is definitely all about the legal status when the unfortunate incident occurs.)

bbcessex · 17/06/2015 17:13

Oliversmumsarmy.. you've take it to whole new other level now, by calling yourself 'Mrs' aswell!

If you have a 'husband', and you are a 'Mrs', why not just actually get married?

workhouse · 17/06/2015 17:18

ChocolateWombat you are looking into this far too deeply.

people will assume they are actually married everyone we know, knows that we are not married, it is purely a personal thing between us. Sometimes I just call him his name.

If anything I am rather proud of not being married, seeing as I am quite old, although I know it is not something to be either proud nor ashamed of.

bbcessex · 17/06/2015 17:20

You know, a proportion of married women don't like to use 'Mrs' because they feel there is no need to divulge marital status that way, and/or they don't take their husband's surnames etc.

It's quite odd that a couple of 'informally married' posters here say they use the term 'Mrs' as well. I really don't understand that.

workhouse · 17/06/2015 17:20

Oh I'm Mrs, Ms, Miss, even considering Mx, whatever takes my fancy.

bbcessex · 17/06/2015 17:21

workhouse - you must have been a trailblazer :-) :-)

Echocave · 17/06/2015 17:26

It is a bit odd though. Yes people can refer to each other however they like but I think my husband would think it was a bit strange if I started calling him my partner. I don't think it's insulting other people who are happily not married to suggest that in this case, this person might wish she were married. That's how it sounds to me.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/06/2015 17:29

I use the term Mrs as when you get to my age saying your a Miss sounds a little Dick Emeryish.

It is a bit like the French referring to a single woman of a certain age as Madamme as opposed to Madmoiselle.

motherinferior · 17/06/2015 17:29

I haven't been a Miss since I was 18.

StrawberryMouse · 17/06/2015 17:30

I referred to my dh as my "babydaddy" before we got married. Think that may have been one of the main reasons he was keen to get the certificate signed tbh. Grin

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 17:30

I am Mrs though- legally too. Although unmarried.
I divorced 23 years ago and have kept my married name ( for a reason) and title of Mrs.
I use the title of Mrs as a divorced woman.

Just to confuse things. I find it all quite hilarious. I sometimes call my teenage DD Sir as does she to me.

workhouse · 17/06/2015 17:31

I quite fancy Mistress, as in 'Mistress Poldark'.

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 17/06/2015 17:38

There's not really any such thing as being 'legally Mrs'. Anyone can use the title if they want, regardless of current or previous marital status. Same with Ms or Miss. You're no more or less legally Mrs than you were either during or prior to your marriage keepto. Unlike 'husband', it doesn't have a specific legal definition.

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 17:41

Ha ha- all the more reason to use it then. I'll tell my husband- maybe he would like to be a Mrs too.

THis thread is hilarious. Who gives a flying fuck if someone calls their man husband?

ahbollocks · 17/06/2015 17:42

I.m guilty of a MN sin- I call my significant other dh but we arent married yet.
I found when posting under another name I would be bombarded with 'is he the father of ds etc etc?' And felt there was a definite underlying judgement tone to many of the responses.

If people ask about him in real life as in 'so what does your husband do?' I dont correct because tbh it doesnt really mean anything.