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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:00

Why else would you do it?

Because it is the most accurate description of my relationship to others.

HoldYerWhist · 17/06/2015 16:03

How is it, though, if you're not married?

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/06/2015 16:04

If I have lived with my dp/h/bf for 38 years and have 2 teenage children can I ask what I refer to my 59 year old dp/h/bf as if he isn't my dh as we are not married. He is not my partner as I already have a partner in work stuff and boy friend is so wrong on so many levels as he is definitely not a boy.

HoldYerWhist · 17/06/2015 16:07

Why isn't he a partner, though? One is a business partner, the other a life partner?

Genuinely curious. I don't see the problem with that!

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/06/2015 16:08

I also say I am Mrs on forms etc

motherinferior · 17/06/2015 16:10

My partner quite often refers to me as his wife. (Granted, he'd quite like to get married.)

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:11

Same here oliver. We are in our 50s- I too have a business partner,my OH is not my boyfriend- husband is the most accurate description.

By habit and repute he is my husband, in fact in all ways except a government issued piece of paper.

There are a number of footpaths and bridleways behind my house, in a wooded area. People have been using them since the early 1900s.
They are not officially recognised by the council, on no maps but many people still use them.
Does that mean they are not footpaths because they are not recognised by the planning authorities?

Tell that to the people using them.

I don't need state recognition to call my OH my husband.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/06/2015 16:12

This is my Life Partner is not true. He has not been my partner for all my life and we might split in which case he would certainly not be my life partner.

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:12

I am Mrs too oliver.

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:15

holdyer- oh yeah "life partner" really slips off the tongue.

I can see my OH introducing me as his "life partner" at his office christmas party- he would sound a real fucking doofus.

BertrandRussell · 17/06/2015 16:15

"Why else would you do it?

Because it is the most accurate description of my relationship to others."

For me it isn't. I am not a wife, and never want to be one. My partner is not my husband- and I never want him to be.

Those of us who have business partners- how often is it genuinely likely to cause confusion? The only people I have met in real life who go on about that also say stuff like how it's such a shame you can't use gay to mean happy any more and " What's wrong with saying coloured? Everyone's a colour!"

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/06/2015 16:18

So how many "life partners" can you have if you only have one life?

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:18

bertrand- and that is great for you.
I respect the right of anyone how to address others in their life- but that is all some of us are asking for too.

KERALA1 · 17/06/2015 16:21

Londonlife - also with the Conservative election win if David Cameron's IHT pledge is brought in the IHT breaks for married homeowners could go up to £1million. So for unmarried couples the NRB remains £325k, for married home owners £1m. Unjustifiable and IMO unfair but my god if you are a homeowner in the south east you would need very strong anti marriage convictions/other good reasons not to marry to not get to the registry office.

Sorry if I have come across as preachy on this thread I hope I am not, I really don't care if people are married or not but it is horrid to see people getting screwed over when they are missing a key piece of information and I have had clients who have faced some really rubbish situations.

motherinferior · 17/06/2015 16:22

I refer to DP as my partner, or as my daughters' father. He isn't my husband but then I get quite offended when people think I am married.

But, you know, a lot of the time I don't need to refer to him as My Anything. He's an independent human being, albeit one to whom I have granted the privilege of fathering two children.

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:23

YOu are such a romantic Kerala1. Wink

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/06/2015 16:25

I am a homeowner in the SE. There are ways round the IHT laws. No need for me to go shopping for a white frock just yet.

BertrandRussell · 17/06/2015 16:29

"But, you know, a lot of the time I don't need to refer to him as My Anything" Agreed. Mine has a name and everything.

I think the desire to use the word husband goes along with the special "look at my ring" hand positioning some people go in for...........Grin

HoldYerWhist · 17/06/2015 16:29

I didn't say use 'life partner' are you really so focused on being offended that you're not reading people's posts?

I asked what is wrong with saying partner and that it's blatantly obvious that it's different to life partner!

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:29

kerala- do you view marriage simply as a financial convenience?

lilacblossomtime · 17/06/2015 16:32

Amazing how they cut your benefits the minute you have someone stay a bit late one evening, but when it comes to tax breaks you have to be married with 2.4 kids and a Labrador.

Sallystyle · 17/06/2015 16:36

If you regularly use "husband" or "wife" and you're not married - that is not just in shops and things where it!/ not worth the effort of correction, then it stands to reason you think being married is better than not being married. Why else would you do it?

Exactly. And it doesn't accurately describe what someone is to you unless you are actually married.

It is only an accurate description if he is actually your husband. And if you are posting about your 'husband' on FB it must be because you want people to think you are married, because in your eyes marriage is better.

On FB it is easy enough to use someone's name. I assume the woman in the OP thinks marriage is superior if she feels the need to refer to her boyfriend as 'husband' on social media. I tend to use my husband's name while talking to people who know who he is. I don't need to keep reminding people we are married, his name will do.

keeptothewhiteline · 17/06/2015 16:37

U2 and this interferes with your own life exactly how?

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/06/2015 16:37

Because then I have 2 partners. If I refer to one as my partner some people think my business partner is my dp equally sometimes dp accompanies me and if I refer to him as partner then people think he is my business partner.

Have experienced it so know it happens.

I will continue to use the term husband and I will continue to say I am a Mrs until someone can come up with a non confusing title.

motherinferior · 17/06/2015 16:39

Oh god I wouldn't be a Mrs for anything! Marriage or not.