Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

[stqueen]

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

I didn't click on this thread as the title gave the impression it would be dull. Then I saw 449 posts on it and so had to see what it was all about!
Have read them all - when I should be in bed. Fascinating stuff.

I am of the "shorthand"/ language evolves opinion. And agree that legal marriage and marriage in its wider sense are different but still both marriage.

If the hotel receptionist says "Your husband has got the key" Do I say, "Oh you mean Bob? That man who is sharing the room with me ? The father of my children - and yes we are still "together" - and yes he is putting this bill on his credit card - and yes we do live at the same address and have done for twenty years- no he is not a lodger - but no, he is not my husband in English Law - and I would hate for you to get the wrong impression" ? or do I say "Thank you" and piss off the ones with a "certificate to prove it"?

Words evolve - Husband now has a wider meaning. Just as we don't call the children of unmarried parents "bs" any more preferring to keep that word for the type of (legitimate) chap who might be the subject of a cry to LTB so husband and wife are used by thousands of people to refer to a partner. There is rarely any intention to deceive!!! It functions well as a term.

(And blu gave some brilliant examples of not saying what is true!!)

Jesus wept what have I created? This thread has generated some interesting discussions that werent the intention of my (comparatively lighthighted) OP, which was essentially about a friend referring to her DP as her hubby in general conversation / social media to friends, friends of friends etc. etc. when he isn't her husband! I in no way think I'm superior to her because I am married, nor do I think their relationship means any less because they're not.

As another poster said, I wouldn't expect my friend to go around correcting people in hotels etc. if they referred to her husband because it is would be silly to do so but to openly refer to him as hubs in general conversation to people who know a) his name & b) that they aren't married is just fucking irritating! i.e. FB posts along the lines of "Happy birthday to my amazing husband". Yes it bothers me far more than it should & yes I need a new hobby - 2 things this thread has taught me

OP - but your OP was not lighthearted- it was fully loaded and judgemental.
Even now you say you find it fucking irritating.

At least you recognise the problem is yours and not hers.

(and I speak as an unmarried woman who freely calls my OH "husband".
He will even buy me birthday cards which read " To my wife".

Marriage is so easily done and easily broken.

I was married in half an hour and divorce meant me filling in a form a small fee and the price of a stamp.

All the other entanglements of extricating from a relationship, money, property, kids, emotions often happen with or without marriage.

Blu's examples are indeed good. Lots of people claim to be "doing the Hoovering" with their Dyson. The only people who would find fault (out loud or via an inward wince) are

A) people who have a personal stake in maintaining the exclusive use of the word for their own particular use. In the case of Portakabin they have a team of people who write letters to newspapers to say "Stop it right now!" and they are doing that for understandable commercial and legal reasons. In the case of some of the people on this thread who knows?
B) people who have no skin in the game but are merely pedants (they are much more likely to keep their mouths shut and just twitch slightly)

I was asserting my claim to be queen of Group B by saying that Biro doesn't really fit because they had to give up on their claim to exclusivity many years ago - anyone who wants to fight me for that prestigious title can come and debate the current legal status of the word Sellotape

All the marrieds who are put out by non-marrieds claiming the words 'husband' and 'wife' when those words ARE NOT AND WILL NEVER BE THEIRS TO CLAIM, could perhaps consider going down this route in protest:

Massive Dummy Spit

I am a pedant but in the legal sense - just that I come across many unmarried people who have no idea of the minimal legal protections they have and live in a bubble of "common law" "love is all you need" nonsense and can face a nasty shock.

I've realised, reading through this thread, that I tend to use husband as a shorthand with older people. Maybe I automatically think that older generations are less happy with unmarried couples? Massive, ridiculous and judgemental assumption I know, but it's probably what I tend to do. Younger people my own age, I'm more likely to say partner or other half (blurgh, I don't know why I say that, I hate it)

Sometimes it's just easier. It's the same as not having a pedantic argument about surnames, in my book. If it's anything official or long-running then I'll make it clear I am not Mrs DPSurname, or Mrs DDSurname. But if it's a brief interaction and someone makes the assumption via me being DP's partner/assuming wife or DD's mum that I must share a surname with them... meh. Not worth the argument at all.

KERALA1- what business is that of yours?

I don't buy your caped crusader line- saving all these poor misinformed unfortunates.

Very passive aggressive.

Many people make bad choices, they may marry players, alcoholics, make unwise investments, accept crap jobs, buy unwise cars- are you equally concerned that everyone stays on the straight and narrow- and that it is your job as public crusader to raise awareness?

It's none of your business.

Making a mockery of those that are married

This made me giggle a little. YABU. Two children and together a long time, she probably feels silly calling her OH her boyfriend. I don't understand why this would upset you or anyone else tbh

You know what annoys me? Fucking busybodies.

Then stop fucking busybodies

Ahem actually it is my business! The people I discuss this with are paying clients paying good money to be informed what the law is in this area, cannot say more or will be zapped for advertising.

OP - I took your post to be fairly lighthearted and curious as to what others thought - not goady at all. It is interesting as we have covered the law, language, relationships, religion/faith, history and lots more! Wonderful stuff.

Thank you!

(Didn't know Biro had given up their rights to the exclusivity of the name and that Portacabin were so protective of theirs. I like learning things like that)

The op is wrong (not about the twee shit) you can be married without an official ceremony or indeed any kind of ceremony. The use of husband and wife is entirely valid whilst being in a monogamous relationship- which is a marriage.

A marriage is a connection of two things until they are separated.
ggglll was spot on when commenting on the 'opinion' of marriage.

For the op the defining factor of a marriage seems to come from the state (or god/religion/officialdom ) and those who didn't follow that route aren't married and therefore cant be allowed to use the terms of marriage.

The phd analogy is good but for a different reason. It would be better to compare someone who has a phd to someone who is self taught to the same level but without any exams.
They haven't got a phd because it's awarded to you by somebody else, they have the same abilities and knowledge as a a phd but can't have a phd.
The difference between that and marriage is that you don't need someone else to tell you you are married it's not an award.
It's patently obvious how and why the; public ceremony, religious, legal aspects and a formal tradition have come into being associated with marriage but even so those things are amendments to the act of being married.

yabu

Sorry but surely the final word should be the use of the term "hubby" by anyone married, unmarried or whatever is very very unreasonable

"I in no way think I'm superior to her because I am married, nor do I think their relationship means any less because they're not."

Oh you do, you know!

I'm in the "language evolves and that's okay" camp but I'm bewildered at the people saying husband now means something other than a male who has a marriage certificate with someone else. Are you really saying that isn't the definition people think of when someone says to them "this is my husband"?

I agree that when people hear the term 'husband' the definition which will come to the vast majority of people's minds, is that man is legally married to someone and possesses a marriage certificate. That IS the widely accepted view in society. Yes, people can choose any definition they want to I suppose and call themselves whatever they want, but it doesn't change the fact that if there is a broadly and widely accepted definition, people will be surprised when people describe themselves as that thing, without fitting the accepted definition. Personally I haven't come across more than one person who did this. I didn't find them annoying, but I did find it really peculiar. Soon after, that person did actually get married. I suspect that the majority of people who refer to their unmarried partner as their husband or wife would actually like to be married - that is,those who do it actively on things like Facebook 'happy birthday to my dear husband' rather than those who simply don't correct those who make the assumption. I understand why people don't always correct people, especially strangers - who could be bothered to explain. However this is different to actively referring to a partner as a husband or wife in my book.

Just out of interest, is it only women who do this or does anyone know any men who are not legally married who refer to their partner as their 'wife'. I suspect not.

does anyone know any men who are not legally married who refer to their partner as their 'wife'. I suspect not.

There are several examples on this thread, my DP refers to me as his 'wife'.

majority of people who refer to their unmarried partner as their husband or wife would actually like to be married

THis is simply not true.

My OH calls his wife- I also know a number of unmarried couples who call themselves husband and wife. If I am introduced to someone's wife, it doesn't cross my mind to wonder if they have that scrap of paper or not.
If that is how they choose to describe their OH, I couldn't give a damn if it's officially recognised or not.

If you regularly use "husband" or "wife" and you're not married - that is not just in shops and things where it!/ not worth the effort of correction, then it stands to reason you think being married is better than not being married. Why else would you do it?

KERALA1 - IHT is my only concern in not being married and the reason that DP and I might get married after 18 years and 2 kids together. All things being equal, I'd really rather not get married (I can't really put my finger on why but I'd be much less reticient towards the idea of a civil partnership if that were an option, which it isn't). DP feels the same. We are still very happy together and committed and I don't buy the crap that marriage would make us more so or that it's superior. I too have lots of people saying that we are as good as married in a way as if to try to reassure me (I think most people thing I'm waiting to be proposed to!) that I'm nearly there and have nearly achieved the gold standard of being a wife?!

But the IHT is an issue. We are all sorted in terms of wills but even though we own our house as joint tenants and have left our shares to each other in such wills, there would still be a transfer which would attract IHT. And we are over the IHT threashold now by a fair bit, in a way that we weren't a few years ago.

So we might do it. But if we do, I don't want a wedding. I'd be quite happy for the 2 of us to just pop down to the registry office in our lunch hour! Our families would be upset I think - but it's not that it's that we'd be making the choice between a low-key registry office do, and a big shebang - that would never be an option anyway. Maybe we'll just have our families there - but then, it starts spiralling. If we are going to do it, I'd rather just do it ourselves with no dressing up etc.

I can't see a way around the IHT issue and it is beginning to feel like we have no choice if we want to secure the family home for the remaining one of us and our kids to stay in if the other dies.

Back to the point of the thread - "hubs" and "hubby" are gross, whether married or not - bleurgh. I probably tend to say boyfriend most frequently or sometimes partner. I might have said husband once or twice eg when saying something like "my DH will be along to pick it up later" - but I don't tend to, not because I don't feel we've "earned" it - which seems to be the underlying suggestion in lots of posts here - but just because it doesn't fit either - none of the titles I used really do - I tend to just use his name!

I think we often just have quite set ideas in our minds about relationships and what marriage is, also what a husbsnd is. I have had several different friends who i assumed were married because everything about their relationship and partner mirrors exactly what we expect of a marriage and husband. If i see a couple living what constitutes a typical married life then the term husband can just be used to cover that behaviour.