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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
ElkTheory · 16/06/2015 20:07

No one is claiming anything they are not entitled to simply by calling a partner "husband" or "wife." It isn't as though there is some sort of benefit they are unfairly receiving by employing those terms. It is a personal decision to define the terms of a personal relationship this way, not some sort of underhanded attempt to deceive the world. I very much doubt that unmarried partners who refer to themselves as husband and wife would stand up in a court of law and declare they are legally married. But choosing to use these terms in everyday life hurts nobody and I can't imagine what anyone would care.

workhouse · 16/06/2015 20:16

Oh well we're tragic then, who would have thought our way of expressing our love would have caused such ill feeling. Yes I know it actually means blah blah.

TheCatsMother99 · 16/06/2015 20:33

Don't really understand why it annoys you (or makes a mockery), it's just a name or pet name & he is her common-law husband

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 20:38

You certainly sound as though you care an awful lot Hold.

Bambambini · 16/06/2015 20:44

"I think anyone pretending to be something they're not is tragic. I mean, you don't care what people think of your relationship but you'll refer to yourself as married because society (as in people who think) place a higher value on it? "

An I think that's really fucking nasty. Is that what marriage does to some folk?

bbcessex · 16/06/2015 20:58

HoldYerWhist... I don't think anyone on this thread has said that they've pretended to be married when they're not, have they?

Referring to your partner as 'husband or wife' as 'short-hand' when not at all seeking to 'present' as married isn't pretending, is it?

To my mind - it's not accurate, but that's different to trying to deceive.

HoldYerWhist · 16/06/2015 20:59

That was in response to a poster asking why it was tragic (although I didn't use the word originally).

And of course it's tragic that someone, anyone, has to pretend to be something they're not because society dictates that they should.

How that's "fucking nasty" is beyond me.

And, mitzy engaging in an online discussion means I care as much as I care about anything I discuss on here; in an academic way more than being invested.

HoldYerWhist · 16/06/2015 21:02

bbc I don't think there's any ill intent. I can't see why anyone gives a shit really.

But everyone would assume marriage upon hearing husband or wife, wouldn't they? So it is a pretence of sorts, no? But not a malicious one.

CitrineRaindropPhoenix · 16/06/2015 21:02

There's no such thing as a common law husband in England or Wales

bbcessex · 16/06/2015 21:04

It's been an interesting thread.. I've certainly posted on it far more than I intended to / is good for me!

JCLNE · 16/06/2015 21:09

I really don't think any unmarried couples calling each other 'husband' and 'wife' are actually claiming to be married. It's just social names that fall into conversation.

This, exactly.

When asked, I'd tell people that we are in a civil partnership, not married, but then I'd have to explain what that is, because most people don't know, or they'd be confused if we are gay, and if we aren't gay then what's the difference, and...and...and... Basically, if you want to know all the ins and outs of the legal and administrative aspects of our relationship, I'm not going to lie. I can bore you to tears with all the detail you want...but for a normal conversation, "husband" should suffice.

I'm going to use it more often now that I know how much it riles up the sanctimonious idiot community.

HoldYerWhist · 16/06/2015 21:15

I'm going to use it more often now that I know how much it riles up the sanctimonious idiot community

Hasn't there been only about three posters who have said it actually bothers or upsets them? Is that a community?

keeptothewhiteline · 16/06/2015 21:15

I'm going to use it more often now that I know how much it riles up the sanctimonious idiot community.

BRILLIANT!!!

CatsCantTwerk · 16/06/2015 21:17

Oooh! Cats - should we be MN sisters?

Fake Sistery along with Fake Husbands and Wives?

Why not Grin

mileend2bermondsey · 16/06/2015 21:20

keeptothewhiteline and workhouse are more pent up and upset about this than anyone else on the thread. fgs if you feelt he need to call your partner husband and refer to yourself as wife so freakin badly, just get married, jesus.

workhouse · 16/06/2015 21:22

fgs if you feelt he need to call your partner husband and refer to yourself as wife so freakin badly, just get married, jesus.

We've been around this way before.

NewFlipFlops · 16/06/2015 21:27

I only read to page 3 but was already agreeing with workhouse and keeptothewhiteline. I will call non-hubby hubby if I want - we won't get married yet and would prefer not to at all, but using the norms of address is easier than having to explain your philosophy to the world at large. I couldn't care less what anyone thinks.

bbcessex · 16/06/2015 21:28

just get married, jesus... ah.. is this the greater authority that was mentioned earlier? Grin

shell1973 · 16/06/2015 21:38

YABU.My DH and I always knew we would get married,(been together 25 yrs married for 17),so referred to each other as husband and wife but I wouldn't have been putting a status on FB to that effect. But I suppose it's whatever makes them feel comfortable and maybe they might want to get married but can't afford it or have family complications stopping them.

NewFlipFlops · 16/06/2015 21:49

Or just not want to. Evans and Elk get it.

ElkTheory · 16/06/2015 22:09

I know many people who think of and refer to their step-fathers as Dad. Fine, legally these men are step-fathers. But in every way that matters, they are fathers. Is it tragic for someone to call the man who raised her Dad and tell everyone he is her father? Of course not, no matter what the legalities may be.

I mentioned above that I know someone whose dad has no legal or biological connection to her. He isn't married to her mother so he isn't even technically her step-father. But again, he is her dad. She certainly isn't lying when she refers to him that way.

I think the situation in the OP is quite comparable. If someone wants to refer to her unmarried partner as her husband, that is entirely her choice. And more power to her.

Blu · 16/06/2015 23:01

Have you got a biro?
Must do the hoovering..
I used sellotape
She had a HoolaHoop for her birthday
He tippexed out the mark

SO many ways to upset people by claiming that something is what it is, strictly and literally, not.

BertrandRussell · 16/06/2015 23:04

Most people on this thread seem to be working on the premise that being married and being an official husband and wife is better than not being. All this -well, if you're living the life what's wrong with using the words? Or, alternatively, if you're not married you have no right to the recognition of society........and no right to use the sacred "hubby" word.

Being married isn't better. It's at the very best the same but different. In my opinion it's actually worse than being married. But as I said, that's just my opinion.

CactusAnnie · 17/06/2015 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YesThisIsMe · 17/06/2015 00:06

Biro, unlike the other examples, is a genericised trademark that can legitimately be used for any ballpoint pen, whether made by the late Mr Biro's company or not.

Like I said, I'm a world class pedant.

However even I don't twitch inwardly at people using "in-laws" to describe girlfriend's parents, because there's no unclunky alternative.

"Husband" used inaccurately I twitch but don't actually care.

"Common law husband" I definitely do care because that's a misconception that can damage people.