Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

[stqueen]

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

What would you think if I referred to a child who was living with me for 6 months whilst her parents were abroad as my 'daughter'? I could say that we are very close and I am the adult that looks after her and that she looks to. However, I am not her mother biologically nor legally. I think I Gould be wrong. I might say we are LIKE mother and daughter - fair enough. However having a relationship which is LIKE something else,mor which FEELS like something else, doesn't MAKE IT that.
Again, it isn't to denigrate the other relationship, just to recognise the FACTS of what different relationships actually are - they do have definition and are not totally fluid, for anyone in any situation to claim to be in, which is the way some people seem to moving in their arguments.

There are some people who truly believe that marriage isn't a legal state, but a feeling, to be defined however anyone likes - that it is totally fluid, a simply a term to denote a close relationship. Some people disagree with the state having a role in relationships or legalising them, so they take this view.

The majority of people don't hold this view. The majority of people who call themselves wives or husbands when they are not married, do it to show the strength of their relationship and because they feel that society places a higher value on the married state and they want their relationship to be viewed with the utmost value.

Wombat - Surely that would have to be a reciprocal thing, dependant upon the relationship between you and the child and something that would be for a much longer period than six months?

Again - not a fair comparison.

Sorry - I think I've misread your first post, Wombat
Give me a minute . . .

The FACT is that the state did not invent marriage, marriage existed long before the state, and will exist long after it, another fact is that the state has an opinion on marriage which is no more valid than anybody else's in the absence of an objective definition of marriage.

Whether the state rubber stamps your marriage is only important to some people, and not others... and that's OK, but quit with the moral authority of the state on marriage, because no such thing exists.

I simply think it is incorrect for people to refer to their husband or wife if they are unmarried. Legally they don't have one. Having a husband or wife isn't about the strength of feeling between 2 people - it is a legal thing.

I think that everyone on this thread KNOWS that by now. For some like me and my dear old DH, it's a choice. I have been keeping him up with this thread and, like me , he is totally bemused that people care.

In fact we were walking down the street just like an old married couple at lunchtime, having a giggle at how many people we must have pissed off over the last ten years or so.

they want their relationship to be viewed with the utmost value.

Untrue, in our case.

"totally bemused that people care"

I share his bemusement. Annoyance at other people's business in that way is a bit nosey parker, I now wonder who clutches their pearls when we do this.

I would say that most people do still accept the role of the state in defining marriage. Many of these people have chosen not to marry, which is fine, however most of them also recognise the legal state of marriage. They have not chosen to remain unmarried necessarily (more usually) because they think the state should not and does not define marriage, but often because it is perfectly possible today to have a respectable, long term relationship without being married. Most people do not object to the legal status of marriage given by the state, even if it is a relatively new thing. And actually, many people who are unmarried but in long term relationships haven't totally ruled out marriage - many think they might get married one day, or not.

You may be "like an old married couple" in the same way that when I go out, get drunk and dance all night I'm "like" a teenager; unfortunately it doesn't make it true for either of us.

it doesn't make it true for either of us

It is not unfortunate, and we have never claimed it was true. Jeez

gggllll - if I may say - you seem to care a great deal about this subject.

bbcessex not exactly, but I feel moved to point out that waving the absolute moral authority of the state at people and saying "you aren't married" is a bad thing.

If I held other people to my definition of marriage, which springs from a far greater authority than the British state, a lot of people here are "not married", but I would never do such a thing - what a terrible thing to do and to say to others about their marriages.

Sorry workhouse, when you said "your dear old DH" I assumed you were claiming to be married, are you not?

Working from home =etsy shop

Hells bells wrong thread

workhouse.. I really think this thread is somehow going the wrong way, and maybe insinuating that people like yourself are seeking to mislead.
Doesn't seem to me like that's the case with you at all...

The original OP was "my mate puts Facebook posts up that say "my hubby / my husband " etc... ie = not "Ian did this, Brian is hilarious etc." .. that's far removed from having a committed, 'marriage-like' relationship where other people apply married-like status to you.

For what it's worth: I think it's perfectly fine to occasionally use short-hand where the exact specific labels etc. are too labourious / complex to use, and who cares anyway.

The OP's post was about her friend 'always / often' referring to her partner as her husband, when he wasn't... which I feel is a different kettle of fish.

ok ggglll, well we'll have to agree to differ then, I can't argue with a far great authority :-)

bbcessex Yes, I know, but then it went all;

'people that call their Dp 'husband' are a bit tragic', and

'yearning for something that they haven't got', and

'trying to mislead', and it turned out that the OP also felt like that so I was trying to put the other side across.

Oh, who or what is this "far greater authority" they sound interesting; do you think they'd like to come to my BBQ at the weekend?

ggglll - the thing is, for as long as marriage has existed, there has always been requirements/ceremonies or activities which distinguish "married couples" from "non married couples".

Normally, it would involve third parties overseeing the ceremony (for lack of better word) and an agreement between families/individuals for the union to take place. The fact that these may have been social laws rather than state laws doesn't change the fact that it was, in effect, a legal event.

I used to specialise in Ancient History, and can't think of a single example of marriage being construed as two people deciding, on their own, "hey so we are married now cool". Likewise, in order for a marriage to be recognised, each couple would have to adhere to the social/legal requirements at the time. It's totally pointless saying "we are married because MARRIAGE HAS EXISTED LONGER THAN THE UK". It has as much merit as some dude giving a woman's parents a bag of money and insisting that she was now his wife.

I really don't think any unmarried couples calling each other 'husband' and 'wife' are actually claiming to be married. It's just social names that fall into conversation.

Step-parents will often refer to their step-children as 'daughter' or 'son'. They are not necessarily legally daughter or son (unless have gone through adoption process) - but it's easier in conversation and social situations to refer to them as such.

FGS a marriage is a union. A committed couple are a union. It doesn't matter what happened in the past or what rules are made up now or whatever any outsider says, a couple decide who and what they are to each other.For them, ..what YOU think is irrelevant.
You should ask yourself why it bothers you.

I don't care, I think it's an interesting discussion.

I think anyone pretending to be something they're not is tragic. I mean, you don't care what people think of your relationship but you'll refer to yourself as married because society (as in people who think) place a higher value on it?

And the whole 'marriage used to be xyz" thing is a bit redundant. Words, meanings etc evolve over time.

The word 'nice' used to mean thick as shit.