Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

[stqueen]

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

If you choose not to take up the state paperwork option so you're not legally married, it is worth making sure you have mirror wills, jointly owned property, you're beneficiaries of any pension etc.

With respect citrine- that's not your business.

Evans - I think that that situation makes perfect sense. I don't think it's necessary to go around correcting people etc. when there is no need, especially if it would cause confusion.

I just think, for example, as in the OP, if her friend says "Happy birthday to my amazing husband" and they are not married, then it's a bit strange isn't?

They clearly feel they are married if they say husband. You might disagree.

I feel much more committed to my OH of 20 years than I did to my husband while I was married.

but that's the point, ggggllll. Marriage is NOT a feeling!!!! (is it? I don't know anymore!)

How about fiancé/fiancée then? By that token, a couple/one half of the couple could refer to themselves as that.. If OP's friend was referring to her fiance, even though he had not proposed, is that accurate too?

Seems like if the State has not rubber stamped it, it isn't a marriage? Seems like too many people are controlled by the State.
All you need to protect yourself is to make Wills and sort out property etc. Of course you can just get rubber stamped from the State at a wedding.
Some people don't want State approval. They decide they want to be together for as long as they feel the love and commitment which they hope is always. No one can promise they will always feel the same, as the divorce figures prove.

Exactly Gottage- I don't need the state to validate my relationship. I am quite capable of handling my own emotional affairs.

Doesn't anyone else want to know about quietasamouse's friend who pretended to be Chinese? I very much do.

"is it? I don't know anymore!"

Well if you have an opinion on it, that is probably just as good an opinion as the state's.

The state has no supreme or objective moral authority over whether people are married or not, it just has an opinion which is no more or less valid than yours, mine, or that of some woman in the street you might ask. The consent of the people in the marriage, love, commitment, declaration before God and family and friends and community, this is stuff the state has no say in, and none of these things require permission from the government, which can put a stamp on it and adjust their laws in relation to it, that is all.

I mean, if your birth isn't registered are you not born? If your death isn't registered are you not dead?

"How about fiancé/fiancée then? By that token, a couple/one half of the couple could refer to themselves as that.. If OP's friend was referring to her fiance, even though he had not proposed, is that accurate too?"

Well thinking someone else has given consent to something they haven't is delusional. If both consider themselves engaged, however, they probably are.

Again, people are going off on tangents (apparently) feeling as if they have to justify their unwed status.

Here is a different comparison:

If you are British, and live in.....Italy but don't have a Italian passport, people would think that you were a bit of a twat if you insisted on referring to yourself as "Italian". There's nothing necessarily inherently better about being Italian, it doesn't affect social situations necessarily if you say you are Italian, but it isn't true. In order to be able to accurately refer to yourself as Italian, you would have to have become a legal naturalised citizen.

This is especially the case if - as with marriage in the vast majority of cases - there was absolutely no barrier to you being naturalised, and it was pretty piss easy to do. But you didn't do it because of some internal personal preference. Totally fair enough. But in which case, you're lying about something totally weird and pointless.

^^ yes

All you need to protect yourself is to make Wills and sort out property etc.

But that 'property etc' is much harder to sort out if you're not married. If you're not married and live in a home worth over £650K, as a huge number of people in London and the South East do, you'll be liable for IHT if your partner dies. If you don't have enough savings and can't remortgage you could easily lose your home. The act of getting married removes that risk completely.

So while I hate many of the things about marriage (the fact that it represents the intrusion of the state into your private life, the history of marriage as an institution taht allows men to dominate women, the idea that you're not a real couple until you've been married - something I've been told more than once) that's one unarguable benefit.

Yet Americans do it all the time.

"I'm Irish"
"I'm Italian"
"I'm Polish"
"I'm ......" whatever.

No you're not - your American.

Ggggllll - I have to agree with your point that:

"thinking someone else has given consent to something they haven't is delusional."

In fact I think that's the point that all of the posters with real DHs are trying to make to the ones with pretend DHs.

It's not a desperate justification. The state in the UK has, and draws on, no moral authority to decide if you are married. As well to ask Al Qaeda for permission to be married, and as well to cite Al Qaeda's registry to tell someone else they aren't married.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum

Dp and I are in exactly the same position, We have been declared H&W by our Customers

Surely the definition of being a husband or wife is that you are married - and being married is a legal thing.
Unmarried People may well have a relationship where they feel like they are married or where they are as close or closer than people who are married, but this does not make them married or husbands or wives.

I understand that many people are in long term, often lifetime relationships. Many people view such relationships as absolutely the equivalent of marriage. They might well be in terms of the feelings and commitment between those people, but they are still not the SAME as a marriage, because the legal aspect is missing. People often think the legal aspect of marriage is unnecessary or just a piece of paper etc - however, the fact remains, that a marriage has a legal aspect to it which isn't there in non- married relationships.

I don't think believing unmarried people shouldn't refer to themselves as husbands or wives is intended as a slight to them, or a criticism or belittling of their relationship at all - it is just a recognition that the state if marriage exists and not everyone has chosen to be within it.

Personally, I find it odd that people who have not chosen to marry, then refer to themselves as if they were married. I find it especially odd when people who seem strongly against getting married do it. It says to me how strong the historical ties to the institution of marriage actually are, however much society says marriage is outdated and no longer necessary or relevant. Many people have chosen not to be married (or perhaps would like to be married, but ding themselves in relationships where marriage isn't on the cards) and somehow feel that having a 'DP' or 'boyfriend' is seen as a lesser or inferior relationship. Despite the claims of society that cohabiting is the same as marriage, people still seem to feel it isn't. It could be that this is because we are really only about 40 years beyond marriage being absolutely the norm and it simply will take longer for society to truly accept this idea, or that intrinsically into the long term,people will feel there is a differnce.

I simply think it is incorrect for people to refer to their husband or wife if they are unmarried. Legally they don't have one. Having a husband or wife isn't about the strength of feeling between 2 people - it is a legal thing.

And GoodnessGraciousGouda

What if everyone's friends KNOW the couple are not married, but the use of the terms 'husband' and 'wife' are simply more convenient for everyday conversation. This is not a lie, because everyone within the friendship circle knows.

It only becomes a lie if you are trying to deceive for legal purposes . . . .

""thinking someone else has given consent to something they haven't is delusional."

In fact I think that's the point that all of the posters with real DHs are trying to make to the ones with pretend DHs."

That would be a silly point, since couples that consider themselves married, clearly consent to doing so.

Oooh! Cats - should we be MN sisters?

YANBU. He is not her husband.

I see that people cannot get their head around anyone considering their relationship a marriage without having signed a formal register.
No one is trying to justify their unwed status. There is nothing to justify. People are trying to explain that their relationship is a marriage and it doesn't matter or affect anyone else what a couple call each other.
However, other people like to get annoyed about it even though it is none of their business.
No one is taking anything away from those who felt a legal ceremony was necessary.

"being married is a legal thing."

No, it is far older than any states or laws that exist. and is usually legally recognized by states in their own interest.

Again, one can be married with or without the state's recognition thereof.

Yet Americans do it all the time.

"I'm Irish"
"I'm Italian"
"I'm Polish"
"I'm ......" whatever

No you're not - your American

I know it's probably a whole other thread, but that really irritates me!