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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
littlefrenchonion · 16/06/2015 14:35

I have a friend that does this! Her DP is 'hubby', and her animals are her 'first born' and 'second born'. She also calls her best friend her 'wifey'. I confess it irritates me too although I can't pinpoint why!

FatherReboolaConundrum · 16/06/2015 14:42

It's a bit depressing when people comtemplate getting married just so they are in a financially better position for when then they may split up!!

Is it more or less depressing to comtemplate getting married so that you are in a better financial position when one of you dies? If you own a house somewhere with stupid house values then getting married covers the IHT on your spouse's half of the house. It also doubles the IHT threshold (£650K IHT-free rather than £325K) on the second death. That may sound very mercenary but believe me you're grateful for it if it allows your mum to carry on living in her home of 30 years after your dad drops dead unexpectedly.

But the practical benefits of being married are not the issue to the OP and some others - it's about the great unwed falsely claiming a superior status/greater acheivement than they have and thus undermining the genuine status/achievment/piece of paper/brownie badge of the gloriously married.

Sallystyle · 16/06/2015 14:48

I have children from a previous marriage.

My husband calls them his children.

The difference is adoption is not on the cards. If he could be their legal father he would. He can't be their biological or legal father.

The person in the OP can have a husband. If you want a husband and all you have to do it sign a bit of paper it makes no sense not to, unless he doesn't want to marry her of course.

I do not believe for a second you have to be biologically related or have any legal rights over a child to be their parent. You raise a child and love them you are a parent. It is much more complicated when it comes to blended family situations. It doesn't compare to marriage.

If people didn't think being married was a superior choice they wouldn't call their partners something they aren't.

It is easy to have a husband, and if you call your partner your husband then I assume you want him to be your husband, so get bloody married, and if you don't respect the institution of marriage and still call your partner your husband I won't really believe you because people who don't respect something try to distance themselves from the labels involved. That is was I simply don't understand.

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 14:50

Why does it bother you so much what people call each other? I'm going to call myself Empress from now on.

Devora · 16/06/2015 14:51

Well, I don't understand it either. But I understand getting upset about it even less.

'Wifey', though? I'd do time if one of my friends tried that on.

Sausagerollers · 16/06/2015 14:57

Great post U2TheEdge, I think you've just summed up what lots of us have been saying perfectly.

workhouse · 16/06/2015 15:12

if you call your partner your husband then I assume you want him to be your husband, so get bloody married

I want my DP to be my husband, we got engaged umpteen years ago, we just haven't got round to it yet, but we will in our own time thank you. Free country and all.

In the meantime I call him my husband occasionally and he calls me wife.

workhouse · 16/06/2015 15:14

Maybe I should call him my Fiance, would that cause less distress?

CatsCantTwerk · 16/06/2015 15:16

I always call dp my Husband and he also calls me his Wife. We work together though and it is just easier to say to customers 'I'll just get my Husband' or 'I shall go ask my Wife'. We do not tell people in a social situation that we are 'married' though and if anyone asks we wouldn't lie.

keeptothewhiteline · 16/06/2015 15:17

No I call my OH my husband because other people then understand our relationship better than other words do.

I have a female partner, boyfriend sounds ridiculous as we are in our 50s- companion? Father of my children.

No I'll stick to calling him my husband.
And I don't give a toss what others think- their problem not mine.

Gottagetmoving · 16/06/2015 16:12

if you call your partner your husband then I assume you want him to be your husband, so get bloody married

SOME people consider a partnership a marriage. A ceremony in a church or a registry office just formalises it and makes it legal for the State.
A marriage is a union.
Two people joining together is a union whether they make it formal or not and they are 'married'

keeptothewhiteline · 16/06/2015 16:22

My husband and I are deeply committed to each other. We want to stay together for the rest of our lives. Our children have enhanced an deepened that bond. We have been together for 20 years. We own property, assets shared and separate, we have life insurance, private pensions where each other is a named beneficiary in case of death, and wills.
Our family and friends are aware of our deep commitment. We are treated and respected as a couple.

We are not married.

ggggllll · 16/06/2015 16:50

We have children, a home, pets together and will, God willing, never be apart until we die. God knows our hearts and we have clarified the matter with our church, we are married in His eyes.

We do not have a registered marriage and are in no hurry to do so for our own reasons, indeed we are a bit reluctant to do so.

So if the marriage document is such a big deal, apparently we are "pretending" to be married, too. Which is just bloody ridiculous.

KERALA1 · 16/06/2015 17:10

My thoughts are if you are going to do something you might as well do it properly. Hence we got married within a year of meeting.

Unromantically inheritance tax really screws you over as a couple if you are not married and thanks to Mr Cameron the benefits to being married from an IHT perspective are going to get a whole lot more substantial. Doesn't affect couples under the IHT thresholds but if you are over them not being married makes no sense, unless you have cast iron reasons not to be married i.e. you have a private income and don't want your partner to get his hands on it.

CitrineRaindropPhoenix · 16/06/2015 17:20

I don't care what people call themselves but it does become an issue when people start to think that a long term partnership is the same as being married or that common law wife etc is legally recognised.

Where the couple know this and have made arrangements accordingly (wills, jointly owned property, life insurance etc) then fine. A lot of people don't do that and get completely and utterly screwed over if the relationship breaks down. The breakdown of a marriage is pretty awful for all concerned but not as bad as being kicked out of a house you've lived in for 25 years but isn't in your name with no way of providing god your children.

HoldYerWhist · 16/06/2015 17:30

As far as I can see, the non-married people who insist on using the terms are just as ridiculous as the people who are getting irrationally upset about it!

If you're not married, you're not a wife. It really is that simple. There's something a bit sad about referring to yourself as a wife or your OH as your husband of you're not married, IMO.

I can't put my finger on why even. But I'd probably pity someone who insisted on doing this.

I can't decide that I'm black tomorrow because I 'feel' black. Look at the furore that odd ball in the states has been causing!

Sometimes things are as they are and how you feel doesn't change them.

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 17:35

People need to understand that sometimes other people do things that they themselves wouldn't do. It's not worth getting stressed out over.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 16/06/2015 17:36

I can't decide that I'm black tomorrow because I 'feel' black. Look at the furore that odd ball in the states has been causing!

That is a ridiculous comparison. The two scenarios have absolutely nothing in common.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 16/06/2015 17:42

DP and I run a service business. We have many elderly customers, most of whom prefer to call our home number as they don't like the cost of calling the mobile. They refer to me as 'Mrs DP's Surname' or "Are you DP's wife surname?" On the odd occasion in the past, I have corrected them and said that I'm Ms Evans. This just throws many of them into either confusion, disapproval, embarrassment, or a combination of all three. I now let them call me whatever they like. Collectively, DP and I have had the titles of 'wife' and 'husband' thrust upon us. We'd prefer not, but is it a problem?
Resounding No!

Numtum · 16/06/2015 17:43

Meh, I can't understand why anyone would actually care what other people refer to their partner as.

KERALA1 · 16/06/2015 17:44

I kind of agree with HoldYer though totally can't get exercised about what other people do on this. But you either are married or you aren't. You can't be a little bit pregnant or a little bit married.

If you are not married and use the terms husband and wife it wouldn't offend me but I would think it a little odd. And yes abit sad somehow.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 16/06/2015 17:48

Why sad?
If anyone in a loving relationship is happy, how can that be a sad thing?

The only aspect of this AIBU I really shudder at is the use of the terms 'hubby' 'hubs' 'wifey' etc. [vomit face]

KERALA1 · 16/06/2015 17:50

I think sad because I would assume that one of them (most likely the one using the terms?) wanted to get married but the other one didn't. Sorry but that would be my assumption.

ggggllll · 16/06/2015 17:52

The problem is that there are conflicting definitions of marriage, and some people wish to insist that the state's paperwork is the final judge of this. Other people don't feel like that. Well life is chock full of things people disagree on.

In reality, the state part of marriage was an addendum to marriage which existed long before the state/its laws and will exist long after both are gone, and the idea is supposed to be to bolster marriage with legal protections (there were other social/welfare components to govt support of marriage which have now been disaggregated). Some people are tied to the idea that David flipping Cameron and chums are in the final word on whether you are married, because you can use govt. paperwork to get legal/financial protections. Others quite clearly don't see it that way - deal.

keeptothewhiteline · 16/06/2015 17:54

You assume wrongly- why are so many here trying to impose terms and make assumptions about other people's relationships.

I am extremely happy in my relationship.
And what's more I don't give damn about what others do in their relationships.

I find it is a bit sad that there are some that feel they can dictate to us like this.

So fucking what if my OH calls me his wife?

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