Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

[stqueen]

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

*given that to some people marriage seems little more than a vile and painful memory from their childhood

This thread keeps delivering on the laughs. Wow, I had NO idea that people would consider my 'lying' when I talk about my in-laws. For the record, I don't call my dp my wife, and probably won't even when we get round to getting married. We've been together 21 years and for most of that time we were not legally allowed to get married. I'm buggered if I can see why I can't use MIL and FIL - these terms convey that I have my own relationship with them, whereas saying 'my dp's parents' could equally apply to people I had never met.

Just a thought: would these posters disapprove of my dd calling her grandparents Grandad and Granny, because she has no legal or biological connection with them? Would they call that lying, and insist she call's them, 'my mother's partner's parents'? And would it make any difference that, even when dp and I get married, the law will still not recognise dp's parents as dd's grandparents?

Marriage doesn't bother them, because they are happy and in love, if it ain't broke don't fix it!

Love won't do them much good legally if they haven't sorted anything out, or one of them is not secure financially (think sahm) and something happens to one of them or they split up.

I don't care if people are married or not but at least protect yourself legally as much as you can, if you aren't.

Nothing wrong with being an unmarried and having a family as long as you are clear and well informed about where you stand and have taken proper advice and aren't relying on "common law" nonsense to look after you should the worst happen. Because it won't.

ust a thought: would these posters disapprove of my dd calling her grandparents Grandad and Granny, because she has no legal or biological connection with them? Would they call that lying, and insist she call's them, 'my mother's partner's parents'? And would it make any difference that, even when dp and I get married, the law will still not recognise dp's parents as dd's grandparents?

Not the same thing.

Grandparent is not a legal title one can get by signing a piece of paper.

My only issue with it (and it's not really a big issue) is that people who aren't married obviously don't agree with marriage, or simply can't be bothered to get married. Therefore it is not important to them, so it is strange to use husband and wife when marriage isn't important to you.

It doesn't make sense to me when you can easily sign a piece of paper and be husband and wife.

My children can't easily sign a bit of paper that will legally make their step grandparents their biological grandparents.

I'm married. Have been for about a million years. Not bothered whether anyone unmarried calls themselves a husband or wife. Up to them. Same as my unmarried friend will refer to herself as Mrs Boyfriendssurname sometimes if she finds it easier.

If you're secure in what your marriage is and/or means, why on earth would the dynamics of someone else's relationship bother you?

has no-one mentioned kirstie allsop yet?

www.theguardian.com/money/2014/sep/20/wills-inheritance-changes-intestacy-rules

All in the above article, sorry rubbish at links

It's probably annoying because it's so totally disingenuous.

It's a bit like introducing a child as "my son" when actually they aren't biologically yours and you haven't adopted them. It's just legally and practically incorrect.

Or as someone else has pointed out, referring to someone as "my sister" when actually there are no legal or blood ties between you at all.

To be honest, if you are happy in a relationship without marriage (and lots of people are) then it's bloody weird - and contradictory - to want to use marital terms to refer to your partner.

"people who aren't married obviously don't agree with marriage, or simply can't be bothered to get married."

This is just not a safe assumption at all. Some people have unregistered religious marriages, some people are married by consent but will do a ceremony later in life when eg: their kids are through university, some people do not consider (on whatever grounds) a ceremony necessary, or the state registration to be the benchmark of legitimacy in the way that perhaps you might.

Dont know if your really being unreasonable or not, but yeh it would annoy me too! Dont know why though, i dont feel it makes a mockery of marriage...i just dont like 'hubby hubs' same as i hate the term 'babe and babes' just vomit inducing!

To be honest, if you are happy in a relationship without marriage (and lots of people are) then it's bloody weird - and contradictory - to want to use marital terms to refer to your partner.

I do agree with that. I'd never refer to DP as my husband with anyone who knows us. I'd only occasionally refer to him as that with someone who you feel you want that quick shortcut to explaining the relationship. Same as with the example of the non-adopted, non-biological son - there are circumstances where there is a child who is living with you and it is easier, with relative strangers, to quickly say "my son".

But on social media... nope.

I still call my dp my boyfriend even though we have been together nearly 8 years, live together and have a child. I just don't feel like I'm old enough to use partner yet .

I wouldn't call him my husband but I wouldn't care what anyone else does though, it's no biggie.

I do call my boyfriends mum, brother MIL/SIL/BIL sometimes when I can't be bothered to keep saying boyfriends mum etc, never occurred to me someone might be pissed off about it though!

"It's a bit like introducing a child as "my son" when actually they aren't biologically yours and you haven't adopted them. It's just legally and practically incorrect."

I don't agree. I have several people who I call aunts and uncles who are only family friends. I have referred to my BIL as my big brother on cards and possibly even on FB. My mum's mum died when she was just a baby and she was brought up by her gran who she looked on as her mother and called her Maw - really, would you have been so quick to tell her that she was just plain wrong. I don't think how you describe your relationships with people is black and white at all but often how you feel emotionally about it and don't think there is anything wrong with that.

I think it's more like saying you own a home that you actually rent. That is definitely not to say that marriage is a type of ownership, just that it's a different type of contract.

Personally I don't care if people own or rent their homes, but if they make grand claims about then being anti-mortage/anti-owning, and then describe themselves as a homeowner it seems very hypocritical (& is a lie); but no one would judge them for calling a house they rent their home.

If you want to be married, then be married.
If you don't, then don't.
When you have made your choice, be happy about it and don't concern yourself with what other people do or how they address their partner.

Neither is better or worse than the other and a name is just a name.Stop applying a 'status' to any of it.

My sister in law is my sister in law even though we are not married, whether you like it or not. In fact, I can call her my sister if I choose because no one has ever yet asked for the biological proof when I have introduced her.

If you want to be married, then be married.
If you don't, then don't.
When you have made your choice, be happy about it and don't concern yourself with what other people do or how they address their partner.

Neither is better or worse than the other and a name is just a name.Stop applying a 'status' to any of it.

Fine but if you have children and/or are financially dependent on your partner go see a solicitor and set up measures to protect yourself in the event of separation or death. Be aware that being unmarried can be significantly more risky.

I know someone whose biological father had no contact with her from the time she was a baby. Her mother later met a man and they moved in together. They never got married but he raised my friend and she calls him Dad. So would people on this thread disapprove of that? Would they say she is lying? I certainly hope not. This man has known her since she was two, took care of her, and loves her with all his heart. And she loves him. He is her dad, though he has no biological or legal connection to her.

It's a bit depressing when people comtemplate getting married just so they are in a financially better position for when then they may split up!!

*The word 'hubby' would make me want to poke her in the eye with a sharp stick, married or not.

Precisely that.*

Exactly that

I also know someone who invariably refers to her husband as her friend, e.g. "My friend and I are going to a concert tonight." They have been married for at least 30 years. I think it's quite charming actually.

That wasn't why I got married. But having gone part time after children and reduced my earning power I'm glad that my marriage will offer me greater security should the worst happen. Particularly if my husband were to die, I know I will inherit and be able to provide for our children. If he were to die intestate and unmarried the children would inherit something (which couldn't be accessed until they were 18) and we'd be up shit creek.

Don't get married if you don't want to but if you have children think hard about how to protect them.

It's a bit depressing when people comtemplate getting married just so they are in a financially better position for when then they may split up!!

What's depressing is there is no other way under UK law to make yourself financially and legally safe without getting married. You can do most of it, but it costs an arm and a leg.

Romance has got fuck all to do with it for a lot of couples.

my partner refers to me as his 'wife' at work, we are engaged but are not married. we've been together 15 years, but didn't get around to marrying before the kids and now we don't have the time or money! He just says wife rather than 'partner... er girlfriend? mother of my children? her indoors?'

I think you are being a bit over the top. I don't think us using those words is 'making a mockery' of marriage. i could just pay to go to a registry office and marry who the hell i want for not very much, I think that's more of a mockery of marriage than being in a long term committed relationship and using that word to describe them rather than 'partner' which is a bit crap sounding.

I don't call him husband, or hubby. I say partner. But it all sounds rubbish.

I have this postcard somewhere. This pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter.

Or as someone else has pointed out, referring to someone as "my sister" when actually there are no legal or blood ties between you at all.

But there is third kind of tie: the social relationship. If two single parents live together and raise their children together from infancy, are those children not entitled to call themselves siblings?

My dp is not the legal or biological parent of our elder child, despite having been the first person to have held her after birth and having mothered her throughout her life. we cannot change her legal or biological status, but she is dd's mother. Would anyone here seriously want to stop her calling my dp Mum?