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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
FatherReboolaConundrum · 16/06/2015 12:07

And I'm sorry but being married DOES show that you are more committed than a couple who is not, how can anyone think otherwise?

Of course it doesn't, what an absurd thing to say.

Thurlow · 16/06/2015 12:08

Because some people just don't want to get married? Has that thought genuinely never occurred to you?

Just like some people don't ever want to buy a house and are happy to rent. And some people don't want to have children.

Different people and all that.

mileend2bermondsey · 16/06/2015 12:08

why aren't they married
Why shoud they be? To fit in with your world view? God forbid they dont want to spend time and cash on an 'I love you' party.

CatherineU · 16/06/2015 12:09

I understand that not all marriages are happy and not all couples are fulfilled and feel secure however in general I do think that the majority of marriages must at least start off happy and for those individuals to marry in the first place does indeed snow commitment, despite what happens later down the line.

Gottagetmoving · 16/06/2015 12:10

And I'm sorry but being married DOES show that you are more committed than a couple who is not, how can anyone think otherwise?

Absolute rubbish!

I have known people who get married and who have very little commitment. I have known women who see the wedding as more important than the marriage.
I have known men who got married who were unfaithful on their stag night!

Not everyone who gets married is a decent and truly commited person.

My DP and I are totally committed to each other and have been for many years. We could walk away at any time but don't because we are committed and not because we are legally tied.
As for appearing more respectable by being married,..that is laughable.

CatherineU · 16/06/2015 12:11

No I'm not sayid that and for the record I didn't spend lots of money on an "I love you party" we went off and did it on our own, as we didn't feel the need to make an elaborate thing of it.

jabbsy · 16/06/2015 12:11

I think the really irritating issue here is actually one of social media d language used on it. Regardless of pet names, advertising ones love on social media is cringe inducingly needy and yuk. Advertising how much you love someone instead of just telling them themselves? Always find it weird... like who are you trying to convince and do you actually believe they care?

(Reminds me of cats pissing to mark their territory)

ButtonMoon88 · 16/06/2015 12:12

catherineU perhaps they don't want to get married?? Marriage to a lot of people I know doesn't really make a difference in their happy lives. I have friends who aren't religious, met their partners when at uni, moved to the city, brought a house, have a dog, now had children. Marriage doesn't bother them, because they are happy and in love, if it ain't broke don't fix it!

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 12:12

I know of two couples who split up while on honeymoon (!). They can't have been all that committed to one another.

FatherReboolaConundrum · 16/06/2015 12:13

I'm referring to a couple of individuals I know

And I can think of a couple of individuals I know who got married because they were desperate to have the status of being married and weren't too fussed about the individual they got hitched to. Does that mean that I think that everyone who gets married is a tragic conformist lacking the skills or ambition to achieve more than getting some poor bastard to stick a ring on their finger? No, because ad hominem arguments are silly.

CatherineU · 16/06/2015 12:14

I could walk away at any time also, that's the beauty of a thing called divorce!, however I don't feel the need to. IMO the majority of couples who decide not to get married is most likely because they cannot be arsed! And if you have children and feel this way then no, I do not see how they can be that committed to each other.

Sausagerollers · 16/06/2015 12:15

My main bugbear with unmarried people calling their partner husband and wife is that it's a lie, and as Nietzsche said:
"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. "

ButtonMoon88 · 16/06/2015 12:17

CatherineU that's the most ignorant and offensive thing I have read in this thread!!! . IMO the majority of couples who decide not to get married is most likely because they cannot be arsed! And if you have children and feel this way then no, I do not see how they can be that committed to each other.

How dare you question someone else true feelings just because it's not what you would chose to do.

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 12:19

Catherine you demonstrate a decided lack of imagination.

Lottapianos · 16/06/2015 12:19

'And I'm sorry but being married DOES show that you are more committed than a couple who is not, how can anyone think otherwise?'

What absolute smug nonsense. I know of at least two couples, both of whom have been married for decades, who quite openly loathe each other. I also know of couples who only got married because they fancied a party and a day pretending to be a celebrity. You might just as well say that being married shows you are deeply conservative and obsessed with how other people view you.

How committed a couple are is entirely a matter for them, and being married, or living together, or having children, or not having children, have absolutely nothing to do with it. Couples conduct their relationships on their own terms.

bbcessex · 16/06/2015 12:20

*Gottagetmoving".. you seem rather irate by this.. and as for calling all married people 'stupid'.. hmmm....

bbcessex · 16/06/2015 12:22

CatherineU... I'm not sure which world you live in.... what a very narrow statement.

jabbsy · 16/06/2015 12:24

I live with 'partner' and were having a baby, where we live we have to prove were not married in order to officially live together and get his name on the birth certificate. Everyone assumes were husband wife because we're a certain age.... at this stage and in this place i think it will probably be easier to get married considering the paperwork required not to be! I will still call him by his name rather than status though. Promise.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 16/06/2015 12:27

CatherineU - Bizarre, is all I can say to your statement.

DP and I (obv not married) have been together for 29 yrs and have two grown children.

Two yrs ago we attended a hugely expensive wedding (DP's niece). They were separated less than one year later.

Who is more committed here?

Gottagetmoving · 16/06/2015 12:27

bbcessex

I did not mean all married people are stupid, I meant making promises you may not be able to keep is stupid, and I am not 'irate' by this at all, I am amazed people can be so bothered about how unmarried couples refer to each other.
I would say though, that married people who get their knickers in a twist about an unmarried couple referring to each other as husband or wife are pretty stupid and could worry about more important things.

Sallystyle · 16/06/2015 12:28

The half sister thing doesn't hold up.

My siblings call each other siblings, and don't add the half. I would hate it if they did.

The difference is, there isn't anything they can do to become full biological siblings. If there was a ceremony that could make them into full biological siblings I am sure they would take part ;)

People who use husband and wife when they aren't married are telling the world that they are married when they aren't. If you want people to think you are married then get married. If you don't respect marriage why would you want people to think you have anything to do with institution? Using husband/wife when you aren't married makes me think that you do actually respect the institution because if you didn't you would not use the legal labels. So when people say they don't respect the institution of marriage but still call their partners 'husband' I wonder who they are trying to convince. Otherwise they wouldn't lie about their legal status.

KERALA1 · 16/06/2015 12:29

Please all the "getting married doesn't matter" people, make sure you are clear about where you stand legally and financially. Particularly with regard to inheritance whether you are married or not really matters very much.

If you are unmarried and do not have a will you are not recognised by the intestacy rules. Owning your property jointly may mitigate somewhat, but I have had unmarried clients whose partners died suddenly without a will and it has been an utter nightmare for them. Sorry lecture over am sure you all have it sorted!

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 16/06/2015 12:31

Thank you for the reminder, Kerala1 - we have a will Smile

ggggllll · 16/06/2015 12:32

"we didn't feel the need to make an elaborate thing of it."

Awesome. Did you do the divorce quietly, too?

Not doing a pre-divorce wedding at all is about the modern equivalent of this, and no surprise, given that marriage seems little more than a vile and painful memory from their childhood.

If only weddings had just been invented, then they might mean more to the young people of today. Sadly we have seen successive waves of people tarnishing the name of the institution as hard as they can since the 50s.

I think a lot of younger people might actually be (comparatively) more morally upright about the idea of staying together and raising a family, and a lot of their marriages of consent or marriages of religion might be a lot more real than those of people who think they have a reason to be snotty about a certificate.

Sallystyle · 16/06/2015 12:32

Oh I see we have moved on to unmarried couples not being as committed as married couples.

Commitment is about what is in the heart, not on paper.

Marriage was important to me, very important, but I won't kid myself that I am more committed to him than anyone else just because we have a legal documentation.