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Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:
workhouse · 16/06/2015 11:03

5madthings You all look lovely, congratulations. Pretty shoes!!

Bambambini · 16/06/2015 11:07

Congratulations 5madthings! It's nice in a way that your kids got to see it and enjoy the day!

5madthings · 16/06/2015 11:07

Thanks workhouse i love the shoes. I chose those then planned around the so dress and petticoat and the cake all matched!

Mrsjayy · 16/06/2015 11:07

5madthings love your dress Smile

FatherReboolaConundrum · 16/06/2015 11:08

Yes, great picture - love the fact your oldest is all "I'm to cool too look happy" Grin

5madthings · 16/06/2015 11:09

And thanks to you bambini yes the kids loved it, the eldest two boys got to sign as witnesses, ds3 was ring bearer and dd had her flowers. They all waked me in with my dad, that was one thing I did as well, let my dad walk me in. I couldn't not give him that moment and the kids all walked in front. The loved it :)

5madthings · 16/06/2015 11:10

Oh yes far too cool to look happy, he is 15 and in the middle of his gcses, we got married on half term week but here's busy revising every day. Only four more exams to gp now so nearly done.

Mrsjayy · 16/06/2015 11:14

Teenmadthing made me laugh you can almost hear the urgh camera

5madthings · 16/06/2015 11:18

Yep he hates having his picture taken but I do have one of him smiling. Caught him there! That was at a friends wedding a few days before ours :)

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?
ChickenLaVidaLoca · 16/06/2015 11:26

But if a couple refer to each other as partners and haven't told anyone that they got married, that would lead people to assume that they weren't married. I was wondering if the 'I don't have a problem with the unmarrieds but I don't like untruth' posters would feel the same about that.

Well, as the word 'partner' isn't restricted to unmarried couples, the problem there would be with the people doing the assuming. Not the people using one of a number of factually accurate terms to describe their status.

As for not telling people, there's no requirement to tell everyone you know about a marriage. That is in no way a necessary part of marriage. A couple who tied the knot quietly in a registry office during their lunch break with a couple of strangers as witnesses are no more or less married than a couple who had the ceremony in front of hundreds of friends and relatives. So the accurate analogy would be a married couple telling people they're not married, rather than just not saying anything at all. The problem with your question here is that you're attributing things to the word partner and the state of being married that aren't part of either.

iwouldgoouttonight · 16/06/2015 11:30

"Hubby" makes me think of an obese man in double beige with continence issues.

GrinGrinGrin

FatherReboolaConundrum · 16/06/2015 11:39

A couple who tied the knot quietly in a registry office during their lunch break with a couple of strangers as witnesses are no more or less married than a couple who had the ceremony in front of hundreds of friends and relatives.

Well no, obviously not - I don't think anyone has ever suggested that the extent to which you are married depends on the size of your guest list. But if people who had lived together for years and were always known not to be married then got married without telling anyone except their witnesses and continued to refer to each other as 'partner' to other people, they would be misleading people to a much greater extent than someone calling their partner 'hubs' when everyone knew they weren't married. And I wondered if that was as much of a problem to the OP and others.

FatherReboolaConundrum · 16/06/2015 11:44

"Hubby" makes me think of an obese man in double beige with continence issues.

Makes me think of Roy:

Gottagetmoving · 16/06/2015 11:45

I am not married. I have been with my DP for many years. I don't call him my husband and he doesn't call me his wife but other people do refer to us as husband and wife. Sometimes I correct them other times I don't because IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I refer to his family as in-laws sometimes - its easier for people to understand who I am talking about.
We never declare ourselves married on anything legal.

Why anyone would worry about what he or I call ourselves completely baffles me! Why is anyone's life so dull, they would even think about this?!!

Being married does not mean you are any more grown up or committed than a couple who are not. A formal marriage means you have legal protection and if you are religious your God has blessed you if you marry in Church.
My relationship is blessed by us and our families and by our love for each other and we are not stupid enough to make promises that one day we may find we are not able to keep.

Thurlow · 16/06/2015 11:47

Hubs

I call DP "husband" occasionally, but more with people I don't know too well. Say chatting to a random colleague, I might say "my husband does X".

I'd rather not, but boyfriend is awful 15 years, a house and a DC down the line. Sometimes I might say partner or other half. Just whatever word comes to mind at that moment.

Also say "in-laws" because it's just quicker and easier.

Just like people might say "dad" for a very long term stepdad, of "sister" for a half-sister they've lived with for birth.

Sometimes it's just a quicker and easier way of explaining a relationship in one word, rather than a convoluted sentence.

Jen1610 · 16/06/2015 11:47

I fucking hate the word hubby and even more so hubs. Just call him his bloody name. I also hate it when people that are just married refer to their partner as husband incessantly when they would of said his name previously and when I know their husband very well so it's not like they are talking to a stranger who doesn't know his name.

I only use husband when talking to someone who wouldn't know his name. For instance out for dinner if he goes to the toilet I'll say can I order xxx for my husband.

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 16/06/2015 11:48

Well no, obviously not - I don't think anyone has ever suggested that the extent to which you are married depends on the size of your guest list. But if people who had lived together for years and were always known not to be married then got married without telling anyone except their witnesses and continued to refer to each other as 'partner' to other people, they would be misleading people to a much greater extent than someone calling their partner 'hubs' when everyone knew they weren't married. And I wondered if that was as much of a problem to the OP and others.

Right. Well they wouldn't be misleading people in the slightest, because the term 'partner' also refers to a married spouse, and being married doesn't require you to tell anyone about it. Again, the appropriate comparison would be if they were to actually say they weren't married, rather than to refrain from doing things that aren't required parts of marriage.

CatherineU · 16/06/2015 11:50

I can understand why it irritates you. I have friends and Facebook friends who are officially single however are in relationships and they refer to their partners as their husbands all the time and it does my head in. Especially as some of them purposely chose not to marry and not to live together (despite having children together) for financial radians, so I think they don't have the right to use that term. And then there's the ones who use the term to somehow make themselves appear more respectable.

CatherineU · 16/06/2015 11:53

And I'm sorry but being married DOES show that you are more committed than a couple who is not, how can anyone think otherwise?

Thurlow · 16/06/2015 11:55

There's a little world out there, where people can't imagine that other people choose to live their lives differently to them. It never ceases to amaze me Grin CatherineU I'm looking at you

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 11:57

How can anyone think otherwise Catherine? Hmmmm, let me see...........maybe by the sheer amount of weak marriages that are all around us.

I would never assume a couple that have been together 20 years and are married are more committed than a couple that have been together 20 years and are unmarried. I judge a relationship by the people in it and their actions. Not by the jewellery on their left hand.

workhouse · 16/06/2015 11:57

And I'm sorry but being married DOES show that you are more committed than a couple who is not, how can anyone think otherwise?

No, i'm sorry, but having DC together was the big commitment. Being married does not prove commitment. People often get married more than once.

ChwatFeechers · 16/06/2015 12:03

And then there's the ones who use the term to somehow make themselves appear more respectable.

I wouldn't think so. It's 2015.

And I'm sorry but being married DOES show that you are more committed than a couple who is not, how can anyone think otherwise?

It doesn't.

CatherineU · 16/06/2015 12:04

Having children and getting married are both big commitments on their own yes. I'm not saying that everyone should get married, not at all but I always wonder when I hear about couples who have been together for years and years, they love together and perhaps have children, why aren't they married.

CatherineU · 16/06/2015 12:07

I'm fully aware of the year thank you but I'm referring to a couple of individuals I know. One of whom has four children by four different fathers, she has finally settled down with a man now and she refers to him as her husband all the time and it annoys me as firstly she doesn't the right to refer to him as her husband and secondly she is blatantly trying to big herself up to other people after her string of idiot boyfriends and multiple children to multiple men, but if makes her feel better.