Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

[stqueen]

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

Bbcessex
I mean that DH is useful shorthand in describing the commitment of our relationship and the legal measures we have put in place.

DP sounds like a business/same sex/slightly older than a boyfriend type relationship.

probably is an indication of your deeper wants or requirements.

That literally made me laugh out loud, nothing could be further removed from how we are together.

Occasionally we talk about going to Vegas to actually get married, but there is always something more important to do. The kids don't care, there is absolutely no 'lying' involved at all.

It is an absolute mystery to me why people care so much about this. They must be incredibly proud of their status as wife.

My DP refers to me as many, many things, one of them being 'wife'. And what better description of our family's life together is there, than a 'marriage'. I am sure many po-faced pedants are going to come up with one now, but that suits us, which is all that matters.

It wasn't trivial to me - I like accuracy!!

I must admit I do find it odd that someone would think 'husband' is the most accurate term for their partner when they don't consider themselves to be married in any sense of the term, though. If you felt that you were married in some non-legal way, religiously or otherwise, it would make sense. But not otherwise. Now I don't actually care whether anyone calls their unmarried partner their husband, boyfriend, whatever. Do what works. It's just that the word 'husband' has a specific meaning in the English language and so if you're not married to the person you're using it about, in any sense, it can't possibly be the most accurate term available to you. That's not a reflection on anyone's relationship, just on the meaning of one particular word in the English language.

What I hate is when people refer to me as dp's wife, or him as my husband. Someone even said to me once "well,you're as good as". No. I do not want a husband, or to be a wife. And I can't understand why anyone would.

I think partner sounds clinical and business like, if somebody wants to call somebody they are in a longterm relationship with their husband (never hubs) or wife then i dont see the issue it doesnt take anything away from legaly married people unmarried couples with families are not inferior.

"Using the marital terms husband and wife, when you are not married, is creating the impression that you are married, which is not true, hence youre lying."

A couple can be married without a state registration of marriage, whether the state sanctions it only really matters in terms of temporal, legal matters - the state does not dictate the happy couple's consent, whether they love one another, whether they have really promised or intend to be together for life, the state is not God and the state is not your family and friends and community.

I think it's whimsical that people think "I am married and you are not". No. What you have there is a piece of paper that says David Cameron's organization thinks it's OK for you to be married, which actually you either are or aren't, regardless of what the piece of paper says.

Hell, religiously speaking a couple can be married without even having a public wedding and that has been the case for centuries.

workhouse . I completely understand your post and completely agree with your family being the same dynamically as any family where the parents are married.

tinkly's point is one I wholly agree with, that there isn't really a suitable alternative to wife / husband that conveys the same depth of commitment.

So would the people who think this is terrible because someone is falsely representing themselves feel the same about someone who referred to their husband as their partner?

keeptotheline
Not sure why the ...

I don't fall into the group of people you're asking Father, but I'm going to answer anyway. 'Partner' doesn't refer solely to people who are in a relationship but not married to each other. A married couple are also partners. The more accurate term for the point you're making would be 'unmarried partner' I guess.

Yes, partner is ambiguous, it doesn't exclude the possibility of being married...

...although I think a lot of us might resent it if spouse started using "partner".

I have a partner already, and she is not my OH.
Things could get very complicated if I started calling my OH my partner too.

Tbf i dont know why people dont get married if they have a family a home life together but their relationship is up to them they are commited obviously but calling the father of your children and partner husband isnt a slap in the face to the marrieds

Mrsjayy but you can't expect to understand what motivates others in their relationship.

Maybe marriage is important to you , but to many it isn't - and may actually represent something negative.

Seems odd thing to do if I think about it.

It could explain why I have had grief for not wearing a rings - people continually asking if we really are married - we are - went though civil ceremony have some legal protection because of that and have a marriage certificate.

I could see people using the term as a short hand rather than fend of invasive questioning about their relationship and it's type. Still seems off to constantly reference hubby when that isn't necessary.

However- can't you just shrug your shoulders and ignore rather than dwell on it ? - it's facebook not a court of law or anything.

Fair enough I was just pondering as long as couples are content and happy in their relationships then they can do what they like

'Partner' doesn't refer solely to people who are in a relationship but not married to each other. A married couple are also partners.

But if a couple refer to each other as partners and haven't told anyone that they got married, that would lead people to assume that they weren't married. I was wondering if the 'I don't have a problem with the unmarrieds but I don't like untruth' posters would feel the same about that.

There are lots of reasons I don't want to get married.

I have been with my OH 20 years, we have children- shared and personal assets.
Marriage is not necessary for us.

I posted on this thread last night, (I'm sure it was only 4 pages then!!!) and I said that I call my partner hubby every now and then, mostly because it seems the most fitting term of endearment, boyfriend sounds teenager-ish and partner doesn't sound very loving. However having read some of the posts I have begun to change my mind, we aren't legally married, we have children and a joint morgage and have been together for 10years but that would mean little in the eyes of the law. We will marry, but life often gets in the way...having been together so long I just hate using boyfriend, that's what we used when we were 17, and we have for along way since then!!

I never wanted to get married because I don't agree with the institution of marriage and all that it stands for. I would much rather have had a civil partnership but that isn't available and doesn't look like it will be any time soon so we had a simple registry office wedding. I do like my very simple silver wedding band, dh has the same just as a symbol of our relationship but I haven't changed my name. Oddly enough with five kids, a mortgage, wills, life insurance etc being married hasn't made any difference on a practical level, not least because madthing5 got chickenpox two days after the wedding so we came home from three nights away sans kids to a poxy child it was very much back to usual!

The day itself was lovely though, everything we wanted and more, the sun shone, the kids all had a ball and it was just relaxed and perfect.

I still call dh dp at times, it will take a while to remember o guess, old habits die hard, we only got married on 28th may. I don't care what other people refer to their partners/husbands/wife's as.

Meant to say we have come along way since then...

Fair enough ChickenLaVidaLoca, I'm in Scotland and wasn't aware of the 2006 Cohabitation Act.

Yep same here button seventeen years and five kids, we have been through a lot in that time, not all good. Our wedding was a celebration of our family and all we have been.through on many ways, I agree re life getting in the way, once we did decide to do it I sorted the registry office and sent out invites, then everything else was organised literally in the last few weeks, my dress and rings arrived four days before the wedding! We chose our songs for the registry days before, it was all rather last minute but was perfect :) we didn't want a huge fancy wedding. Would much rather spend money on other stuff.