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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's a cop out when people use the 'just being honest' line to be really hurtful?

53 replies

MakeThemEatCake · 13/06/2015 21:42

Was told today at work by a colleague that I'm very overweight. It's not the first time he's said it either, or the first comment he's made about my appearance and personality. He even saw me taking my antidepressants once and said he's going to take them off me and 'destroy those evil things'...

He looked me up and down today, very concerned, then said: "Wow you really have put on A LOT of weight lately". When I told him how out of order that is to say to a person he told me he was just very worried that I'm ok and then said: "Would you rather I just don't tell you the truth then, and lie when I don't believe in lying? Wtf. I said it's not helpful to say things like that to people who already have low self esteem and that it actually comes across as very rude, but he was unapologetic and maintained that he did me a favour.

I have health issues he has no clue about, physical and mental, and besides all that, my weight (which is not that bad btw) is none of his business!

I'm too polite and 'nice' in rl to say anything to these people who comment on me (others do too in various ways), so I usually make some attempt to defend myself then end up agreeing and even thanking them! I do have very low self esteem and also am crap at confrontation and I think some people sense that in me and go in for the kill.

It just annoys me when people say the most vile, cruel things and then excuse it by adding - "I'm just being honest!"

OP posts:

lomega · 13/06/2015 21:47

Or the biblically awful "No offence but..." and then automatically, you're offended.

YANBU OP, he is a tactless bully that is trying to guilt YOU when he was called out on his thoughtless comments. Perhaps just make it clear you don't want to hear any more comments on your physical appearance, say something like "I'm here to work, not discuss my looks or weight. I appreciate you are an 'honest' rude fucker person but at the moment yes I would rather you kept those thoughts to yourself as I find them hurtful."

Or you could say something sarcastic like "And you're just so perfect and gorgeous aren't you. Would you like me to list what I think you could improve on as we're, you know, being all honest and what have you with one another?" Followed by a hard stare.

DamnBamboo · 13/06/2015 21:50

Report to HR.
It is bullying, unacceptable behaviour and you have warned him once not to behave this way and as such continued behaviour of this nature is harassment.

What a fucking dick.

Fluffyears · 13/06/2015 21:50

Oh the fucking 'I'm honest me, I tell it like it is!' No you'rs fucking rude, why not keep your opinions to yourself instead

Hoppinggreen · 13/06/2015 21:54

There are a lot of things I could say to people all the time that would be true but I don't because I am a decent human being who does not try and use the " honesty" excuse for being a total twat.
This man is a bullying dickhead and as such should be reported to HR

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 13/06/2015 21:57

Yep, the classic "No offence", plus my favourite - "I'm not being funny but".....followed by the most offensive things you can possibly say to a person!!!

Yes, he doesn't like being called out on his comments, I challenged him actually on the antidepressant one and he didn't like that at all and didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. (Fine with me).

There are PLENTY of things that need addressing about him, both outward and inward but I am just not like that and have too much bloody compassion for people that I couldn't stand there and pick them apart, although it would be brilliant to do with this guy! Maybe what you suggested about saying that he's so perfect etc would be enough to make him back off, will try.

Ironically, after he said it I was suddenly hungry (I comfort eat when anxious/upset) so went and bought a doughnut from Greggs and ate it while he just kind of looked at me, stunned. Was pretty funny actually after what he'd said :)

OP posts:

madcapped · 13/06/2015 22:03

God can you add "it's just banter" to the the things that only utter twats say.

OP definitely have a chat with hr about cuntface mctwatwaffle.

andyourlittledogtoo · 13/06/2015 22:15

What a massive cockhead !!!!!! YANBU OP!!!!!!!!!!

Your weight is no-one's business but yours, incomprehensibly and unacceptably rude of this idiot. I second the other poster who suggested speaking to hr or a manager. Besides marking him out as a total self-rightious, arrogant, unbearable prick, it's also completely unprofessional and unacceptable in a workplace environment. Livid on your behalf. What a cunt!

chippednailvarnish · 13/06/2015 22:17

My personal favourite is "I'm not being racist, but..."

Report him.

chinam · 13/06/2015 22:20

Please report that man to HR. He has no right to speak to you like that.

andyourlittledogtoo · 13/06/2015 22:23

Love lomega's suggested retort!! "Great, since we're being honest... "

andyourlittledogtoo · 13/06/2015 22:30

And also have to agree OP, the "I'm just honest me, that's the difference " line is BS. Especially implying that they are articulating what others are not 'honest' enough to say. You're not 'just honest ' you're a twat, you're rude and have a head full of mean thoughts. Don't try and spin it out as being some noble truthsayer.

crustsaway · 13/06/2015 22:32

"Honestly" go and report him. Total arsehole.

Spog · 13/06/2015 22:35

This is a matter for HR.
document everything with times, witnesses and dates where you can.
you have a right to dignity at work, as laid down by EU law.
He's really out of line and he should get a written warning at the very least.

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 13/06/2015 22:44

madcapped: "cuntface mctwatwaffle" amazing!

Unfortunately there is no HR, it's not the greatest job, obviously can't say too much detail but it's in a shop owned by a friend of mine, a guy I've known for years and theres only a few of us there. I only do a couple of days a week and am looking for something else related to what I want to do.
My friend, the boss, heard all of the comments and knows what he's like but he is hopeless with disciplining his staff and won't say anything. The 'honest' employee is also rude to the boss and has given him 'helpful' advice and wisdom too, which I have heard and tried to tell him is out of order. I need to try harder I think.

Glad people can see where I'm coming from, am now drinking wine tonight as I feel shit anyway for other reasons but it did affect me what he said as I do feel I've let myself go lately.

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 13/06/2015 22:47

HR straight away and re anti depressants too. How dare he comment on your life and issues?!

SuperFlyHigh · 13/06/2015 22:49

Just seen your update. Ok how long have you worked there? I had a similar sort of scenario (bad manager and interfering colleague).

I'd be tempted just to say to colleague to butt out (politely). You could always look for another job too.

SilverBirch2015 · 13/06/2015 22:57

Next time response should be "whilst, we're are on the topic of giving honest feedback, I hope you don't take offence, but your social skills are quite awful, if you don't do something about them you'll find yourself in pretty serious trouble one day and certainly with work colleagues unwilling to work with you".

Flashbangandgone · 13/06/2015 23:04

Can't believe your boss heard it but wouldn't take issue with him - What a spineless pathetic excuse of a person! As for the individual himself- what an odious pile of rat's vomit. So sorry you're working in such a place. I think you should get out as soon as you can.

Loafline · 13/06/2015 23:08

Yanbu - none of his business!

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 13/06/2015 23:31

My boss won't take issue with lots of things that happen there, to say the place is unprofessional would be a vast understatement. I work there because my partner won't work (another story) and I want my ds to see at least one of us working and setting a good example, so I put up with it and keep my mind off the hundreds of reasons there are not to go back there.

I had my own business before I worked here but had to stop due to mental health reasons, I am still upset about that to this day and feel like a failure most days tbh! I was also doing a fantastic degree and quit that too as I couldn't cope with it, I think certain people pick up on my feelings of failure, like this colleague and take it as an opportunity to 'educate' me on all that is wrong with me and my life.

OP posts:

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 13/06/2015 23:41

Just stick him back in his place:

"You're just a colleague. I don't mind my friends and family giving their honest opinions, but my health is none of your business."

Fatmomma99 · 13/06/2015 23:48

and love to you MakeThemEat.

How about "please do tell me how to be as perfect as you" (hard stare)

or what SilverBirch2015 said. Or Gilbert

Challenge the bullies - they usually crumble!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/06/2015 23:49

What a total wanker, good on you for answering back. Hate the just being honest, no offence but.... Just do yoursel and everybody a favour and keep your blooming mouth shut. Nobody asked for your opinion.

Original poster

MakeThemEatCake · 14/06/2015 00:11

Thank you Fatmomma x

All of you have given me strength! I will definitely take a different approach when dealing with this particular person in future, I read a thread on here earlier about how a lot of the threads on here seem made up lately, if I told you some of the things he says when I am in the shop you would probably think it was untrue and I was exaggerating, but sadly I'm not, you couldn't make it up the stuff he comes out with!

I just don't know what it is about me that compels people to suddenly have this brutal 'honesty', it has happened a few times and it shocks me. Some things are words that I wouldn't even dream of saying out loud to people!

OP posts:

SilverBirch2015 · 14/06/2015 00:21

I do think people who have a tendency to bully have a sixth sense about picking up when someone is vulnerable. Several years ago I had a period when I suffered from severe depression. The things some people said (not even knowing I had MH probs) still shock me, they somehow know you can't strike back very effectively.

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