To think it's a cop out when people use the 'just being honest' line to be really hurtful?

[MakeThemEatCake]

Was told today at work by a colleague that I'm very overweight. It's not the first time he's said it either, or the first comment he's made about my appearance and personality. He even saw me taking my antidepressants once and said he's going to take them off me and 'destroy those evil things'...

He looked me up and down today, very concerned, then said: "Wow you really have put on A LOT of weight lately". When I told him how out of order that is to say to a person he told me he was just very worried that I'm ok and then said: "Would you rather I just don't tell you the truth then, and lie when I don't believe in lying? Wtf. I said it's not helpful to say things like that to people who already have low self esteem and that it actually comes across as very rude, but he was unapologetic and maintained that he did me a favour.

I have health issues he has no clue about, physical and mental, and besides all that, my weight (which is not that bad btw) is none of his business!

I'm too polite and 'nice' in rl to say anything to these people who comment on me (others do too in various ways), so I usually make some attempt to defend myself then end up agreeing and even thanking them! I do have very low self esteem and also am crap at confrontation and I think some people sense that in me and go in for the kill.

It just annoys me when people say the most vile, cruel things and then excuse it by adding - "I'm just being honest!"

Very true SilverBirch, people can pick up on vulnerability and kind people will leave it there, but bullies and general idiots will use this as an opportunity to project/humiliate/joke at the expense of the person.

Sorry to hear about your depression, I know how horrendous it is.

Thanks, now almost completely recovered for several years. It has made me a much stronger person and given me a perspective on life (& people) that is very useful in so many ways I don't regret having gone through the experience.

It just makes me mad when I hear about the OP's experience with such a twat at work, I can vividly remember how other people's cruelty could really set you back. They just don't seem to behave this way when you are feeling strong enough to deal with it.

Why do people say this as if being 'honest' or 'lying' are the only two options available to them?? If you had asked him exactly what he thought of your appearance and weight then, yes, those would pretty much be his options. But when it's completely unsolicited the options are to say something or keep your stupid fucking mouth shut!!

Hiding behind the whole 'honesty' mask in order to be a wanker pisses me off so much. Nobody forced him to say anything at all.

Glad to hear that SilverBirch :) It really does give you a new perspective going through the sheer hell that is depression, I am going through it every day, but some days are slightly 'better' and that lulls me into security, then another day it is dark again and feels so much worse

Yes LadyNym he acted as if I had specifically asked him about the exact condition of my body, right now and looked offended that I was put out by it! He will one day say something to someone who bites quite a bit more than me, and it could well be one of our customers as he's quite brazen with them too - quite looking forward to that day actually

With me the good days became more frequent, and although the bad days were still bad, you can begin to learn ways and methods to get through them. However I can remember how hard it was on the the difficult days to believe it would pass, as it was hard to recall that it wasn't always as bad as this.

you will get there and feel better. Twat colleague will always be a twat!

Very true! He has no self awareness and I take solace in the fact that yes, I may be self conscious, but at least I don't go around insulting people with my 'honest' observations.

I'm glad for you that those good days became more frequent -

back to you.

He sounds like a horrible person, I bet people hate being around him and his 'honest' opinions.

Could you practise saying 'when I want your opinion I'll ask for it' in a confident voice? Is there are friend who will practise with you so when he comes back with 'I was just saying..........' you can rehearse saying 'just don't' or similar.

You shouldn't have to put up with that and if you can practise shutting him down when he starts up hopefully that will help. Alternatively you could consider giving some honest options right back. Ask him if he is worried that people dislike him because he is so rude and tactless!

These people do try and seek out vulnerability, they don't spout their 'honest' crap at someone who seems like they might argue back. He doesn't care about your weight, it is just an easy target nasty comment to say to any woman. This type of person feels better about themselves by putting other people down.

I assume he must have low self esteem and be secretly quite unhappy. Happy people don't need to tear other people down to feel good.

I also love that you went and got a donut after he said it, although you didn't mean it that way it is a great way to say fuck your opinion, this is how little I think of it.

Please print this out for him :)

He sounds a peach to work with. I am sorry you drew the short straw and got lumbered with Mr "Every word that drops from my lips is a pearl of wisdom" as a colleague.

Next time he launches into one of his unasked for pieces of rudeness, hold up one hand and say,"Wait!" Tilt your head to one side and ask,"Do you hear that annoying buzzing noise?"
Then if he starts up again or says,"What? Where?" etc say, "There it is again!"

Or just cut across him, "Excuse me {whatever his name is} I hear my phone ringing" and just turn your heel on him.

Yawning works too. However fake doesn't matter. He ceased to deserve consideration when he began making oafish comments.

It saves time trying to defend yourself or think up counter arguments. We are so conditioned to be polite, why must we stay put and hear rude people out?

"I tell it like it is. I'm a straight talker. You know where you stand with me" is usually code for "I'm rude & tactless." Also, if you do stand up for yourself, then you may find the person becomes very upset & pretends they never intended to hurt you - it's totally manipulative & they're trying to make YOU feel bad for pulling them up on it

How about "It's all right thanks, if I want medical advice I'll speak to my GP" ie your response is polite, dismissive, appropriate & puts him in his place. Don't stoop to his level, in case he accuses you of harassing him

Clever retorts are not easy when you feel vulnerable & have to see people every day.

I agree with PP that this is bullying behaviour.

When he says "Would you rather I just don't tell you the truth then, and lie when I don't believe in lying?", I suppose you could say something like, " I don't believe in lying either, and I have to tell you honestly that your comments about my appearance are ignorant, offensive, and inappropriate in the workplace."

Although actually ignoring bad behaviour, as if he were a two year-old, might be more effective. He wants a response from you; don't play his game. You've told him already, and he knows his comments are unwelcome. Just turn your back on him without replying, and do something else.

What a nobber! Next time you could just simply reply 'wow, imagine if I cared about your opinion!'

I have a cousin like this - always 'just telling it how it is' - err no, you're a pure bitch love who tantrums if you get any 'honesty' back. I find people like this are the most two-faced shitty arses walking - bite back OP!

Would you rather I just don't tell you the truth then - well, actually, YES. If I want your opinion, I will ask.

It sounds like, given the shop owners inability to interfere, this idiot is setting himself up as your practice dummy for the assertiveness you know you lack.

Really, do try out some of the many suggestions given here. He isnt likely to go whinging to the boss, or get any more satisfaction than you did. Just to be on the safe side, you might go to your bosss first, remind him of your earlier complaint and his lack of reaction, and let him know you dont intend to suffer this fool politely any more. And then, go for it! Practice the cool responses, the sharp responses, the smart arse responses. Make it your goal to dumbfound him. It will do you a world of good, short and long term, I think.

My favourite answer to the fat comments is

"The problem is I have a brain the size of a small planet. There's not enough room in my skull to house it so the extra has to go somewhere " While gesturing at the spare tyres.

I think most of what I would suggest has already being mentioned, but just to add, I notice that type of person seems to think they have a monopoly on that kind of thing, and would be ever so hurt, if someone turned their 'honesty' back on them.
I'd try the yawning, bored, avoidance, not really listening approach, and if that doesn't work, prepare a response along the lines of 'while we are on the subject of honesty, you are an asehle'... (Or something marginally politer, such as 'you aren't exactly movie star material yourself love').
I would bet you would be met with a hurt puppy dog look.

He is totally out of order, and getting away with it if the boss won't even tell him where to get off, when he knows what he is like.

Wow all of those comebacks are amazing!!! I love that picture yoshipoppet

slug that made me laugh and is DEFINITELY one that I'll try. I had to work with him today, all day, the boss was out so it was just me and him. It was hard work, but I actually felt better primed to respond if he did say anything about my weight. There was a moment when I was eating a salted caramel shortbread, and he was looking over at me. He went really quiet and then did that weird looking me up and down thing again - I almost willed him to say it, as I think I'd have actually let him have it (my anger, not the shortbread!) He didn't though, maybe because he knew I was feeling more irritated and pissed off confident today!

Thank you, reading these has already made me more assertive

There is a special circle in hell for people who say "Just being honest" or "I'm just saying" or "It's just my opinion". They're the new "I'm not racist but".

Absolutely report this person to your line manager and HR. This behaviour is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE in the workplace let alone anywhere else. Perhaps if a best friend put the honest truth about how they saw things out there in a blunt manner I'd maybe listen but it's clear this person hasn't got that intention. It's frankly none of their business and they are just being plain out of order making these horrid comments more than once.

Seriously fuck them, they need to learn a lesson......said lesson being to shut their fucking mouths. Kudos for having the restraint not not make them swallow their teeth.

coffeeslave he does also say "I'm not racist but"... and then some of the most racist things I've ever heard. When I tell him that is outrageous he will laugh and say "For god's sake, it's a joke!"
He is so going to say it to the wrong person, at any moment now!!!

DarthVadersTailor if I could I would, but sadly this place goes no higher than a friend of mine who owns the shop, and he is also treated appallingly by Mr Honest. We both talk about it, and I ask why he doesn't sack him but he won't and just tells me to ignore him

This is one of the many reasons I'm looking for another job!

I do think people who have a tendency to bully have a sixth sense about picking up when someone is vulnerable.

Very true IME.

My MIL did this one for years - or rude comment followed by oh you have to take me as you find me.

You could try - well politeness costs nothing you know or
while we are on the subject of honest do you know your rudeness is very off putting

Try practicing on your own - in your head on when by yourself. Helps it fall from your tongue when you need it. Or Just give them a look and walk away with no response.

And does your employer know this OP? That you are looking to leave because this horrible employee treats you this way and they aren't seemingly taking your concerns seriously? I'd point out to them that this behaviour is bullying, it simply cannot be tolerated!!! Surely they have some form of grievance procedure? I don't know if a union or some other body might be able to help/advise you about this, perhaps someone on here with more knowledge might suggest something?

Hugs OP. This is a hard situation and I feel for you. But I'd seriously advise you not to let this go quietly and let this person get away with this shit.

"You have to take me as you find me", yes that's another one people hide behind! I honestly don't understand the urge people have to spill their every offensive thought as though it just NEEDS to be said. As a PP said I think it must be down to insecurity ultimately, but then I am insecure and would never in a million years be rude to someone like that!

I will practice. I have never been assertive towards myself, as too worried about offending people and causing an atmosphere so I rarely say something if someone 'tells it like it is' to me. I'm more likely to say something if I witness it being done to other people, and have done before (not just here but throughout life as I can't stand seeing people bullied).

Thanks Darth, it is not a nice situation. Yes my employer knows, none of the people that work there are that nice and I've told him a few times that I want a different job, but I tell him its because I want something more relevant to what I've studied (which is true), but it's also because I don't really like most of the people there, I don't go on at him about this as he knows it himself but doesn't have the balls to say anything to them.

I think you should fight fire with fire. The very next the time the two of you are working together

My first thought was, "does he fancy you?"

Could this be the "grown up" (I use the term very loosely) version of a little boy pulling a girl's pigtails to get her attention?

Not that it would make him any less of a cunt, but he seems rather invested in you, OP.