I can't believe the weird situation we are in with my inlaws. We are not speaking to them and I'm not sure if our relationship with them is even salvageable. They say they are loving Christians (so are we) but their behaviour is anything but. Forgive me if I ramble, or "drip feed" or get muddled, I'm not sure where to begin.
For background, my sil (married to my husband's brother) has made little digs at me since I married dh. One example is when she told me the inlaws didn't approve of dh marrying me because I hadn't finished my degree, chuckling as she said this as if disguising her dig with humour. I truly was not offended by this at the time and ignored her remarks thinking we'd get to know each other and all would be well.
Sil had two miscarriages, both of them happened very early in the pregnancies, and my dh and I supported her during that time. When I got pregnant later on, my dh and I were very careful to share the news with sil and bil, and mil, quietly and with sensitivity, without any air of celebration or anything like that. We had hoped for a child ourselves for a very long time and finally got pregnant after nine years of marriage.
A few months into my pregnancy, my sil called me to say she wished something would happen to my baby, saying it matter of factly. She killed my joy. I can't express how much her saying that hurt me to the core. She said she resented my nickname; sil is a Disney fan and while my nickname is the same as a Disney princess, it has nothing to do with Disney or princesses, it is something my brothers have always called me since I was little and everyone at work calls me, including dh. Sil said she considered herself ***, the Disney princess, even fixing her hair to look like her, and that I was to be relegated to another (lesser) princess, ArielI know! it's nuts!!it was like she wanted to set me straight that the name belonged to her and it didn't matter that I'd had the name since I was four or five years old. She also said my dh would do anything for me even stand on his head...she said it accusingly and I could not understand why she said it that way, I wouldn't have thought she would be jealous of my relationship with dh, it seemed to me that her husband was devoted to her as well. I let her rail at me because I felt her miscarriages in the past had a bearing on her behaviour. Unknown to me at the time, she knew when she rang me that she was pregnant too, as I was, and her child was born three months after our child. I went to the hospital to support her when her daughter was born. She did not come to see our son until months afterward, but again, I knew she had difficult feelings to deal with and hoped she would soften toward me.
Things improved somewhat over the years, she became friendly even, to the point that I allowed her to be ds's music teacher. My husband and I thought she would develop a bond with our son and that it would foster in her genuine good will toward him. To add, because I think it is relevant, dh's family are singers and/or can play instruments, dh is a trained singer and is very good.
As ds got close to his solo recital for completion of the first level of the program he was taking under sil, sil began making insinuations, saying she loved how different her students were, using ds as an example of "trying hard" while her other students were musical and had natural gifts. Her dd was also taking lessons at the time too and I think sil is a competitive person and she resented our ds doing well. I kept most of her remarks to myself, I am a private person generally, and I did not want to cause trouble within dh's family. Dh and I had had conversations over the years about our strained relationship with sil, but I see now how much I kept to myself because I wanted so badly to keep the peace.
Two weeks before ds's recital, my mil came over while dh was at work and told me that at one of the family dinners when dh's uncle asked ds to perform she said "I knew I had to stop that because it would be a bad idea. Now if he had asked (the other gc--sil's dd), that would have been great," and she chuckled, just like sil when she's making an insult but doesn't want to get called on it. I didn't know what to say. I managed to say something like I didn't kids being put into categories, I probably was not very coherent, but she could surely tell I was surprised and hurt, and she made no effort to clarify.
The recital went well, ds played everything from memory and musically, he also played a piece on the violin as a duet with his best friend who plays the cello (ds asked to take violin lessons a few months before the recital so we let him add that instrument and he enjoys it), and he sang a song with his dad. His friends and our family were there. The uncle on dh's side of the family who is supportive of ds wasn't there because he is at a facility and mil acted strangely and said she wasn't bringing him, as if she didn't want him there.
A couple of weeks after that we had another family dinner at mil's. Sil insinuated again, very brazenly this time, that poor little ds didn't have any talent in music, and too bad that he had failed the program he was in! The same program he had just completed his recital in!?! I suddenly had had enough. I asked her to clarify what she was saying, and she put her hand on mine, shook her head, and repeated that ds had no talent, none, as in 0%. We were still at the table, everyone else had gone into the living room, and my ds and her dd were running around the house playing. He could have overheard what she saying, so I asked to have a private conversation with her upstairs, in mil's bedroom. She started saying all sorts of things about ds, one of which was that her colleagues would refuse to teach somebody like ds and that she was the only person who would even give him lessons...I couldn't believe she could be so malicious. She said many many things about how untalented ds was, it was sad. A few times her dd burst in from playing and looked at sil and nodded her head and made the ok sign and said approvingly, "I know what you're talking about, mom."
I went downstairs and sat next to dh on the sofa and told him what sil said. He said, wow. Bil and sil followed me in there and bil said sil was just being honest and that they just want the best for our ds. Bil said that just because ds can play pieces musically (at his recital) it doesn't mean he is musical. He said I needed to lower my expectations for ds. Bil said to me, are your expectations way up here (he put his hand up in the air) or are they down here (his hand down very low, below his knee (!!)) where they should be and where ds is?
My ds also drew the artwork for the cover of the recital program. He is pretty good at drawing, music and art are his two things, I would say. His art teacher wrote "masters class skills" on his report card. I say this because bil then said, it's like being able to draw but not being artistic.
So bil was able to double insult my son with that one statement.
My dh and I were speechless. Sil said again that she was just being honest, that I had "asked" for it (I did not).
I said to sil, you know, when I was pregnant and you told me you wished something would happen to our baby, that hurt me.
Sil patted my arm and said, I was just being open with you.
Dh told her she was no longer ds's teacher. Sil had the nerve to turn to me, as if appealing to me, and said, don't you think I should still teach ds? and I said, after what you've said about ds? and she looked at me as if she was confused, like, what did I do?
Meanwhile, mil was hiding out in the kitchen.
We collected ds and went home.
Over the next several days, we got texts and calls from bil and sil acting like nothing had happened beyond "setting us straight" which was right and proper in their eyes. Mil left a message on my phone saying, it's in the Lord's hands, and that she was praying for us.
After about a month of this garbage, Dh wrote a letter to bil, sil, and mil explaining that what sil and bil said about ds was hurtful and not true, basically putting it clearly how he and I felt about what they said. I wrote a letter to mil telling her exactly what was said and asking her what she thought about ds.
(To add again for context, ds is not mozart, but he is definitely not 100% devoid of any talent whatsoever like sil and bil are arguing. He sings in the choir at his school, his violin teacher thought he should audition for our city's symphony youth orchestra which he did and he got in the first violin section in the middle of the section. His violin teacher came to see ds sing in a play where he was chosen to sing the lead part and says what sil said about ds is not true and that sil's claim that her colleagues would refuse to teach ds is absolutely outrageous. It is not like they were giving us helpful advice, which would have been fine. They made these malicious statements, blanket statements labeling ds. He was eight years old and doing very well.This is not even about music really, they are using that because they feel ds is encroaching on their territory or something.)
Bil began barraging dh with texts, emails, letters, and voicemails insisting that he and sil are right and we are wrong, insisting we agree and accept what they're saying, and that we are terrible people. It is unbelievable the abusive things bil has said in these voicemails and emails, etc. He always adds at the end that he continues to pray for us (that we will accept the "unfortunate truth" about our son?) Dh has not responded to any of these messages, because he sent that letter at the beginning which bil completely ignored and denied. It doesn't seem possible to even talk to them at all, it wouldn't do any good. If I had insulted someone's child, I would apologize. Dh and I would never, ever say to any child (or adult for that matter) the things they said about our ds.
My mil responded to my letter with a short, cold, and cruel statement, "It was painful to read how wounded you are. I have no words to utter to take away your pain. I pray that God cares for you."
I never would have believed the level of malice or whatever it is driving them to do this.
Sorry this is so terribly long. There is more, but I'm tired, will post rest later. basically we have tried to ignore them.