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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not wanting my 5yr old to go on school trip

151 replies

mumtoaninja · 11/06/2015 14:20

DS (2nd child so not a case of pfb) has not long turned 5 and is in reception.
School do a seaside trip (80 miles away) every 3 yrs with all EYFS & KS1 classes, about 90 kids in total.
When DD went on this trip 3yrs ago, I was on edge all day, watching the clock and waiting for her safe return. I suffer with anxiety which is much worse now than it was then so I know I will be a nervous wreck for the entire day DS is away...I already am just thinking about it!
AIBU to not sign the consent form and just keep him home that day? Going with the school as a volunteer isn't an option as they no longer have parents accompanying on trips.

OP posts:
ItsTricky · 11/06/2015 14:56

80 miles is a long way for a day trip. They will spend most of the day on the coach? Confused

BarbarianMum · 11/06/2015 14:57

Having helpers that have come along predominently to look after their own child aren't helpful though Slippersmum - unless the child has a particular need for 1:1 care.

If OP did go she'd be given a group of children to look after that would not include her ds. And she wouldn't be able to look after them properly if she was always checking to see that her child was alright.

Soduthen116 · 11/06/2015 14:58

cats my point to the op was she does not need to let her 5 year old go on a school trip as they are fairly daft at that age.

My other point was despite my dds injuries in a school trip I had to still let her go away again because she's that age and I can't hold her back because of my anxieties.

That's why I told the op to get some help as she can't keep this up going forward.

morelikeguidelines · 11/06/2015 14:59

Yabu.

Your child should not miss out on a perfectly reasonable school trip because you have anxiety.

This will be a lovely opportunity for your child, supervised by competent school staff.

Get some medical help for your anxiety and please, please don't let it hold your children back in life.

Soduthen116 · 11/06/2015 15:00

80 miles is just stupid for a 5 year old without parents.

I was a TA in reception and the trips involved the 5 year olds being sick, crying and sleeping. Go to the local park or zoo by all means but commen sense please.

Soduthen116 · 11/06/2015 15:04

twinkie fair point but the general consensus here is the op is totally wrong.

Personally I think school trips should be reasonable. 80 miles for a 5 year old isn't.

People are suggesting the op will he stopping her child from future trips because of her anxiety over this trip. I think that's unfair.

WorraLiberty · 11/06/2015 15:04

cats my point to the op was she does not need to let her 5 year old go on a school trip as they are fairly daft at that age.

Fairly daft??

There are tons of children who have only ever seen the seaside on television. There is nothing 'daft' about taking them to experience it in real life.

With regards to 'need', well we don't 'need' to let our children do anything fun do we?

TwinkieTwinkle · 11/06/2015 15:06

It sounds like your opinion is influenced by a bad experience sodu. My sons school do trips like this yearly for younger kids and have had no issues whatsoever, so I really wouldn't call it stupid. Your comments are not going to help the op's anxiety in any way, perhaps not the brightest thing to say?

Fleecyleesy · 11/06/2015 15:07

I can understand your anxiety. 90 kids is a massive trip, especially as they are so small. Actually I would say that someone who sends a just turned 5yo off on a trip like this 80 miles away to the seaside without a second though is too blasé.

I would certainly have a talk to the 5yo about the importance of staying with a group/teacher and other safety precautions like listening carefully to the staff.

I think you should let him go but why don't you write here exactly what aspect you are afraid of and you could also ask the school which member of staff will be with his group and tell them you are anxious.

Generally people do worry about things but try to find a way to rationalise things/deal with the specific worries.

TwinkieTwinkle · 11/06/2015 15:08

sodu but the op is wrong. The reasoning behind that are the issue though. Her anxiety is something that she needs to deal with before it starts to massively impact on her and her ds.

loveareadingthanks · 11/06/2015 15:10

I was at a small quiet beach last summer and a very large school group of what must have been reception age children turned up. At first I thought 'oh fuck' to be honest. But it was really lovely to watch them. They were adorable. It was obvious that most of them had never been to a beach. They were really funny about the sand - could hardly walk on it at first, and were wobbling around all over the place. a couple of kids were freaked out by it and had to be carried on by the teachers. They all quickly got the hang of it. I'm not sure if your child has been to a sandy beach or not but I felt so terrible that this was these children's first experience of it, that's really sad. That's a real disadvantaged life. It was lovely to see how astonished and delighted they were when they got used to it. It gave the whole trip such an atmosphere of amazement and exploration for ALL the children, even those who were used to the environment. They all enjoyed dipping a cautious toe into the sea as well.

The teachers set up a big gazebo thing for shade and they put down some mats. All the kids had hats on and little packs with water in. They were supervised in small groups and extremely well supervised all day. They were taken to the loo in small groups (2 adults). They were not allowed to get too hot and were sat down to have a little drink and rest regularly.

Apart from that they played, they dug holes, they did some beach cricket, they did a treasure hunt, they sat around having a sing-song, they ate their picnic, they collected shells and stones and seaweed to look at. they were safe and had a fantastic day. I'm sure they learned a lot as well as having fun.

Don't let your anxieties turn into your child's prison. I had an anxious mother who would stop me doing things everyone else was doing. Perfectly sensible things. Through emotional blackmail (she didn't see it that way, I love my Mum, she was great in most ways just depressed and anxious when I was little and it DID have an effect on me. I resented it). Your child knows everyone else is going. Your child will hear all the stories about it afterwards. Are you going to get your child to lie to the school and say they hadn't come because they were ill? I had that and believe me, I in my 5 year old way hated my mother for that. Are you going to say to your child, well ok those other children are allowed and the school has organised it, but it makes Mum too unhappy for you to go and won't we have MUCH more fun here just the two of us together having a lovely day. I had that. No, I didn't have MUCH more fun at home with Mum, I knew it, and I wanted to go and do the stuff with the school but felt unable to hurt my Mum's feelings. so I'd agree, yes I'd much rather sit at home with you, Mum, while thinking NO! THIS IS NOT FAIR!. And it wasn't fair on me at all. Putting your own emotional needs before your child's emotional and educational needs is a crappy thing to do.

Stinkersmum · 11/06/2015 15:10

Soduthen - 'People are suggesting the op will he stopping her child from future trips because of her anxiety over this trip. I think that's unfair.'

You think it's unfair? I think it's a VERY fair assumption considering the OP has stated that she has worse anxiety now than when her older dc did the same trip years ago (and presumably came back in one piece...)

OP, YABU. You need to deal with your anxiety, no limit your child's activities, that's not fair.

ThereIsIron · 11/06/2015 15:10

YABU. That is all.

ChristmasZombie · 11/06/2015 15:10

You are not being unreasonable to feel this way, but it would be unreasonable to not allow your son to go on the trip because of your feelings.

The school I work at does a similar trip every few years, except that we take the whole school. Everything is carefully planned and risk assessed (last time we had to include the risk of lightning hitting the sea while the children were paddling...) and there will be plenty of staff around to keep everyone safe. The seaside trip is always a huge success for us, and the children have a great time.
Can you pinpoint what exactly you are worried about? I may be able to help put your mind at rest.

fourchetteoff · 11/06/2015 15:11

Poor you mumto.

I'm not going to bash you over the head and say "let the poor little sod go", what I would recommend is an alternative.

Would it be possible to speak to the teacher, head teacher and express your anxiety? Could you possibly go, not as a volunteer, but as a way of facilitating your DS being able to go? You may have to drive yourself and perhaps be within calling distance in a cafe nearby (again, perhaps) but that might be a good half-way house.

I do understand your concerns, but when I think back on the amazing day my DD had at the seaside - riding donkeys, playing with her friends in the sand, dripping ice cream all over herself - I wouldn't want to prevent her from that enjoyment because of my own anxieties. And if you allow this to prevent your DS from doing something, when will be the next time, and the next time?

Gubbins · 11/06/2015 15:14

Sodu, I'd have to disagree with your comment that they'll hardly remember it. Our school does an end of reception seaside trip every year. The last two years the year sixes remembered it so fondly that they asked to go again as their post SATs celebration.

WorraLiberty · 11/06/2015 15:15

Also, I've helped out on countless trips over the last 20 years and many anxious parents have been relieved to know that their kids generally tend to behave completely differently on school trips, than they do on family trips.

This is because the kids are in 'school mode', where looking/listening/walking in pairs when the teachers tell them, is a standard part of their school experience.

gamerchick · 11/06/2015 15:15

Yeah man its not really fair on the bairn to make him miss out because of your issues is it? What do you think is going to happen?

I understand anxiety sucks I do.. Been there done that but when it gets to the point of it affecting others then it's time to work on banishing it once and for all. You can't keep your kids home forever.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/06/2015 15:17

loveareading good post.

OP are you having any treatment for your anxiety? I found a combination of CBT and anti-depressants worked really well for me. When the DD's were little some days I couldn't even leave the house or barely get out of bed. 6-7 years later I am great and my anxiety doesn't bother me at all - I would even go so far as to say it is long gone. Please get some help with it - you don't have to live like this. Flowers

loveareadingthanks · 11/06/2015 15:17

Oh - and to add that I understand people can't help having anxiety etc. But they can help refusing to get any help with it. Especially these days when there's a lot of understanding and treatments out there. I don't suppose there was much for my Mum in the early 1970s. Poor Mum. Poor me. (particularly bitter about the missed windmill school visit, me).

loveareadingthanks · 11/06/2015 15:20

Oh yeah, and the fact that I was 'sick' or 'ill' or 'got bad stomach' every time we had a school trip, or just on regular normal days, when I was obviously physically ok just got me a reputation with the teachers as being a very child myself. Which I wasn't. Great. And it also taught me it's fine to skive off school for whatever reason so at secondary school my attendance was averaging 4 days a week.

NickiFury · 11/06/2015 15:21

The only time I haven't let my child go on a trip was when they wanted to herd 90 reception age children by tube into central London to go to the national gallery. I'd been on that trip as a parent helper with my first child. Basically they travelled there for an hour, went to the toilet, had a snack, went to the toilet, walked around for five minutes, went to the toilet, had lunch, went to the toilet, came home. I kept dd off and took her myself at the weekend.

I get anxious too, but you have to just get on with it. I get antsy when I know dd will be going out of school even just to the park about 500 ft away (big London green park). These aren't considered proper trips so no extra helpers. Therefore I block my ears and try not to hear about those outings. I just prefer not to know.

Andrewofgg · 11/06/2015 15:22

He's 5. He's a baby

There's a "not" missing in the second sentence of that remark, isn't there?

spiderlight · 11/06/2015 15:28

I was anxious when my DS went on his first school trip in Reception. I'll admit it - I bought him a bright yellow coat so they wouldn't lose him and sat at my back bedroom window (which overlooks the school drive at a bit of a ddistance) with binoculars to watch him getting off the coach when they came back BlushBlushBlush BUT I made myself let him go and he had a fabulous time. They had loads of TAs helping and the kids were very, very tightly supervised all day. I agree with anearlier poster that that small kids on a school trip are still in school mode and are listening and expecting to be holding hands in pairs when they go anywhere, so they won't just be running riot. Anxiety is vile - believe me, I know. It has massively shrunk my world, but it's really important to try not to let it shrink the world for our children because of it.

Flowers
EllenJanethickerknickers · 11/06/2015 15:28

I am not a particularly anxious parent, but to put this in a bit of perspective... My DS went on a 4 night residential to the seaside, 2 hours away including playing on the beach and a boat trip, with his special school. He has autism, had never spent a night away from me or his father and was just 4 years old. This is all about your anxiety, not about how far away the trip is or its suitability.