To think that self esteem is something of a myth?

[User543212345]

I'm currently in therapy for a number of issues but the one thing my therapist keeps coming back to is self esteem/self compassion and liking oneself. It really doesn't make sense to me and seems a bit self indulgent to think "well aren't I rather good and worthwhile" and I just can't fathom anyone in the real world doing that. Surely it's a bit smug and boastful?

AIBU to think that it's all a bit made up and most people feel a bit "meh" about themselves?

"well aren't I rather good and worthwhile"

Your interpretation of it is a bit too outré.

It's not that fathomable.

You don't go around saying / thinking that ^^

It's much more intrinsic than that.

I'm also pretty fabulous. I'm not perfect all the time by any stretch but even when I make a mistake, I'm still pretty happy with myself and feel like I have value in this world. That is self esteem.

Impact on others can be positive.

I judge myself based on the number of people who have stated I have helped them in their lives, or contributed in some way to their wellbeing, measured against those who have claimed otherwise.

The problem with those who seem to have 'high self esteem' is that they tend to disregard the negative impacts they may have had.

If how you internally overestimate your value, the impact on other people can be profound. It's how selfishness begins.

Thats depressing. Women: what other people think of you is much more important than what you think of yourself. Don't be overestimating our value, let others tell you what that value is, because nobody cares about your feelings and only what you do for everyone else matters. And never ever think of yourself or your needs, thats selfish and not allowed.

Fuck that martyr shit.

If how you internally overestimate your value, the impact on other people can be profound. It's how selfishness begins.

I don't disagree.

Having good self-esteem, isn't 'focusing on yourself',

It's just an intrinsic, unarticulated belief in yourself that enables you to go about life, secure of your place in the world.

It's the foundation on which a lot of other stuff rests, or disintegrates.

Your impact on others is the true measure of your worth
If this is true then high self esteem is even more important. Selfishness can often stem from not valuing what you are able to offer and therefore taking rather than giving.

However I do not accept the basic premise and believe self worth can only be measured internally.

The problem is our internal measures can be delusional, or based on inaccuracies. People with depression have internal chemical imbalances that will make them misjudge their effect on those around them through confirmation bias - I am crap, I only remember the crap things I have done. Do we let them tell themselves they are worthless when they aren't? No.

I think of 'selfish' as a good word, where people put what they need first and take into account who they actually are instead of who they expect to be.

Internal criticism is a spiral that's very difficult to get out of.

If you have a realistic picture of you as a human being like all others - allowed to
Fail, allowed to make mistakes, allowed to be exactly who you are then you have more happiness and self acceptance in your life.

If how you internally overestimate your value, the impact on other people can be profound. It's how selfishness begins.

Sorry, I don't understand this sentence. Do I need to ignore the "how"?

The most humble people in the world can have very high self esteem. It's not about being arrogant, confident or boastful or full of your own importance.

I have strong self esteem. I feel that I have great worth and I know that I am loved and needed by people. I have strengths and talents. I also am very flawed and have a lot of room for improvement.

My husband has very poor self esteem but most people would be surprised to know that. He's confident and strong and very well liked. I think he's wonderful and tell him often. Our kids adore him. He's successful in his profession life.

So my point is that self esteem is hard to define

I think of 'selfish' as a good word, where people put what they need first and take into account who they actually are instead of who they expect to be.

Most of the more unpleasant characters revealed in relationships threads would appear to share that belief.

MeeWhoo

Yep, that was a typing fail.

Those who are reporting good self esteem - how do you reconcile when people are unkind/point out character flaws in you? Doesn't it shake your core belief in your self?

The way I handle this is to first consider whether they have a valid point (was I being bitchy, selfish, etc, when I did whatever they've pointed out to me?), combined with also thinking carefully about their mindset, agenda, etc, and what factors external to me might have lead them to say this. When people are unkind it's generally an issue of their own that is driving them to push this onto other people.

I have an acquaintance who is mistress of the concealed put-down, and after spending time with her I'd come away feeling very deflated and doubting myself. Only recently I realised that the problem is her, not me: she's immensely insecure and feels that the world is one big conspiracy against her, and so (consciously or unconsciously) she tries to prick others' self-esteem. Now anything she says is water off a duck's back because I see that her barbed comments are about how she feels about herself, and not about me. I don't see her much anymore either, which is also important ~ don't waste the precious minutes of your life on people who drain you.

You are not necessarily what someone says you are. The words that come out of people's mouths are opinions, not incontrovertible facts.

I am pretty hard on myself and not hugely confident, but I have good self-esteem in that I wouldn't allow myself to be treated badly

I also don't spend too much time worrying what other people think of me.

Low self esteem - someone treats you unkindly, speaks to you like you're shit and you believe this is ok because you must be shit.

Healthy self esteem - someone treats you unkindly, speaks to you like you're shit and you believe the other person just behaved like a shit (because no one deserves to be spoken to like that even if they made a mistake).

low self esteem - you need to do something you've never done before. no point in even trying, you're useless, there's just no way you can do something like that. your DH/DM/DF/friend always says you are too.

healthy self esteem - you need to do something you've never done before. you know your limitations/skills and even though you're a bit scared, you think you just might be able to do it. so you try. and if you fail, you take on board why you weren't able to do it and think about whether you want to improve on those skills (or not, depending on whether it's worthwhile to you.)

"It really doesn't make sense to me and seems a bit self indulgent to think "well aren't I rather good and worthwhile" and I just can't fathom anyone in the real world doing that. Surely it's a bit smug and boastful?"

If people with good self esteem were sitting about thinking that then yes...but, I suspect if you don't have an issue with it, it probably isn't something you spend a great deal of time thinking about.

If you're happy with yourself, you just are, surely?

Oh that s such a shame you think that OP and I m not surprised you're in therapy.

I have good self esteem. Some things can temporarily knock it but overall I'm pretty happy with it.

I'm good at my job, a nice person and an awesome mum. I'm not going to set the world on fire but if someone "got" at me on any one of those grounds I'd fight my corner.

If someone called me a shit mum I wouldn't crumble into the ground. I'd go bananas, tell them no I wasn't and probably smack them in the mouth.

Possibly I have too much self esteem

But isn't that the point, Mephistopheles? Identifying where our self-view might be unhelpful or skewed, often with outside help, and taking steps to amend that?

Those who are reporting good self esteem - how do you reconcile when people are unkind/point out character flaws in you? Doesn't it shake your core belief in your self?

No. I don't believe I'm perfect and I accept that I make mistakes/need to constantly improve. If I'm criticized, i'll evaluate the criticism and figure out whether it's a good point and I need to improve or if someone's just being mean. If I make a mistake, I will want to correct it.

My self esteem isn't based on what other people tell me. It's what I think of myself and my abilities. So someone criticizing isn't going to shake my core beliefs because that's not what it's based on. That's why it's called self esteem. You have to learn how to value yourself.

JassyRadlett

Yes, but possession of too high self-esteem mitigates your capacity for self awareness, or capacity to accept the assessment of others.

To me, self esteem isn't thinking "I am better than everyone else" it is thinking "I am a person, just like everyone else and I deserve to be treated well, just like everyone else"

It's the lack of an inferiority complex rather than a superiority complex. So if someone says something horrible to me that's unfounded then I will think they're having a bad day, but if someone says something to me that is upsetting because it has some truth to it then I examine my actions from their point of view because they may have a point.

I also think that character flaws are subjective anyway - my sister thinks I'm boring because I like books and listen to R4. I acknowledge that, to her, that is boring but I enjoy it so I don't change my actions because I now have healthy self esteem. Whereas when I was younger I had low self esteem and believed that any judgement on me was true so used to pretend to be someone else, when actually who I am is totally valid anyway.

I think there is a cult of self esteem that produces lots of special little snowflakes which is damaging to the snowflakes people round them and society in general.

But other than that it what meant by the term - all points below could be wrapped up in the term self esteem and are I think good things.

Valuing yourself, making sure you look after your physical and mental well being and yes I think many people especially women myself included aren't always good at this or are conditioned to put others first.

Accepting yourself for who you are not wishing and pining for unrealistic goals - I don't have genetics or the determination and now age to be a super model - and my nature is one of an introvert so never going to be outgoing and load or enjoy constant frantic environments - accepting that makes me happier.

Knowing your self - knowing your strengths, weaknesses and what you are capable of - know what you want and where you want need to get.

Respecting yourself enough not to let other put you off your gaols or put you down - having good boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

Being your own cheer leader - so you overcome any negative thoughts or obstacles thrown in your paths - not listening to negativity of inner voice or others - many who will have their own agendas.

I like myself a lot.

That doesn't mean I'm perfect. I certainly have flaws. But they don't reduce my general good feeling towards myself.

I don't think I'm inherently better than others, though I do believe I'm better at some things than a lot of others.

I don't think I'm overly attractive or amazing. I think I have self esteem though. I'm generally a good person, I do my best, I'm not worthless.