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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my boyfriend for going out on his bday?

56 replies

zippyone · 10/06/2015 16:48

My boyfriend has just said he is going out on Sat (his bday) to watch a boxing match, the thing is he went out last Sat with his mates to a concert which was meant to be for his bday.

Even if I was invited I prob wouldn't want to go anyway (not a fan of boxing) but the point is we can't afford it, we are up to our eyeballs in bills and rent is due on Monday which we don't have. Seems like I am the only one worrying about it while he is off having fun!

Sorry for the rant but if it were my bday I would just want a nice normal day with him and the kids, no expense as we can't afford it!

OP posts:
pictish · 10/06/2015 16:49

He is bvu to go out spending money on fresh air when you're short of the rent!

00100001 · 10/06/2015 16:52

YABU for not wanting him to go out on his birthday...BUT

YANBU for wanting him to spend time with family

and YANBU for needing the bills paid before leisure things

coffeeisnectar · 10/06/2015 16:54

Bills come before outings, birthday or not. Yanbu.

Nolim · 10/06/2015 16:59

Agree with binary. Some ppl enjoy going out for a bday and others dont. But all of that is irrelevant when you cannot afford it.

Iwasbornin1993 · 10/06/2015 17:00

Bills come first YANBU.

Original poster
zippyone · 10/06/2015 17:02

Sometimes I feel like I am the only grownup here, I make a budget - he doesn't stick to it. This is a budget to cover basic important things like rent, elec + gas, food, etc. He just buys things and goes out quite alot considering the financial difficulty we are in.

I organise ALL the bills and pay them from my bank but I can't do that if he doesn't give me his share. Even his mobile comes out of my bank and I am scrimping on food and stuff for the kids that they need while he just seems to spend what he likes on whatever he like and if we can't pay bills he just says don't worry about it we will sort it out soon.

He has an irregular income paid in cash so it make it even more important to be careful with it.

I am quite fed up in case you can't tell lol, not normally so moody!

OP posts:
EmmaLL25 · 10/06/2015 17:09

Seems like you have bigger problems than him going out on Saturday.

What is he contributing to the relationship and running of your home?

There are no consequences to him behaving this way so he'll keep doing it.

pictish · 10/06/2015 17:24

Sounds like a selfish git who needs to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
zippyone · 10/06/2015 17:35

Ye I know we have big problems - not just money, we are just hanging on because of the kids I think, he doesn't want to marry me and we have been together 9 1/2 years.

I am starting to see him for who he is, a selfish git who needs to grow the fuck up as pictish said, and it make me angry more than sad, what does that say?

I'm tired of living like this but see no way out, he won't leave me but he won't commit either or take responsibility.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 10/06/2015 17:37

I would stop paying his mobile phone bill immediately.

Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 17:39

Sounds like the relationship could be nearing the end of the road.

Suggest you stop any direct debits from your account for his things, eg mobile, and non-essentials immediately. And investigate how splitting up would affect your finances.

Fairenuff · 10/06/2015 18:31

I honestly think you should ask him to move out if he isn't contributing. Don't mess around with this, it will cause years of heartache. He isn't ready to be mature and responsible and mothering him will slowly kill any remaining respect you have for him.

Original poster
zippyone · 10/06/2015 18:47

He can be mature and responsible, he is not always like this he just has periods when he is a bit of a git. He doesn't like paying bills, but who the fuck does?

He has not given me any money for bills for nearly a month now and I am tired of nagging - I don't like it and I shouldn't have to ask! I have around half the rent money and no chance of getting any money from him before Monday especially if he is going out on Sat so don't know what to do.

I have just changed his mobile DD over to his account as that is £25 less to worry about which goes out on the 17th, not going to make a massive difference but every little helps.

I can't tell him he can't go out on his bday - he would not listen.

He would not move out, he will not leave us, I have asked him to move out before when things were bad but he refuses. We made it up in the end that time and things were much better until recently.

OP posts:
florascotia · 10/06/2015 18:57

Dear Zippy I don't know what the law is but please - you sound like a lovely caring and above all responsible person - do ask for expert free advice (such as Citizens Advice Bureau: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/)

Fairenuff · 10/06/2015 19:04

I think you're on to a loser then OP and if you don't want to separate that's up to you. At least some other poor woman isn't saddled with him, hey Smile

ImperialBlether · 10/06/2015 19:11

I would be taking the money out of his pockets when he's asleep. He's not being an adult, is he? You must feel like you're his mum.

Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 19:15

It's not ok for him to be a git, or a cocklodger, even if it's not for all of the time. Why continue to subsidise him? Bet he's splashing more cash on himself than you know of too, being paid in cash makes that easy.

There is lots of good, free advice on money and housing issues you could access. What are the terms of your lease, are you both on the tenancy so liable for the rent?

Original poster
zippyone · 10/06/2015 19:19

He just phoned me and he explained that his mate was paying for his ticket and he will be driving and not drinking so will only cost a few quid in petrol.

So that is fine, wish he said that in the first place and not just "i'm going out on Sat to watch some boxing"! I thought he would be drinking and taxis, ticket etc. He had to go to work just after so I have been stewing over it getting myself wound up.

He was in a much more reasonable mood than earlier, he is like jekkyll and hyde, he is a gemini and he really does have two personalities I think! Again he said don't worry about the rent - he will sort it out so I won't worry.

Its just I like him to give me a set amount each week so I know exactly where we are with money and bills but he doesn't and usually just scrapes it together even if a few days late when I have a hissy fit over an imminent bill.

Thanks for listening to my ranting people!

OP posts:
Original poster
zippyone · 10/06/2015 19:22

I do feel like his mum sometimes and that I have three children, I do all his cooking, cleaning, washing (not ironing though - i hate ironing) and nagging him.

Yes we are both on the tenancy agreement.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 19:24

why even get into that pattern though? It must be draining.

Why doesnt he just pay money into a (sole) bank account and transfer his fair share of the rent and bills out of that?

Does he pay tax?

Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 19:27

He has it good doesn't he! Why the hell are you doing all that in addition to administering and paying for his share of stuff?

You are living with a cocklodging manchild and running yourself ragged looking after him.why? Save your efforts and cash for yourself and the DC!

SewingBox · 10/06/2015 19:27

Where is he scraping money together from? Surely you've either got it or you haven't until payday?

Original poster
zippyone · 10/06/2015 19:30

It is draining yes, he is very bad with money, I do his tax returns but he is a nightmare with keeping proper records and receipts, sometimes its a guessing game which is not good at all.

That would be too simple and organised for him to do that, whatever would we argue about if he did such a sensible thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
zippyone · 10/06/2015 19:33

He is self employed so if he puts in more effort he earns more so if he wants to he can work day and night (literally in the middle of the night - 3am out in the rain and cold in winter) to make it up.

I wish he was more organised though as I like to know what to expect.

OP posts:
keeptothewhiteline · 10/06/2015 19:41

His birthday seems the least of your worries.