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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my boyfriend for going out on his bday?

56 replies

zippyone · 10/06/2015 16:48

My boyfriend has just said he is going out on Sat (his bday) to watch a boxing match, the thing is he went out last Sat with his mates to a concert which was meant to be for his bday.

Even if I was invited I prob wouldn't want to go anyway (not a fan of boxing) but the point is we can't afford it, we are up to our eyeballs in bills and rent is due on Monday which we don't have. Seems like I am the only one worrying about it while he is off having fun!

Sorry for the rant but if it were my bday I would just want a nice normal day with him and the kids, no expense as we can't afford it!

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 19:43

He would be organised and work more if he wanted to, but he is clearly more than happy with the status quo. Not so feet for you or the DC though is it!

Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 19:44

You can know what to expect if you stay with him: more of the same!

Original poster

zippyone · 10/06/2015 19:58

Yes I know he has not changed yet, in fact he may be getting worse, it shouldn't such a struggle and I shouldn't be stressing about bills and getting annoyed with him if he were more organised with money and stuck to the budget.

He is a dreamer and his dream is to be a singer/songwriter and he is amazing at writing songs and everyone tells him he should do it for a living but so are lots of people and I am a realist and know it is difficult to make it in the music industry.

So he does his work, and he does work hard - his work is physical, but his heart is not in the mudane day to day stuff which is left to me. :(

OP posts:

ttc2015 · 10/06/2015 22:04

You need to nip this mucking about with money in the bud. What happens one month if your kids need something an he's still fannying about?

He either shapes up and changes now, sticks to a budget and loses some of the 'dreamer' quality or expect to be posting repeatedly about his shit for the next five years as, sadly, I see some regular posters do! You have a choice OP, let him get on with it and be posting here for the next X years, or insist he changes and if he doesn't do something about it yourself.

Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 22:09

Having dreams and not being in your ideal job, or a hard job, doesn't have anything to do with this kind of crap. Seemingly he thinks you have nothing better to do than deal with his share of mundanity (on top of parenting and your own day to day adult stuff).

butterfly133 · 10/06/2015 22:44

Tell him you're going to put the major bills on to his account. Just tell him. It's his turn. He's an adult. He has no grounds for objecting to it. Btw why are you doing all the cooking and laundry? I realise there may be a reason, everyone splits chores differently. I just get the impression he isn't doing enough.

Duckdeamon · 10/06/2015 22:46

The reasons are he's a cocklodger manchild!

pictish · 11/06/2015 07:34

His heart's not in the day to day mundane stuff? No one's is! Seriously...no one has any enthusiasm for the shit work. The boring stuff, the drudgery...we all fucking hate it.
He's not special.

googoodolly · 11/06/2015 07:45

Nobody likes the day to day stuff, but as adults we just suck it up and deal with it! I hate doing housework and arranging direct debits and sorting out money but if I don't do it, the bill won't get paid - I don't have someone mothering me picking up after me.

He does it all at the last minute because he can get away with it. I had a friend like that - lovely bloke but horrendously disorganised. We lived next door to each other - same landlord but different flat - in the end, he got kicked out owing the landlord nearly £500, owing the utilities company over £600, he hadn't paid the council tax on his place either and got a court summons owing god knows what. But, he was working! He earns money and on paper he should be fine, but he spends it on drink/cigarettes, takes out ludicrous phone/tablet contracts etc, and wonders why he can't pay rent!

Believe me, he CAN do it. He won't while there are no serious consequences, though. Although short of splitting up, I don't know how you can get the message through to him.

keeptothewhiteline · 11/06/2015 08:49

but his heart is not in the mudane day to day stuff

That surprises me- because I thought that as adults this is the stuff we all love- I know it rocks my boat.

Doing the laundry, cleaning waste food out of plugholes, cleaning shit off the toilet, paying council tax. planning meals, paying the electricitybill, making sure we all have clean clothes, clearing up vomit, taking out bins, hoovering.

It's all good for me- but I guess if this poor guy doesn't understand the pleasures then we should cut him some slack.

ApeMan · 11/06/2015 09:08

in a way YANBU about the birthday, and possibly should have thought that somebody might be buying it for him, with it being his birthday and all...

...still, why is he living like jack the lad spending as he wishes? If he is running a family, he should have what is LEFT after stuff is paid for, if that is anything at all, not putting what is LEFT into the household/family after he has done what he likes. Doing it the wrong way around is how rent gets left unpaid, amenities get cut off and so on.

I suspect if he were living frugally to balance the books, the inability to wash his socks would be a bit easier to live with.

ApeMan · 11/06/2015 09:09

*In a way YABABU

grapejuicerocks · 11/06/2015 09:15

I'm afraid that you're enabling it - and I appreciate that you don't want to be in this position. While you put up with it, he'll carry on doing it. Time for ultimatums I'm afraid. Either that or you just need to suck it up and accept that you'll never change him.

Balanced12 · 11/06/2015 09:22

Get him out or leave the weight lifted will feel amazing. If he's half decent he will pull himself together and try to prove himself to you and your children. If not think of how much less stress you will have. Hope all improves

viva100 · 11/06/2015 09:52

Have you tried getting legal advice, OP? You say you've told him to leave but he refuses. Maybe a trip to the solicitor is what you need (expensive, I know, but a good long term investment). And when does your tenancy end? Take him off the tenancy when it's up for renewal.
And be thankful you haven't married him. If you had, he would have ruined your credit rating by now and ruining your chance of ever moving out.

Original poster

zippyone · 11/06/2015 10:02

Thanks everyone, some good advice, he did have some DDs coming out of his bank and they kept bouncing because he has to actually put the cash in so I switched them all to my bank as we recently had the electricity and gas put on a prepayment meter with a warrant!

I said right you HAVE to give me a set amount of cash per week which I will use for food shopping etc. so I am not spending out of my bank and the DDs come out of my bank. He stuck to it for a few weeks now there are excuses.

The point is we are in a mess financially when we shouldn't be as we have enough to cover bills it is just not managed properly.

I am tempted to let the electric and/or gas run out on him as I am the only one who bothers to check it and put money on - might wake him up? Is that spiteful?

He just told me this morning that he spends at least £100 a week on random stuff like food from petrol stations, energy drinks, smoking, beers, breakfasts in cafes, burgers etc. and said he will try to be more careful.

Whilst I am scrimping on meals, I cook from scratch every day, sometimes he doesn't even eat what I cook for dinner because he has already had something on the way home from work!

OP posts:

butterfly133 · 11/06/2015 11:23

OP, that is ridiculous. You aren't being spiteful if you let stuff run out but what worries me is that you and the children will suffer and that makes no sense. £100 a week on random stuff is loads. Why does he want to p* that up the wall?!

Do you want him to move out? He is a huge drain. I realise he might be well intentioned, kind hearted but sadly that isn't the point. He is spoiling your life and your kids' lives!

Something else I would do - don't do any domestics for him. Seriously. Separate the laundry. Don't include him in your cooking budget. if he has money to spend that way, he shouldn't need to benefit from your cooked meals. It might wake him up a bit. If he can't contribute financially, he needs to stand aside. Also, when he runs out of clean clothes, he might realise what being an adult is about?

You mention wanting to kick him out. If that is serious, do kick him out. Look for a place on your own - with the children. I'm sorry but he will only grow up if forced to.

Duckdeamon · 11/06/2015 11:27

So what are you going to do about it?

Original poster

zippyone · 11/06/2015 12:57

Don't know what I should, don't think I want to kick him out. I have tried not doing his washing etc. but what does he do? Goes to the shop and buys more boxers, socks, tshirts etc.!!! Not all the time, sometimes he will do washing if there is something he wants to wear not clean but he just puts a few things in not even a full wash.

I am tired of moaning at him about these kinds of things so I just do it myself.

I really don't know what to do, he is not all bad, I realise I am moaning alot on here and pointing out his bad points not his good points so you all may think he's worse than he is. He is not always a selfish git!!

OP posts:

Fudgeface123 · 11/06/2015 12:59

he won't leave me

Tell him to!

butterfly133 · 11/06/2015 13:03

he buys new stuff? That is insane. If you don't want to kick him out, then I don't know what you do....I don't understand how anyone can live with someone like this.

Original poster

zippyone · 11/06/2015 13:26

That was a few years ago fudge when I told him to leave and he wouldn't, I have not asked him to leave recently.

OP posts:

GERTI · 11/06/2015 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

butterfly133 · 11/06/2015 14:11

not sure what the BF's legal rights are though. I suppose if he doesn't involve himself in paperwork, he won't know, but it seems a bit.. not right. Wouldn't the landlord gave to get that confirmed by the BF anyway? And pay back a % of deposit?

grapejuicerocks · 11/06/2015 20:56

Getting is right about the two choices, but it's probably best to go to citizens advice about how to get him out, or how she can find somewhere of her own. They can advise about her finances too.

Either accept him for what he is, or leave him. If he knows you are serious about leaving then he may change. If not then you'll know you've made the right decision.

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