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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grumpy with my OH for going to a funeral?

114 replies

Kookookichoo · 09/06/2015 20:19

It's someone who is really close to his sister, he never professed a desire to see her in life and now he wants to make a 3 day round trip to attend the funeral. I've said no to me and the kids going (we'd met her once) but he still wants to. I can't say no but its making me really grumpy!

OP posts:
firesidechat · 09/06/2015 20:20

Has he ever met her or know her well?

Yarp · 09/06/2015 20:20

Why are you grumpy?

Can you explain a bit more?

firesidechat · 09/06/2015 20:23

Just seen that you have met her, so presumably your husband has too. So just how well does he know her - distant friend, vague acquaintance?

ImperialBlether · 09/06/2015 20:23

Is he treating it like a little holiday?

christmasmum · 09/06/2015 20:25

In my opinion, sometimes you don't go to a funeral for the deceased, you go for the people who are grieving, to show them support during their crisis. If his sister is very upset he may want to be there for her.

RiverTam · 09/06/2015 20:25

Well, funerals are about the living so perhaps he's going to support his sister?

RiverTam · 09/06/2015 20:26

Xpost with Christm

Original poster
Kookookichoo · 09/06/2015 20:34

I fear he is treating like a holiday. He'd met her a few times but we had plenty of opportunities to see her in life and he never wanted to. The point about hi sister is true, he probably does want to be there for her. I'm grumpy because I'll have to change my plans for three days and look after two small children on my own, and I think he is treating it a bit like a mini holiday. He'll have to use up holiday time for it as he wont get compassionate leave. I know I should feel more understanding, an I do really feel for his sister, but she's got loads of people to support her. Oh god, I probably ABU!

OP posts:
Yarp · 09/06/2015 20:37

If you went would you be able to get anything out of it or would that be worse?

BathtimeFunkster · 09/06/2015 20:38

YANBU

Travelling for 3 days for the funeral of someone you barely knew is ridiculous.

Unless he's very close to a member of her immediate family (that's what "being there for the living" means. Not just showing up because you know someone else attending.)

It's outrageous to treat a funeral as a holiday.

And it's shit to use up holiday time and leave your spouse alone with children unless it's the funeral of some you were very, very close to.

Send a condolence card and some flowers.

RiverTam · 09/06/2015 20:39

It's fair enough to feel grumpy to have to change things last minute but it'll be fine when it happens, and it's good karma!

googoodolly · 09/06/2015 20:39

How would you feel if he told you he didn't want YOU to attend a funeral?

TwinkieTwinkle · 09/06/2015 20:40

I think getting grumpy over someone wanting to go to a funeral is pretty unreasonable.

ImperialBlether · 09/06/2015 20:43

googoodolly, do you think he's reasonable, then?

crazyoldfish · 09/06/2015 20:44

I lost a very close friend last year. It was awful. All my family came to the funeral even my BIL who had only met her once. Parents of friends of ours came (even when the friend couldn't). It helped. It was still awful but the effort and support of everyone helped.

Original poster
Kookookichoo · 09/06/2015 20:45

I know googoodolly, I would feel justifiably outraged, which is why I was concerned IABU. I haven't said he can't go, but there has been a bit of lip pursing and "I suppose if it really means that much to you"ing. I don't think I can justify taking the kids out of school and nursery, esp as I think I would have to lie about it being someone close (school gets grumpy about a dentists appointment!). I also wouldn't feel right being there when I literally met her once for five minutes.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 09/06/2015 20:47

I think getting grumpy over someone wanting to go to a funeral is pretty unreasonable.

No matter what??

Jaysus, you should have married my great Uncle Jim.

Loved a funeral he did - all that free booze and food and reminiscing about people you barely knew.

Even his wife would have drawn the line at a 3 day jolly to celebrate mourn the death of people he barely knew.

Drquin · 09/06/2015 20:48

This might be a "pick your battles" time.

If all else in life is rosy, I wouldn't begrudge him a couple of days at a funeral. Grief (or supporting those who are grieving) isn't a measurable thing, it's not top trumps. So, if you've no real reason to object, I'd hide the grumpy face, help him pack and ask him to pass on my condolences to his sister / the friend's family.

OTOH, if this is costing money you really don't have, or it means he doesn't have enough leave left for your family holiday, or something else, then fair enough to be grumpy and / or object to him going.

TwinkieTwinkle · 09/06/2015 20:51

Bathtime If someone feels that they need to attend the funeral then that is their call, it is not for someone else to call into question. People react differently do death. Even if OP doesn't feel that her DH knew this person well enough to make the trip for the funeral, that is not up to her.

Where has this lack of empathy come from in people? This cold, hard attitude where if someone doesn't understand something then it is unreasonable.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/06/2015 20:54

"I'll have to change my plans for three days and look after two small children on my own"

Is that such a hardship being as they are, in fact, your children?

YABU

SociallyAwkward · 09/06/2015 20:56

YANBU, and the reason I say that is because it's a 3 day trip and you feel he's using it as a mini holiday.

Would he be as keen to go if all it necessitated was 2 hours out of work?

RiverTam · 09/06/2015 20:56

Bathtime, did you not read Crazy's post? It can really help the grieving if their friends and family can be with them, even if they didn't know the deceased themselves.

BathtimeFunkster · 09/06/2015 20:57

Even if OP doesn't feel that her DH knew this person well enough to make the trip for the funeral, that is not up to her.

If they share money and children, then yes it is up to her if her money and time is going to be spent on going.

People die all the time.

There are funerals of close friends and family that you pull out all the stops for.

And then there are ones that you go to if they are nearby.

Taking 3 days out of your life to go to the funeral of someone you weren't close to when you have small children is a pisstake.

Although I can see why he's trying to exploit the funeral angle when there are people who think it is a free pass to partying.

LIZS · 09/06/2015 20:59

Maybe her death represents losing an association with his younger days. Even if she had been more of a friend of his sister. It may ave pulled him up short and want to reconnect with Family and friends . Yabu to moan about looking after your own dc and sound somewhat unsympathetic.

ImperialBlether · 09/06/2015 21:00

OP, is your husband normally a very kind person who would do anything to relieve his sister's distress, or is he normally a selfish man who likes the odd holiday on his own?