To be grumpy with my OH for going to a funeral?

[Kookookichoo]

It's someone who is really close to his sister, he never professed a desire to see her in life and now he wants to make a 3 day round trip to attend the funeral. I've said no to me and the kids going (we'd met her once) but he still wants to. I can't say no but its making me really grumpy!

A friend from work's dad died. I went even though I'd never met him.

Of course you did. That's what people do.

Someone you know lost their Dad, of course you went and paid your respects.

I can't count on all my digits on my hands and feet the number of times I've done that.

Of course, usually going to a colleague's family funeral doesn't involve 3 days leave away from the family at short notice.

If it did, I think you'd be looking more at a friend from work than just a mate from the office.

I've said in all my posts that if this dude is close to the family that what I'm saying doesn't apply.

But there is no indication of that here. His own partner thinks he's going for the fun times.

Funerals are not parties. You go to pay your respects to the bereaved.

If he doesn't know the family, and didn't know their daughter well when she was alive, then what is his business there?

If he was nearby and going was not a 3 day commitment, then I would say he should go.

But this is too much for someone he didn't know well when he isn't close to the family.

I'm usually the person encouraging people to attend funerals when they are unsure. But just because it's a funeral doesn't mean you should definitely go, no matter what.

And I'm speaking here in the capacity of person far more likely (by a significant margin) to attend a funeral in my marriage. I wouldn't bugger off for 3 days at zero notice to attend the funeral of somebody I only knew in passing. That's just a pisstake.

A day's driving back to distant place, attending a funeral and then a day's driving back hardly a holiday

(Going OT a little bit) I'll be attending my Nan's funeral soon and quite frankly I'm dreading it. I was quite close to her and made the effort to see her often and make sure my DCs knew her. But I have no doubt the funeral will be full to the rafters of all the bastards who couldn't be fucked to go and see her while she was living. Fuckers, the lot of them.

It really pisses me off. As you can tell!

A day's driving back to distant place, attending a funeral and then a day's driving back hardly a holiday

It could be.

Funerals can be really good fun - wake the first night, funeral the next morning, all day eating and drinking once the service is over. Most of the food and booze laid on.

Of course, for people who were close to the deceased, or one of the family, it's a type of fun very much tinged by sadness.

But if you didn't know any of them and are just showing up because it will be a big social gathering of old friends with free booze?

Ick. Just ick.

That's not cool.

Why isn't he planning to drive home once the service is over?

That would reduce it to a two day trip.

I have sadly attended many funerals of people I loved dearly (including my own son). I was always grateful to people who made the effort to turn up & show their respects, even if they barely knew the deceased. I found it touching. To see the numbers of people someone's life has touched is usually gratifying for those left behind.

I think on the whole people should go to more funerals
I'm sorry to have missed some over the years, especially when I was younger
Even if you aren't that close to the person who died you may be to some of the bereaved
And it's all good practice for those that do really matter
In this case the DH will get to spend some good time with his DSis and show her some support. I'd say that's a good thing to do.
If you can enjoy aspects of funerals then that's all to the good
People should be less critical of the ways others behave

OP I think you are entirely reasonable to be very grumpy about this.

You, OH and your DCs are a team. Or at least should be. Whatever the occasion or reason, when something is likely to affect the whole family then the whole family should be considered. Which clearly your OH isn't doing.

All these relatively small inconveniences for you and the DCs are adding up to be quite a big PIA. So who's he putting first? He's own need for a few days off? Or his sister who has plenty of support from others?

If I was in your place I'd be getting the bottom of what was going on in DH's head and asking exactly why he thought it a reasonable thing to do. But then he wouldn't do this. He wouldn't go away for anything without us both deciding if it was something that fitted in with us all as a family.

Are you sure there's not more to his relationship with the deceased? Sorry, I know this is very cynical. Was this a childhood relationship? Were they an item when they were younger do you think?

Jesus fucking Christ. I despair sometimes. If a woman said she felt the need to go to a funeral and her partner questioned whether their friend was worthwhile them being inconvenienced, said that they didn't want to look after their kids on their own for a couple of days, refused to let them take the car because they didn't want to take a couple of bus trips, implied that for them to care enough to go they must have shagged them, insist they give a detailed account of why they want to go, insist that they should always come before family (even for the most trivial reasons), accuse them of using their friends death as an excuse for a holiday and getting away from the kids, call them cynical, accuse them of wanting a booze up there would be demands for blood.

And FFS, the OP only wanted a bit of a moan.

^
What Aermingers said

But Aermingers, the poor dead woman isn't someone the OP's husband bothered to see when she was alive! He is taking three days' holiday from work to do this - that has a massive impact on the family. He's taking the car - this again has a big impact.

His sister doesn't need his support - she will be busy helping her friend's family.

Some cynical people on this thread. I agree with Juggling, we should go to more funerals. Petty things like swimming lessons are nothing in the face of death - in coping with loss, people don't care what you say or do, but they remember you were there - that means more than any card.

i also agree with Aermingers and share her frustration.

He's got kids. He doesn't sound like a geriatric. He probably didn't think he would need to make a special effort to see her. He probably thought that he would see her around anyway.

And besides, if the Mumsnet jury is this cross about him going to her funeral, what would they have said if he'd expressed an interest in visiting Her when she was alive?

Not having a car for 3 days has a 'big impact'? Seriously?

Yanbu

It's OTT

"when the wedding is far away, is to send a condolence letter "

Interesting slip up there.

"Then you support your grieving sister at home. In all the small ways people need."

But the sister lives at the other end of the country where the funeral is being held.

Driving for a day, going to a funeral and then driving home would be my idea of hell, not a jolly. If it were a jolly you'd stay longer for a start. OP I would just talk to him about why he wants to go. If one of my brother's old school friends died I would want to go to the funeral even though I haven't seem them for years. They were an important part of my childhood and if my brother wanted me there and their families were OK with it, I'd want to go. There will be more swimming sessions and singing, there will only be one funeral for this person.

One thing about this thread, it's given me an interesting insight into just how car dependent we are as a nation. Puzzled as to why anyone drives what are easy walking distances, though it's true there may be more to it. Then again I do like pie and chips so have to cycle or walk to burn them off.

The OP says:

• he never professed a desire to see her in life

• I fear he is treating like a holiday.

• He'd met her a few times but we had plenty of opportunities to see her in life and he never wanted to.

• He would (rightly) think it was unreasonable of me if I went up to visit my family mid-week with only a few day's notice.

• I do think he's using it as an excuse.

• If he needed a few days away to recharge or whatever I would totally understand that, but not with such short notice, using up holiday we need and spending money on fuel etc we don't have.

There's nothing there that makes me thinks he should go to the funeral.

Regardless of whether it's for a funeral, a wedding, work, whatever, the OH clearly hasn't given much thought to the OP when deciding he's going off for 3 days.

I don't think the OP is BU to have expected her OH to have actually discussed this with her before making his plans.

"There's nothing there that makes me thinks he should go to the funeral"

• I don't go and see my brother's friends. We're all in our 40s and you sort of assume there will be time, although you become increasingly aware there might not be.

• Although the OP says she fears it is being treated as a holiday she doesn't say why.

• Going to the funeral may be less about his recent relationship (or lack of it) with the deceased and more about being there for his sister or about a past friendship

• where's the evidence it's an excuse? We don't know his side of it. Ditto him thinking her going away would be unreasonable

• I understand the problem with money on fuel and using up leave but I think that's something the OP could talk to him about if it really bothers her that much.

If I thought that 2 days driving and a funeral were a break from my home life, I'd be worried about the state of my home life.

• He never professed a desire to see her in life.

So people who think expressing affection for a dead woman is awful would think that saying they had a desire to see a live woman was okay? And we should itemise our friends to our partners so that they can judge in future whether or not we should be allowed to attend their funerals?

I fear he is treating it like a holiday?

Why? Why do you think two days driving and a funeral is 'fun'.

He would (rightly) think it was unreasonable for me to visit my family midweek with a few days notice.

But this is a one off. Not just a general trip for no reason.

If he wanted a few days to recharge I would understand etc.

So if he went away for a break for no reason that's fine. Dead friend = not fine.

And anyway, all of this ignored the fact the OP just wanted a bit of a moan and doesn't need her partners character assassinated.

He did discuss it with her. He wanted the family to go. She said no. He compromised that he would go on his own.

Can I also point out, the OP knew she couldn't say know and was just feeling grumpy. Which is kind of understandable. the responses are way OTT though.

No. Ffs predictive.

How does he cope with death?.. Is he "attracted " to the thought that one MUST attend the funeral of a previous acquaintance ... You need to talk and not judge.

What's "unbelievable" is that people have come up with yet another reason that a woman isn't allowed to question being left alone with her children for days while her partner spends family money on an unnecessary holiday.

Nailed it bathtimefunkster. I'm half surprised we've got four pages in and nobody's suggested a spa day yet, frankly. And I've never understood why so many MNers see it as a total taboo to tell a partner they're not going to something, but perfectly acceptable to tell them they'll be unilaterally responsible for all childcare and running of the home for a period while you go off and do whatever. Either it's acceptable to decide your partner's going to be doing something whether they like it or not, or it isn't.

OP you obviously know him better than I do, but I'd say cutting a family holiday short to attend the funeral of a non-relative is possibly exceeding 'dining out on grief'. Maybe not funeral junkie status, but a step in that direction. Especially if it involved your DC missing out. And I too come from a community where everyone turns up for funerals. I remember discussing this with my uni housemates, and it turned out that aged 20 I'd been to at least twice as many as the other three put together.

OP, do you have siblings? How would you feel if a very close friend of your sibling died and your DH was getting a bit pissy at the thought of you attending the funeral?

YABU. Just suck it up, OP. Something similar may well happen in your family and you might just want your DH's support rather than him being grumpy about it.