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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grumpy with my OH for going to a funeral?

114 replies

Kookookichoo · 09/06/2015 20:19

It's someone who is really close to his sister, he never professed a desire to see her in life and now he wants to make a 3 day round trip to attend the funeral. I've said no to me and the kids going (we'd met her once) but he still wants to. I can't say no but its making me really grumpy!

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 09/06/2015 21:00

It would be a hardship for me to change my plans to look after my children for a last minute jolly, given that my plans include work and other things that involve commitments to other people.

Luckily my husband treats my life as something that is as important as his own.

BathtimeFunkster · 09/06/2015 21:02

Maybe her death represents losing an association with his younger days.

Maybe it does.

And he can reflect on that while being a father to his children and not pissing off for three days at no notice because of a bit of nostalgia.

RiverTam · 09/06/2015 21:11

So you really don't rate supporting his sister at all? Once he has DC of his own the rest of his family can go screw themselves?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/06/2015 21:15

Imperial you have gotten to the crux of the matter with that question.

Lovelydiscusfish · 09/06/2015 21:18

I think YANBU to feel grumpy about the impact on your life, and, yes, the use of his holiday time (which if he doesn't get much is precious to you all as a family).
On the other hand ywbu to try to insist he doesn't go, as it's clearly important to him.
I'd suggest (whether I'd be able to do this myself is another matter) a really calm, in depth discussion with him, where you perhaps don't share too many of your (understandable) negative emotions, but really try to get to the root of why he feels the need to be there. Hopefully this will help you feel better about it (or may even lead to him analysing his feelings to the point where he changes his plans, and feels he can send a tribute and thoughtful letter instead).
Good luck, whatever happens!

Original poster
Kookookichoo · 09/06/2015 21:32

Thanks everyone, he is a kind person but his family does like to dine out on tragedy a bit. I know I have come across as unsympathetic but I would move heaven and earth for someone close, we cut a holiday short last year to attend a friend's mum's funeral. If he had been close to her or had even been interested in seeing her in life I would feel differently, or if his sister wasn't going to be surrounded by supportive friends. I have no intention of stopping him going, it is totally his call, but I do feel a little grumpy about it. I feel better after voicing it. I think chatting to him about it is absolutely the right thing to do, but that will probably make him grumpy!

OP posts:
suspiciousdelicious · 09/06/2015 21:38

sometimes people enjoy grieving it makes them feel grown up. I know thats harsh but it is so common.

FunkyPeacock · 09/06/2015 21:41

I agree with DrQuin about choosing your battles

Unless he has form for using tenuous excuses to get away from you & DC for a few days then I think you have to assume that his motives for wanting to go are not unreasonable

Parker231 · 09/06/2015 21:51

"I haven't said he can't go" - do you normally decide where he goes !

Original poster
Kookookichoo · 09/06/2015 21:59

No Parker, but someone commented that I shouldn't tell him not to go, so I was confirming that I hadn't. Would your OH go away for 3 days without checking with you how you felt about it?

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 09/06/2015 22:12

So you really don't rate supporting his sister at all? Once he has DC of his own the rest of his family can go screw themselves?

He can support his sister in her grief without rocking up to the funeral of a woman he barely knew and imposing himself on her family.

She will only be gone for a few days.

And during that time, really she should be more focused on the people who actually knew this woman than being supported by her brother in person.

She can always call him if she needs to.

Viviennemary · 09/06/2015 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 09/06/2015 22:39

Why does he need to go for 3 days?

RiverTam · 09/06/2015 22:48

bathtime your post is so staggeringly unpleasant and lacking in empathy I am at a total loss as to what to say in response. Unbelievable.

BathtimeFunkster · 09/06/2015 22:56

What's "unbelievable" is that people have come up with yet another reason that a woman isn't allowed to question being left alone with her children for days while her partner spends family money on an unnecessary holiday.

I'm all about funerals. I come from a culture in which people make big efforts to attend funerals. I do it myself.

But you don't take off for three days to attend the funeral of someone you weren't close to in real life, unless you were close to a member of their family.

Funerals aren't a "plus one" event.

What's really tacky here is supporting someone in attending a funeral where they will offer no support to the mourners, but wi create obligations, and possibly expense, for them.

If one of my siblings died and the brother of one of their friends, who hadn't been close to either the sibling or any of us, showed up for an overnight stay, I would be Shock Hmm

What he is planning is really not cool on any level. He had no business treating someone's funeral as a social occasion.

Pumpkinpositive · 09/06/2015 22:59

sometimes people enjoy grieving it makes them feel grown up

Why would grieving make someone feel "grown up"?? Death is no respector of age. Confused

Original poster
Kookookichoo · 09/06/2015 23:14

Whatscomingoverthehill, it's a day's drive away, so a day there and back and a day for the funeral.
Vivianmary, why shouldn't I feel that it isn't ok, they are his responsibility as much as mine. Why should "millions of women have to do that every day" without men, is it intrinsically a woman's job? To be fair to him, he's pretty good about sharing childcare (as he should be, we both made the decision to have children) and I love looking after them, but it is a joint responsibility and one which needs to be considered when taking decisions. On this occasion I think he has the balance wrong.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 09/06/2015 23:19

I think it's less that it makes them feel grown up than that it makes them feel important and magnanimous.

sconequeen · 09/06/2015 23:22

What's really tacky here is supporting someone in attending a funeral where they will offer no support to the mourners, but wi create obligations, and possibly expense, for them.

Bathtimefunkster you have no idea whether this will be the case. It could equally be possible that the family might have known her DH's family for a long time through his sister and be grateful for his presence. His sister may also appreciate the support he will be able to give her.

If he feels he should go, I think he should if it can be arranged. There is no suggestion in OP's posts that he is a funeral junkie. And OP's statement that she doesn't want to have to look after her own children alone for three days actually sounds a bit selfish and/or wimpy. Not to mention rather ridiculous, given how many women have look after their children alone permanently or on a regular basis...

sconequeen · 09/06/2015 23:24

Why should "millions of women have to do that every day" without men, is it intrinsically a woman's job?

Just to add, having just seen this new post, that I think it would be equally ridiculous, if the situation was reversed, for the DH to complain about being left on his own with the children for a few days.

griselda101 · 09/06/2015 23:27

i think yanbu as it sounds a bit OTT for him to go all that way

that said I don't think you can argue it too far with him, as it's a sensitive matter

I would ask him to make it up to you some other way, or give you three days off to do something you want to do in return (a few days staying with mates?) while he looks after the kids to fair it up a bit.

And... you might really enjoy a bit of a break with him being away - you might not be able to party it up but get some mates over for a glass or two in the eve, plan something nice with the DCs and enjoy the space while it lasts!

MagicMojito · 09/06/2015 23:28

Everything that Bath said!

Yanbu. Its absolutely half OP's decision if shes the one expected to drop/change her plans and take care of THEIR children.
Yes, how very dare she have an opinion Hmm

VikingVolva · 09/06/2015 23:31

Don't answer if this is too personal, but when you say very close to his sister, do you mean friend, lover, (civil) partner or wife?

Aermingers · 09/06/2015 23:35

YABU. Apart from anything else, he is going to see his family. Do you expect to have to ask permission to go and see your family? How would you react to DP telling you that you could not see your family because it didn't suit him to change his plans? Do you view spending time with your own family as unnecessary holidays. I would love to see the reaction if a woman posted that her partner was refusing to let her go to the funeral of a childhood friend or support a family member because he couldn't be arsed to spend a couple of days looking after his own kids alone.

Original poster
Kookookichoo · 10/06/2015 00:02

Tbh looking after the kids isn't so much the issue, it's just that him going does have an effect on our life, that is all. It is a friend of his sister's, someone he didn't know very well, she (the sister) lives up there so doesn't have to travel, and as I said will have loads of people to support her (she will be supporting the family of her friend too). He would (rightly) think it was unreasonable of me if I went up to visit my family mid-week with only a few day's notice. I know that can't be helped in this case but I don't think it is reason enough given what I will have to cancel, juggle and change in order to accommodate it. If it were a close personal friend of his of course I would understand (and go myself) but it isn't. Of course his sister is upset and needs comforting but she has other people, including other family members, close by to help her. He isn't a funeral junkie, but I do think he's using it as an excuse. If he needed a few days away to recharge or whatever I would totally understand that, but not with such short notice, using up holiday we need and spending money on fuel etc we don't have. I'm not the totally selfish person some people seem to think I am (and to be fair neither is he, easy to draw big brush strokes in the Internet about people you don't know) but I think if you are going to disrupt family life like this I think it should be for a good reason and I don't think this is good enough. However, I wouldn't stop him, but I am grumpy about it!

OP posts:
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