To be grumpy with my OH for going to a funeral?

[Kookookichoo]

It's someone who is really close to his sister, he never professed a desire to see her in life and now he wants to make a 3 day round trip to attend the funeral. I've said no to me and the kids going (we'd met her once) but he still wants to. I can't say no but its making me really grumpy!

bath you obviously lack basic empathy. I genuinely think you might want to look into that.

What are you having to change though? Cancel or juggle? Are we talking a baby massage class, chemotherapy, a lunch with a friend or a hair cut? Unless it's something absolutely vital really you're being a bit selfish. Sorry. Unfortunately you don't get a lot of notice with deaths. It sounds like his friendship with her predated meeting you. I don't think you should rule out the importance of her friendship before you. And I don't think the fact he hasn't seen her while with you is very relevant; because if you're kicking off this much over a funeral I doubt you would have been very enamoured of the idea of a visit in her lifetime either.

YABVU

Also, there are a few bizarre assumptions being made here that I don't understand. For instance.

Why is it assumed your relationship with the deceased is the only reason you'd go to a funeral, especially one that relatives or friends will be grieving at?

Why would someone else's perception of your relationship with a third party POSSIBLY EVEN BE RELEVANT to gauging whether you'd be upset or wish to pay your respects if they died?

What does a man's level of communication with someone have to do with how much he would care if they died anyway? How could it possibly be used to tell?

Why would anyone feel entitled to decide how much someone else deserved to be at a funeral they felt moved to attend... how controlling is that?

I think YABU tbh.

I appreciate that the distance making it a 3 day trip is a pita but if he wants to be there for his sister then good for him.

When DH's best friend lost his parents (about 18 months apart) I attended the funerals along with DH. DH hadn't really seen his friend's parents for years and I had barely met them, but it was important to our friend (also our best man and DD's Godfather) that both of us were there, regardless of that.

I'm not kicking off, I'm on here to vent so I don't do it to him. We visit his family and friends often and, as I said earlier, cut short a holiday last year to go to the funeral of his close friend's mum. We only have one car, which he will need to take, so I will have to walk ds1 a mile to school and back, with ds2 who is 3, then on two of the day's walk another half a mile and back to da2's nursery. I'll have no way of getting to swimming classes so they are out. I also sing once a week, not much but it is important to me. All of these things manageable but an extra strain, and will eat into the few work hours I have in a day also. All totally manageable for a good reason, I suppose we disagree (him and I) that this is a good reason.

I appreciate that you probably don't want to BU or you wouldn't have posted this thread, but if you were acting like I couldn't go to a funeral I would actually say ftfo it's happening, and go pay my respects to my friend/old friend/whatever, or just support my sister and visit her with the kids to cheer her up, or whatever is going on there.

Funerals are a one time only thing, and missing one can not be taken back. My advice would be not to mess around with them.

It is a pain in the bum to miss a singing lesson and the kids to miss swimming and for you to have a slightly longer walk. The are not in anyway reasonable to stop him going to a funeral. Sorry.

He barely knew this person in life and almost never saw her.

I'm with Bathtime here. It seems like a pisstake to me.

I think attending the funeral of a virtual stranger is just weird. If that means I lack empathy then so be it.

I am sure that my sister and I each know a variety of different people the other doesn't know. I don't think either of us would be so daft as to expect the other to attend the funerals of virtual strangers.

Very odd IMHO.

Also going against the grain here by saying I think your feelings about this situation are perfectly acceptable.
Just because it's a funeral doesn't automatically mean that attendance is the right way to go.

Of course it's entirely relevant as to whether OP agrees to pick up the reigns/slack whilst he attends a funeral for somebody he barely knows, provides support for somebody who will already be sufficiently supported (by the sounds of it), has used up precious holiday time for and will be forking out long distance travel costs for.

If DH feels it that important to attend, then try to support him through gritted teeth but he should be made aware of the impact of his decision on the rest of his family, if only to air your thoughts & clear any tension that may have arisen since this became an issue.

I think yanbu.

Looks like he wants a few days peace away from kids to me.

Can he take the train instead? If it means that much to him surely he will move hell and high water to get there? Why does he automatically get the car when you have regular things that you need to get to/from?

Try 'of course - no worries, I'll drop you at the station and pick you up'.

I would say to him that of course he can go but he needs to get there by public transport as you need the car. He can get the train to the nearest station and then, if necessary, his sister can pick him up. I think his response to that suggestion will be pretty indicative of his motivations.

OP can I ask how long was your SIL friends with the deceased.
Its just that I have friends that have been around since childhood and my brothers know them. They're not close rarely speak to each other and it can be years between them seeing each other but there is still a feeling of closeness as they a part of my brothers childhood/teenage years.

I think he fancies a little holiday on his own and he's using the funeral as a way of doing it. Pretty horrible thing to do, really.

Why not suggest you all travel up for a weekend after the funeral to spend some time with his sister? That would probably be more useful to her as she'll be busy helping her friend's family at the funeral.

How far away is it? Why not take a train and do it in a day? We had a funeral to go to recently at the other end of the country and did it in a day. It just meant getting up very early, leaving the wake a bit early afterwards and getting home v late. Not ideal but at least we were able to pay our respects.

Unreasonable isn't the word! You're talking about disrupting just three days of your life so your husband can show his respect to someone who has died! Glad you are venting on here and not to your husband.

I'd be peeved, too, OP. Money is tight for us and annual leave is very precious, so there need to be good reasons for either of us to use them in unplanned ways. Ftr, no, 'it's a funeral is not, in itself a good enough reason. Your OH didn't have a relationship with the deceased in life, isn't being relied upon by his sister as sole support, and has clearly surprised you by intending to do this which does not imply that the death impacts him particularly, so I really do get where you're coming from.

Why does he have to have the car? If his attendance is so important surely he can make his way there by public transport?

bath you obviously lack basic empathy. I genuinely think you might want to look into that.

I lack empathy for a man trying to take off for three days for a funeral he had no good reason to attend.

You lack empathy for the woman being expected to cover his self-indulgence at no notice and without consultation.

Maybe you should look into that?

The idea that if someone wants to attend any funeral of anyone they've ever met, no matter how far away, or how inconvenient for other people, that it is automatically and definitely the right thing to do is so stupid I shouldn't be surprised to see so much of it trotted out here.

There are lots of ways to mourn and pay respects.

The standard thing to do for a sister's close friend (where you don't know the family), when the wedding is far away, is to send a condolence letter to the family, expressing your sadness at the parting, and with some nice stories about the deceased. You can also send flowers and/or donate to a nominated charity.

Then you support your grieving sister at home. In all the small ways people need.

Making a grand statement 3 day excursion to the funeral of someone you were not close to, when you don't know the family well, is just bizarre.

I can't see where there is any empathy at all for the family who have just lost a loved one in this plan, or the support of it at all costs.

Do you expect to have to ask permission to go and see your family?

Yes, if going would involve leaving my husband looking after our children midweek with no notice.

As a person in his own right, I don't think it's acceptable for me to dump responsibilities on him without his agreement.

But I know from Mumsnet that a lot of people don't think this applies for women.

My friend's mum died last year, I hadn't seen her for about 10 years and never knew her that well, but I went to the funeral to support my friend.

Three days to attend the funeral of someone he barely knew and showed little interest in when she was alive?

Yep, he's having a holiday.

I think, if this is someone his sister has know a long time and he feels strongly he wants to go, there's a good chance he was also close to her in their past, or would have liked to be. Which is fine.

If it is because he wants to go home, support his sister, or have a bit of a holiday, I would support that too, provided it wasn't too disruptive. i.e. if the cost meant I'd have to sacrifice a new pair of shoes I didn't need, that's OK, if it meant no school shoes, that's not. If it meant rearranging my weekend so I had to see a film another time, OK, if I'd miss DSis' graduation maybe not.

If it were my DH and I thought he was trying to manipulate things so he got a few days away with his family, I'd be quite concerned as to why that might be - why he couldn't just say that's what he'd like to do.

Unless he has form for making selfish short notice arrangements.

YANBU to be a bit grumpy about it but what seems strange to me is that you haven't quietly asked him, directly, why.

A simple, I'm trying to understand and I'm wondering why you would feel the need to attend her funeral...type Q

ASk him open questions, in a nice way and get him to talk to you about his need to go

He must have a reason that is compelling him and it might be that he wants to spend time with his sister alone and this, although mawkish, is his chance.
It maybe that the deceased meant something to him in life that he never expressed.

BathtimeFunkster

A friend from work's dad died. I went even though I'd never met him.

I think you are trying to make a good point but (typical mumsnet) going way too far. You don't know what the "standard" thing is and honestly, it seems completely incorrect based on what I've seen. You don't know if it would impose on the family, calling people funeral junkies or saying they go to funerals to feel grown up is just laughable crap.

Basically, you don't think he needs to go, right? But typical mumsnet keyboard warrior style, you can't just say that. You have to start flinging insults and exaggerations and making overly generalized statements. I think you do lack empathy tbh.

To the OP: raise it or quit whining. Passive aggressively giving half consent whilst punishing him for it is so childish.