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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you don't KNOW someone's pregnant you shouldn't comment on their bump?

79 replies

DrinkGirlsFeck · 09/06/2015 08:30

At the weekend, I was sorting out the DC in the foyer of the pool. I mentioned to a woman that it was unusually hot and she said "yes, my friend and I were just saying it must be even worse for you with a bump."

It goes without saying I'm not pregnant. clearly just fat at most I look 5 months gone, not 8)

In my (and to an extent her) defence I have been losing weight and have been left with slimmer legs etc and a 'mr man' belly. Thanks dc.

But JUST DON'T ask about a bump if don't know it's a fucking baby.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 09/06/2015 08:37

The woman was trying to make conversation.

I always look at the intent behind things. Does not seem like any malicious intent from her.

And she thought it was a baby. If you look preggers and you don't want folk to comment or congratulate you then I think you know what you gotta do.............

Wishful80smontage · 09/06/2015 08:40

Well I think it's incredibly rude. I would never dream of saying that unless I was sure. You just don't!

FishCanFly · 09/06/2015 08:42

A shopkeeper once said: "oh you! Again?" When i was pushing an empty pram full of shopping destined for friends' baby shower.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2015 08:43

I never mention if I think someone is pregnant, until they actually tell me.

But I managed to offend someone because when she finally mentioned it, I congratulated her.

She said, "Oh finally. I thought you were never going to congratulate me".

I said something along the lines of, "Sorry but I wasn't sure" and she said "Oh charming. So you thought I was just fat then??"

Can't bloody win!

ScottishDiblet · 09/06/2015 08:44

this happens to me the whole time. I am two years post partum but have a big tummy. It's mortifying. I even get offered seats on trains in big bad commuter land London where no-one voluntarily gives up their seat! I just have to accept it's the way I look at the moment (and keep working on losing the tum!). For what it's worth of course people shouldn't assume you are pg but try not to be offended.

Mulligrubs · 09/06/2015 08:46

Unless you happen see a baby coming out of a woman's vagina you just don't comment about pregnancy if she hasn't mentioned being pregnant herself! That is what I feel anyway. If she hasn't told you, you just do not comment, it is very rude!

dingit · 09/06/2015 08:49

I once congratulated someone on their pregnancy ( it was years since I had seen them, but knew she was). She replied that the baby was at home with a sitter

Original poster

DrinkGirlsFeck · 09/06/2015 08:54

Quitelikely, that's what I'm trying to do. But with a connective tissue disorder and separated muscles in my abdomen it's not quite as easy as I would hope. I guess I need to get Spanx or a tummy tuck.

I know she wasn't trying to destroy my self confidence - it was just a happy accident.

OP posts:

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 09/06/2015 08:55

Oh I learned my lesson the hard way with this.

School gate mum had been pregnant for ages - after easter holidays I seen her and said "wow you can't have long to go now your bump is huge" - as I get the death stare and she points to her husband standing with her 2 week old newborn just a little bit away. Funnily enough she has never really spoke to me again!

Original poster

DrinkGirlsFeck · 09/06/2015 08:56

Scottish, sorry to hear that. I hope you take the seat anyway

OP posts:

ItsTricky · 09/06/2015 09:07

Willis - that's not really offensive is it? She's being a twat if she took offence to that. No one's tummy twings back that fast.

Flambola · 09/06/2015 09:11

I was really, really cruel once and told a man who asked me when I was due that I wasn't pregnant (I was!).

OrlandoWoolf · 09/06/2015 09:14

Things I've learnt on MN. I knew it anyway - a bump doesn't mean you're pregnant.

It could be someone has a bump but it's not pregnancy and they might want to be pregnant.

And as for the seats - well people would be upset if they were pregnant, tired and did not get offered a seat. And they might be upset if people assumed they were pregnant and offered them a seat.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 09/06/2015 09:14

I have a friend who is nearly 7 months pregnant and still just looks big but slightly pregnant if that makes sense so I've had people ask me if she's pregnant before congratulating her. I would never mention it to someone though unless they told me. I'd be absolutely mortified if I got it wrong!

AuntyMag10 · 09/06/2015 09:14

I think if you really do look pregnant then you can't really blame someone can you. People are offended when not offered a seat anywhere then when asked if they are pregnant they are offended again. Can't win.

NobodyLivesHere · 09/06/2015 09:24

My sister once said to me 'T (her husband) just said to me Nobody has whacked on some weight, he didn't realise you were pregnant'. It made me feel great that I obviously didn't look pregnant, just fat AND my BIL thinks that's an ok way to talk about me'

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/06/2015 09:26

I never presume someone is pregnant, I always wait to be told.

I have been asked a few times when I wasn't pregnant, I tend to carry excess weight on my tummy, although I have never actually looked pregnant. Just like a lady with a flabby tummy. It does tend to be when I am bloated or wearing an unflattering top. When someone asked years ago I was mortified. Now I focus on their thoughtlessness and audacity.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/06/2015 09:31

There is a difference between offering someone a seat out of concern and possibly getting it wrong and an overweight woman being upset, and a near stranger striding up and asking for no reason than their own nosiness, and not being thoughtful enough to ask in a subtler way.

whatever22 · 09/06/2015 09:42

This weekend I met up with a friend who was obviously visibly pregnant, but it felt rude to look at her and say 'wow your so big that must be a baby in there', so instead I didnt. We chatted for a good
while, and then she told me she was pregnant.... And it felt really weird and false to say 'oh, congrats', as if I didn't already know. (I really hope she didn't interpret my feeling awkward as not being thrilled!)

Basically, I feel you can't win this situation. If you assume someone is pregnant it could be bad, but if you assume someone might not be pregnant and they are, then you are implying you thought they were just fat...

Original poster

DrinkGirlsFeck · 09/06/2015 09:43

Agreed, but I didn't need a seat, (don't mind if people offer on public transport as sometimes I do just if someone's looking more in need of it than me, and I'd rather be mildly offended than a genuinely pregnant person didn't get a seat). And I wasn't commenting on anything that could have been construed as pregnancy related ... Just have to suck it up I guess.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2015 09:44

Willis - that's not really offensive is it? She's being a twat if she took offence to that. No one's tummy twings back that fast.

Some tummies do twing back that fast though, especially if the woman didn't gain much more than the weight of the baby.

Maybe that's why she took offence?

Still bloody daft though.

Original poster

DrinkGirlsFeck · 09/06/2015 09:53

I kind of think though that if you've not mentioned a pregnant to a friend,who then tells you , it'd be completely fine to say "well, I thought so but wasn't sure if you were announcing yet so didn't want to say anything"? Especially as they might be earlier on than you think and could be similarly offended if you assume they're 6 months gone and in fact they're only 13 weeks.

I generally take the view that unless someone has mentioned it explicitly it's not my place to comment on anyone's physique. I mean , I could have passed comment about how tricky it is to find the time to get your roots done with small children, but that would have been rude . So I smiled a rictus grin, opened my kindle and ignored.

OP posts:

tbtc · 09/06/2015 10:00

Boss: This is Kate, she's just returned from maternity leave
Japanese colleague: Oh lovely, when is the baby due
Kate: ermmm, I had the baby 4 months ago.
Japanese colleague:

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 09/06/2015 10:39

It's happened twice to me.

First time, nearly a year after dd1, the woman working in the post office said "wow, number 2 on the way already!". Umm, no

Actually, now I've written that, maybe she thought I looked like I needed a poo.

Second time, about a year after dd2, a woman who had not long lived in the town gave me gushing congratulations on being pg again. I wasn't. She was mortified, and I did my best to not make her feel bad by saying "haha, yes this jumper does look like a maternity jumper, but no I'm just fat!" (I wasn't even fat so doubly confusing really).

After that, she blanked me on the school run and would glare at me instead of smile. Very odd.

roofio87 · 09/06/2015 10:46

this happened to me a few weeks ago. the elderly mother of the woman who runs our local toddler group asked if I was expecting. I am not. at least she asked nicely, and I think she had an old lady 'fuck it, I'll just ask' mentality!!

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