Would you tell BIL that MIL had died?

[BouncingFrog]

Have name changed for this as the facts may identify me.

This is more a WWYD, rather than an AIBU as DH has no idea what to do. It may be long and I'll try not to drip feed.

Long story short. BIL and SIL are no-contact with the rest of the family and have been since 2008, following a very spectacular family row regarding the family business which BIL & SIL caused by their behaviour, and resulted in very expensive, drawn out legal action.

MIL was very close to BIL (BIL was her PFB favoured son) and was devastated by this, but sucked it up and dealt with the no contact because that was BIL's choice and she was between a rock and a hard place choosing between BIL & DH/FIL. She tried to offer olive branches and contact BIL via friends, but was blanked. She then was very ill and ended up in hospital.

DH rang BIL at work to let him know that their mum was gravely ill. DH had to leave a voice message, which we know BIL got, because although he didn't bother to visit, BIL sent a get well card to the hospital. MIL then came out of hospital, developed really serious dementia and ended up in a nursing home. Where she currently is. She is going downhill rapidly, as in, the grim reaper is knocking.

BIL knows that MIL is very ill, as he attended a local funeral for a family friend where he was seen by DH and a number of mutual friends - 2 of whom made a deliberate point of telling him that his mother was very, very ill and that she was in a nursing home. That knowledge still didn't facilitate contact from BIL.

We currently have no idea where BIL lives because he moved away, nor do we have current phone numbers for him because he changed job. We can track him down via various mutual contacts if we really have to, but it will be very laborious.

The family rift between BIL and DH/PIL is HUGE. There is absolutely no question - it will never be repaired because there is far too much bad blood because of the family row, and consequences of BIL's actions were too horrific. DH is still salvaging the business and will be for at least another 5 years. PIL had to give up their retirement and home to secure it. FIL wants to kill BIL if he ever sees him again. It's not good.

So if you've read this far, thank you. The question is - WWYD? Would you tell BIL that MIL had died, or would you say fuck it, he doesn't deserve to know?

DH is torn and has no idea what to do when his mum eventually dies. On one hand, he is saying not to bother telling BIL because he clearly doesn't give a shit about MIL, has never visited her, has never asked after her, so doesn't need to know - he deserves to find out by accident.

The other part of DH is saying, well actually he DOES need to know because it's his mum, DH should play the bigger person and give BIL the chance to pay his last respects at her funeral.

I'm staying out of DH's decision making process and supporting what ever choice he makes, because I will not tell him what to do. I am however his sounding board. ~

MN collective- I'm looking for help!

Its his mother, he should know and thats it really

I agree with Allswellhere. That option gives BIL a chance to see his mother before she dies. From what you say, she'd like that. After that, it doesn't really matter, does it?

Is there any chance BIL will question her will/try to come after FIL for some money when she does die? He could be quite unpleasant if he chose to be.

I think I'd do what ilovemargaretattwood suggests - notify him of the death, but don't give him the details of the funeral. He would still be able to visit her grave or wherever her ashes were interred or scattered, and make his own private remembrances, if he wanted to, but your FIL wouldn't have to know about it or see him there.

I also think Allswellhere's suggestion is the best so far, giving the decision making back to BIL (so he can't later claim that "and you didn't even tell me my mum died"), and also means that in the imediate aftermath of losing his mother, your DH isn't having to deal with speaking with his brother. Even if your MIL's death is expected, it could be very hard for your DH when it finally happens. See if you can get him to agree to do that over the next day or so and get it out of the way.

It's possible that BIL could question MIL's will when she dies, bronya, but it's unlikely he'll get anywhere because the last will we had knowledge of she'd written BIL out of it and said why.

However, it is entirely reasonable that MIL has changed her will since she wrote the last one. When she was in the very early stages of dementia, she was trying to divorce FIL because she was utterly convinced he was having an affair with the next door neighbour. She made the leap from FIL stroking NDN dog and talking to her outside the front door, which he used to do regularly because a) he likes dogs and b) the neighbour was friendly, to FIL apparently shagging NDN 4 or 5 times a day when MIL was on the toilet! Never mind the NDN was a married lady in her 30's with 3 kids and a lovely DH and FIL is in his 70's with mobility problems and arthritis!

We know that MIL went to see the solicitor several times before DH found out and had to step in with POA and tell the solicitor that she had diagnosed vascular dementia, so in reality until MIL dies and we contact the solicitor for a copy of her will, we have no idea whether it's the one we know about or a different one.

It's a bloody mess, TBH.

Very sorry for you being involved in all this. Dementia puts and added and awful twist in the tale. It's such a cruel fucker of and illness.

Do you think it might be a good idea to contact the solicitor now for a copy of the will? Doesn't FiL have a copy of it? I don't know about in the UK, but here (US) many married couples have joint wills.

If MiL has made a will that was affected by her dementia, I'd think it'd be a better idea to try to straighten things out whilst she's still living and can be evaluated by doctors.

My mum has dementia. It's a cruel bastard of a disease.

Allswell I think has it right. Excellent advice, good luck OP.

MiL is in a nursing home. Send a message to BiL giving him the Nursing Home's contact details and telling him that they will need his details if they need to get in touch. Ball then in his court. That deals wit the contact question.

I get however that the funeral issue is separate. He could come to the service/creamtion/burial but not to the wake/gathering/drinks afterwards.

I think you should let him know. My DM was NC with her DM my grandmother for over 5 years and often told me about how she felt as if she had already died in her eyes.
I let her know as she got ill, and she still refused to make contact. I explained how her illness meant she no longer knew why they were NC and it didn't sway her.
I called my DM the day my GM died and she took the news with a strange detached ness, it was like I called to tell her a friend of mine had passed, not her mother. I thought after the call she was not going to attend the funeral. However, a couple of days later she got in touch wanting to know about the funeral and did attend in the day, though she showed little emotion and maintained that she was there to support me.
Who knows, maybe that was the reason, maybe it wasn't. I am glad that I gave her the option.