Would you tell BIL that MIL had died?

[BouncingFrog]

Have name changed for this as the facts may identify me.

This is more a WWYD, rather than an AIBU as DH has no idea what to do. It may be long and I'll try not to drip feed.

Long story short. BIL and SIL are no-contact with the rest of the family and have been since 2008, following a very spectacular family row regarding the family business which BIL & SIL caused by their behaviour, and resulted in very expensive, drawn out legal action.

MIL was very close to BIL (BIL was her PFB favoured son) and was devastated by this, but sucked it up and dealt with the no contact because that was BIL's choice and she was between a rock and a hard place choosing between BIL & DH/FIL. She tried to offer olive branches and contact BIL via friends, but was blanked. She then was very ill and ended up in hospital.

DH rang BIL at work to let him know that their mum was gravely ill. DH had to leave a voice message, which we know BIL got, because although he didn't bother to visit, BIL sent a get well card to the hospital. MIL then came out of hospital, developed really serious dementia and ended up in a nursing home. Where she currently is. She is going downhill rapidly, as in, the grim reaper is knocking.

BIL knows that MIL is very ill, as he attended a local funeral for a family friend where he was seen by DH and a number of mutual friends - 2 of whom made a deliberate point of telling him that his mother was very, very ill and that she was in a nursing home. That knowledge still didn't facilitate contact from BIL.

We currently have no idea where BIL lives because he moved away, nor do we have current phone numbers for him because he changed job. We can track him down via various mutual contacts if we really have to, but it will be very laborious.

The family rift between BIL and DH/PIL is HUGE. There is absolutely no question - it will never be repaired because there is far too much bad blood because of the family row, and consequences of BIL's actions were too horrific. DH is still salvaging the business and will be for at least another 5 years. PIL had to give up their retirement and home to secure it. FIL wants to kill BIL if he ever sees him again. It's not good.

So if you've read this far, thank you. The question is - WWYD? Would you tell BIL that MIL had died, or would you say fuck it, he doesn't deserve to know?

DH is torn and has no idea what to do when his mum eventually dies. On one hand, he is saying not to bother telling BIL because he clearly doesn't give a shit about MIL, has never visited her, has never asked after her, so doesn't need to know - he deserves to find out by accident.

The other part of DH is saying, well actually he DOES need to know because it's his mum, DH should play the bigger person and give BIL the chance to pay his last respects at her funeral.

I'm staying out of DH's decision making process and supporting what ever choice he makes, because I will not tell him what to do. I am however his sounding board. ~

MN collective- I'm looking for help!

Do you know/guess what MIL would want?

What an awful situation though.

I think I'd encourage your DH to discuss it with your FIL if that's possible.

It seems a terrible thing to not inform a child about their mothers funeral, but your BIL has put himself in this position and my sympathies are with your FIL. It will be hard for him to bury his wife without seeing (from his point of view perhaps) a son who neglected to visit his dying mother there. It seems to me that if your BIL can't put his feelings aside and be there for his mother when she'd want him, he loses his 'right' to turn up to her funeral.

Cross posted quite badly there.

If FIL really feels that strongly then perhaps you should leave the decision up to him.

Although I suspect your DH will still somehow be blamed by BIL in the future for not informing his brother regardless.

Oh, sorry, massive crossposts!

Yes I'd absolutely still tell him, no doubt

"Do you know/guess what MIL would want?" - this.

I'd agree that he must be told. But I would explain to some of those mutual friends that he is not in contact after a rift so no family has his current details. Ask them to pass on the details.

We did this when my Nana dad, poisonously grabby aunt was told by a near neighbour. She arrived, played lady bountiful, told us to fuck off when we asked if she would like to join the family care/courtege, spent some time telling a nice looking chap how badly we had all treated her and flounced off in tears when that chap turned out to be her grand nephew, who knew all about her shenanigans

The moral high ground made all of her sibs feel better about themselves, no one felt they had done her down and that their mum would have been proud of them. And that, basically, is all that matters.

I hope your DH can find his own way to a similar conclusion.

If MIL had her way, she'd have resolved everything with BIL, put her feelings to one side and tried to rebuild her relationship with him. She would probably want him told, but she wouldn't want him told if it hurt DH, if that makes sense?

But having read your last post... FILs opinion overrides all else.

It would seem your BILs pigeons are home to roost and he will have to find out via the death notice.

I'm going against the grain here and saying you shouldn't tell him. If after all this time he has not bothered why are you and your dh fascinated by his whereabouts and making sure he knows stuff.

I think you've told him that mil is ill so leave it at that and forgot about this person who you all dot care about instead of think about him in future possible scenarios.

You seem too much about some who has chose to go no contact

They should be told. Even if they dont attend the funeral because of the potential fall out with your FIL they could at least pay respects at the funeral home if they wanted to.

I agree with PP that he needs to be informed somehow. I'm slightly worried about what your FIL might do if your BIL turns up at the funeral though. Could your husband discuss it with his father? After all, it's probably FIL's news to tell, when the time comes.

respect your fil wishes after all its his side your on so why risk the fallout

I wouldn't bother telling him. He isn't interested.

I would tell him that she had passed but not funeral arrangements.

Sorry your family is dealing with this

Would the BIL turn up at the funeral do you think? If so, you could wait until afterwards to let him know. Or give him limited information, though he'd find out if he wanted to. FIL's feelings on the day are most important.

If after all this time he has not bothered why are you and your dh fascinated by his whereabouts and making sure he knows stuff.

This is not stuff!!! They are not informing him the family pet has died they are informing him that his mother is going to/has died.

Nobody is saying that bridges should be built but informing him is the right thing to do. Maybe I am just a different kind of person but I know I couldn't live with the guilt of not telling my sibling.

The police will tell him (obviously not as a priority) but because they will assist tracking him down. We had to get them to track down and tell my uncle about my grans death because no one knew where he was (it says it all that Essex police force KNEW him so therefore didn't need to do much looking) so it's not a waste of resources and they'll tell
You if they don't want to get involved.

That said, I would leave the decision to FIL I think, it's his son. Also DB could easily find out himself and he's an adult so I wouldn't worry too much. Hope your mil is comfortable

I come from a very fractured family in some respects but even then I would always let someone know a person was very ill, or had died.

Your MIL would also want her son to know she had died. Its also her right that her son should know.

Im not too sure how finding him would be hard given that he was found and informed someone else had died, so what I's bring him up to speed on how ill your MIL is and where she is, and also tell him that when she dies you will let him know. What he does with the information is up to him but this is no time for making a decision that can never be reversed should your MIL die and he isn't told.

mmollytoots - I couldn't give a flying shit about BIL or whether he is told.

My personal opinion is that he shouldn't be told, he can fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then fuck off some more and then for good measure fuck off even more. I feel like that because I have seen how hurt DH, FIL and MIL were by his actions. I barely know the bloke, which is why I'm so detached from giving a shit about him.

Who I do care about, is my DH. He was desperately hurt by what his brother did and still can't work out why he did it. He is beating himself up over what his mum would want, what his dad wants (and his dad can be a right bombastic cunt, and no doubt contributed to BIL doing what he did) and what the right thing to do is. Hence, me posting to MN for advice.

Molly just because someone goes no contact, it does mean the family forget them. Especially at times like these. What a bizarre post. The OP is not fascinated in anyway. She is trying to help her dh make a decision.

I wouldn't tell him and I most certainly wouldn't tell him before the funeral. Your FIL needs to be able to go to his wife's funeral without the BIL there.
The BIL knows she is very ill and if he was AT ALL interested he would have made an effort to get in touch, and made sure you could get in touch with him. He had his chance to be the bigger person then and now and has chosen not to

Sorry your going through this. I haven't rtft but surely that's fil's decision to make not yours or DH's?

I worry about your FIL coping with the funeral of his DW, which will be bad enough for him as it is. How much worse will it be for him if his son turns up from whom he is so painfully estranged? I would be weighing the potential damage to him of this, and the potential damage to your BIL of not knowing, and balancing them by how much each person deserves that pain.

Given BIL has made no effort to visit his mother in her current plight, I would be very much more inclined to prioritise FILs interests on this one.

Tell him including funeral arrangements somehow. She gave birth to him. She would want whatever has gone on.
There may even be a scene should he cross paths with your FIL. But your Bil is entitled to know. It's his mother.