Would you tell BIL that MIL had died?

[BouncingFrog]

Have name changed for this as the facts may identify me.

This is more a WWYD, rather than an AIBU as DH has no idea what to do. It may be long and I'll try not to drip feed.

Long story short. BIL and SIL are no-contact with the rest of the family and have been since 2008, following a very spectacular family row regarding the family business which BIL & SIL caused by their behaviour, and resulted in very expensive, drawn out legal action.

MIL was very close to BIL (BIL was her PFB favoured son) and was devastated by this, but sucked it up and dealt with the no contact because that was BIL's choice and she was between a rock and a hard place choosing between BIL & DH/FIL. She tried to offer olive branches and contact BIL via friends, but was blanked. She then was very ill and ended up in hospital.

DH rang BIL at work to let him know that their mum was gravely ill. DH had to leave a voice message, which we know BIL got, because although he didn't bother to visit, BIL sent a get well card to the hospital. MIL then came out of hospital, developed really serious dementia and ended up in a nursing home. Where she currently is. She is going downhill rapidly, as in, the grim reaper is knocking.

BIL knows that MIL is very ill, as he attended a local funeral for a family friend where he was seen by DH and a number of mutual friends - 2 of whom made a deliberate point of telling him that his mother was very, very ill and that she was in a nursing home. That knowledge still didn't facilitate contact from BIL.

We currently have no idea where BIL lives because he moved away, nor do we have current phone numbers for him because he changed job. We can track him down via various mutual contacts if we really have to, but it will be very laborious.

The family rift between BIL and DH/PIL is HUGE. There is absolutely no question - it will never be repaired because there is far too much bad blood because of the family row, and consequences of BIL's actions were too horrific. DH is still salvaging the business and will be for at least another 5 years. PIL had to give up their retirement and home to secure it. FIL wants to kill BIL if he ever sees him again. It's not good.

So if you've read this far, thank you. The question is - WWYD? Would you tell BIL that MIL had died, or would you say fuck it, he doesn't deserve to know?

DH is torn and has no idea what to do when his mum eventually dies. On one hand, he is saying not to bother telling BIL because he clearly doesn't give a shit about MIL, has never visited her, has never asked after her, so doesn't need to know - he deserves to find out by accident.

The other part of DH is saying, well actually he DOES need to know because it's his mum, DH should play the bigger person and give BIL the chance to pay his last respects at her funeral.

I'm staying out of DH's decision making process and supporting what ever choice he makes, because I will not tell him what to do. I am however his sounding board. ~

MN collective- I'm looking for help!

I favour telling him one more time that she is gravely ill and will die very soon. Then see if he responds to that or not. If he realises it is genuinely his last chance, he might swallow his stubborness. Then again, how bad is the dementia - will she even know him if he visits now?

Tell him, but don't volunteer funeral arrangements.

I got a load of aggro for not telling an immediate relativery about the death of a distant relative. I'd only seen the deceased a few times and not for many years, so it didn't occur to me to pass on the news to my relative who'd recently become estranged from the parts of the family who'd have passed on the news. The two hadn't had contact for some time, but not passing the news on has added another lasting grudge to an already strained relationship.

He hasn't bothered with the news of how ill she is. That's how much he cares.

It will upset your FiL immeasurably if he comes to the funeral.

If he must be told, then tell him after the funeral. Personally I wouldn't bother.

I admit I'm biased. We're in a similar position so the above is what I think should happen in our situation too.

I wouldn't tell him. Your mil has dementia anyways, so unlikely she will care. It sounds like he caused a lot of trouble for everyone, and caused finacual ruin just about, for the family. The only reason I would tell him would be if she was calling for him.

Please excuse errors. ^

I'd let him know. I wouldn't volunteer any funeral details, and would literally just write or phone and say 'Hello, I'm writing/calling to let you know that DM has died.' And let that be all. Could someone else tell him, one of his friends who you'd track him down through? What I mean is, just tell him the fact that she's died and absolutely nothing else, because it sounds as if you are never, ever going to be in contact again.

Your bil does not sound decent, everything he's done sounds mean and wrong. In that respect, he doesn't 'deserve' to be treated decently or kindly by the people he hurt terribly. But, I'd not feel quite right about not telling him.

The ball would be in his court as to whether he engages with you or enquires further, but then it already is I suppose. And he's totally NC. I doubt that will change.

I don't mean this to sound cruel, but sadly realistic, however the next and only other time you/your dh will need to ever contact him will be when someone else dies, such as his father. You sound full of anger and hatred towards him, with good reason. But you never need to see him again, and this will be one of the very last times that you/your dh would ever be in contact with him. So try not to dwell on the contact iyswim. Just get it over with and try to move forward, without him in your lives.

I'm very sorry about your mil, and sorry for the awful situation that bil has put you all in. I would still tell him though.

While reading the early part of the thread I thought BIL should be told ASAP when it happens. But FIL's feelings override other considerations. If you tell BIL it should be after the funeral - BIL should not get the chance to be there and make a bad day worse.

I would also try to tell him I think, but just that she has died, not the funeral arrangements. It wouldn't be fair on FIL for him to turn up at the funeral, sounds like it would be an extremely bad place for them to meet after all that time.

FIL's wishes would need to be respected, it isn't DH's or your place to inform your BIL. Realistically one of the mutual acquaintances will inform BIL, he may not attend funeral but expect to hear from him via a solicitor re the will.

Yes, I agree he could show up and upset people, it sounds likely his appearance will create a scene at your mothers death bed or funeral. I hope if he shows (I don't think that he will) everyone can politely smile and nod at him when necessary, and don't tell him about any wake or gathering afterwards.

"BIL should not get the chance to be there and make a bad day worse."

Is it certain that he would do this though?

I'm not sure that preventing him going to the funeral by telling him afterwards is the way to go.

He has behaved badly & cut himself off from his family.

Does that mean that he's "not allowed" to pay his last respects if he wants to?

I'd tell him, and hope like hell he doesn't attend the funeral. When funerals turn into huge horrible war zones it's just awful.

Not read the whole thread yet but I would definitely do whatever your fil wants. It is his wife and his son. He will have lost his wife and that's not the time to be throwing bil back into the mix by risking him turning up to the funeral.

Dh ,dsis died suddenly and because of circumstances he wasn't invited to the funeral that's something we can never forgive as we never got a chance to say goodbuy I think your bil should be told them its up to him.

How would your mil feel about her son not being told and not being given the chance to attend the funeral?

As its convention to put a death notice with details of funeral in the local paper in most communities ,it is likely BIL will find out anyway? I would make efforts to let him know ,personally ,the bare facts , and make it clear that FIL does not want him at the funeral -though I suppose you run the risk of his thinking 'sod them '
But I would also be trying to make sure if he does turn up some trusted friends are detailed to make sure he doesn't approach the family and if he tries to or makes a scene to remove him (by force if necessary) as unobtrusively as possible and before FIL gets angry/upset .Closest family usually arrives last, with the hearse and sits at front of crematorium or church ,so this should be feasible .
My personal view ,as expressed up thread ,is that there is primal
bond between mother and child and when it comes to it he may genuinely wish to be there ,irrespective of his not visiting her. If he is prepared to stand quietly at the back ,pay his respects and leave without speaking to anyone then I think he should be allowed to do so .Death is so very final and you cannot predict how people might react .

I would tell him - no question. It's up to him to then do what he wants with the information.

I was in a slightly similar situation recently. My DSIS and I reasoned we should tell the person in question and we would then have discharged our duty.

My initial thought was that he shodul be told in the knowledge that he won't attend the funeral.
My second thought is that he should be told now so that he has the opportunity to visit his Mother who loves him and would heal the rift if she could. That would be for your MIL, rather than her errant son.
Telling him after the event would be for BILs benefit and your DH/FIL don't want to do something for BIL.

I think you should act now, otherwise MIL's passing will become all about the rift with BIL rather than her.

Here's what I'd do. Contact BIL NOW making very clear, so he's in no doubt that these are his mother's final days. State clearly that if he wishes to be informed of her death HE needs to contact the nursing home NOW, leaving his details and they will contact him upon his mother's death. This puts the onus back onto him - if he doesn't contact the nursing home then he has made the decision not to find out about her death. Let the nursing home know about this, however they shouldn't give details about funeral arrangements. If he wants to know about the arrangements he will have to make contact. I think if you do it this way DH won't need to feel bad as he has given his brother the option - it is then BIL's choice how he acts. On the day of funeral have a couple of level headed, trusted people who aren't emotionally involved sat at the back of the church so if he does show they ensure either he sits at the back or if he causes trouble can remove him...if it came to that.

Not only tell him, but do all you can NOW to give them (both your BiL and your MiL) a chance to say goodbye before it's too late.

Do the decent thing.

TBH I don't think that FIL's or MIL's wishes are what the OP's DH needs to take into account as it's clear that there are huge differences between what either of them want. It's up to your DH to decide what is best for himself in the long run.

Personally I think he should be told. For all the family knows he may have been ringing the nursing home (unlikely from what the OP has said, but you never know...). Either that or, if he really is NC to the point of ignoring his mother's serious illness and death, it's unlikely that he'll come to the funeral anyway.

I would find a mutual acquaintance and send a message - "We thought you ought to know that MIL is deteriorating rapidly and that she is likely to die before the end of the month (or whatever you feel re timescales obv). If you wish to be contacted with any further updates, please let us know. If you prefer, a message could be passed on via or otherwise you can contact us on . We will not contact you again if we don't hear back."

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this in top of what is already an awful time. All the best .

I can fully understand why you posted here and it is very tempting to weigh in with what might seem morally right or wrong. But I'm not sure that anyone can really answer this question without knowing your DH, the history of his family's rift and where that really leaves everyone now.

My family is very complex and there is no way I could ever really explain it in a book let alone in a thread on the internet.

The important thing is that your DH must be able to live with the decision that he makes and the consequences of that decision.

If he tells his brother and then brother turns up at the funeral what would happen?

If his brother found out after the funeral and had missed any chance to pay his respects what would happen?

I tend to the view that there's not much point in telling him. Your MIL will be dead and past caring (and my sympathy for all you're going through, dementia is a very cruel disease), and your BIL won't have had the chance to say goodbye to her anyway. I'd think about telling him when she's close to death (I know you say he knows she's very gravely ill, but sometimes people do need it to be spelled out) and if he can't be bothered to see her before she dies, he'll have made his views clear, and you can decline to tell him about her death with a clear conscience. I'd agree with PP that you need to make the funeral as stressless as possible for your DH and FIL.

For what it's worth, my adult DCs are NC with their father and they've said that they wouldn't be bothered if they weren't informed about his death and would only plan to attend his funeral if their DGM wanted them there to support her.

Thank you all. Allswellhere - I very much like your suggestion, because it means that DH can place the ball very firmly in BIL's court and he will have discharged his "duty".

IF BIL turned up at MIL's funeral (and it's a HUGE IF), then I suspect he'd stay quietly at the back out of the way. My Dbro and my dad would deal with the situation if he had to, so that there wasn't a scene. Personally, I doubt BIL would turn up. The rural community around here is very tight and he's not well thought of.

We'll see, but I do very much like the spell it out to him that MIL is ill, so he needs to visit and get the nursing home to inform him when she dies.