Would you tell BIL that MIL had died?

[BouncingFrog]

Have name changed for this as the facts may identify me.

This is more a WWYD, rather than an AIBU as DH has no idea what to do. It may be long and I'll try not to drip feed.

Long story short. BIL and SIL are no-contact with the rest of the family and have been since 2008, following a very spectacular family row regarding the family business which BIL & SIL caused by their behaviour, and resulted in very expensive, drawn out legal action.

MIL was very close to BIL (BIL was her PFB favoured son) and was devastated by this, but sucked it up and dealt with the no contact because that was BIL's choice and she was between a rock and a hard place choosing between BIL & DH/FIL. She tried to offer olive branches and contact BIL via friends, but was blanked. She then was very ill and ended up in hospital.

DH rang BIL at work to let him know that their mum was gravely ill. DH had to leave a voice message, which we know BIL got, because although he didn't bother to visit, BIL sent a get well card to the hospital. MIL then came out of hospital, developed really serious dementia and ended up in a nursing home. Where she currently is. She is going downhill rapidly, as in, the grim reaper is knocking.

BIL knows that MIL is very ill, as he attended a local funeral for a family friend where he was seen by DH and a number of mutual friends - 2 of whom made a deliberate point of telling him that his mother was very, very ill and that she was in a nursing home. That knowledge still didn't facilitate contact from BIL.

We currently have no idea where BIL lives because he moved away, nor do we have current phone numbers for him because he changed job. We can track him down via various mutual contacts if we really have to, but it will be very laborious.

The family rift between BIL and DH/PIL is HUGE. There is absolutely no question - it will never be repaired because there is far too much bad blood because of the family row, and consequences of BIL's actions were too horrific. DH is still salvaging the business and will be for at least another 5 years. PIL had to give up their retirement and home to secure it. FIL wants to kill BIL if he ever sees him again. It's not good.

So if you've read this far, thank you. The question is - WWYD? Would you tell BIL that MIL had died, or would you say fuck it, he doesn't deserve to know?

DH is torn and has no idea what to do when his mum eventually dies. On one hand, he is saying not to bother telling BIL because he clearly doesn't give a shit about MIL, has never visited her, has never asked after her, so doesn't need to know - he deserves to find out by accident.

The other part of DH is saying, well actually he DOES need to know because it's his mum, DH should play the bigger person and give BIL the chance to pay his last respects at her funeral.

I'm staying out of DH's decision making process and supporting what ever choice he makes, because I will not tell him what to do. I am however his sounding board. ~

MN collective- I'm looking for help!

When my dad died we informed my brother who had been no contact for 37 years. He didn't come to the funeral and we didn't expect him to. But telling him was the right thing to do.

PomeralLights - yes it is farming, (isn't it always?!) but not a sick SIL. Different thread I think.

Ah ok, apologies Frog. Not sure what I'd do then, sorry!

I'm with the people who say that FIL's wishes outweigh MIL's. She won't be hurt if BIL isn't at her funeral, but FIL might be hurt if he is.

I agree with those who say let him know (if possible) when she dies, but do not volunteer any information about the funeral. If he is bothered enough to get in touch to find out the details, then a decision can be made based on the feelings of those involved in the moment and the nature of the BIL's contact.

I thought it might be farming related too. Tbh, I think you have made him aware of what's going on, if he already knows how ill she is but hasn't bothered to visit, the news of her death won't come as a huge shock. I think I would let him know when she had died, and see if that makes him contact anyone. I wouldn't just announce the funeral to him if you think it would cause a huge fight between him and FIL though.

I think you inform him that she has passed away and leave it to him to enquire further if he wishes to attend the funeral etc

Presumably wills etc have all been updated to reflect PIL's current wishes?

I agree, I think the right thing to do it to inform him of her death but perhaps not the funeral arrangements unless he asks.

What a sad situation for your family OP. I hope the rest of your MIL's time with her family is as peaceful as it can be.

My approach would be to get a message to him now informing him that his DM is dying and his opportunity to make peace is limited.

If he ignores that, which I suspect he will, I would refrain from telling him about her death until after the funeral. In a way this honours the wishes of both your MIL and FIL.

There is a rift in our family between my late DMs brothers and ourselves. The run up to her funeral was more tense than it needed to be because I was afraid one or both would show up. I frankly feared my DF would kill them with his bare hands if they tried. Thankfully they didn't. But I understand how your FIL feels.

Yes, you should tell him.

Always, always maintain the moral high ground.

It far more likely that your DH would regret not telling his brother than that he would regret telling.

It feels better to be in the right (even if it is hard).

I think Welshmaenad's idea is a good one.

Thank you all for your input. I've told DH about the thread and I suspect he'll have a read of it later.

Thank you all for your opinions.

FIL's call. He might be an obstreporous old git but he's entitled to bury his wife without there being an unpleasant scene caused by BIL turning up.

If BIL gets in touch before MIL dies & says 'Actually I'd like to be told when mum goes', that's different, & I think if it were my brother/BIL I'd be promising to let him know, but as he hasn't, I think FIL gets to decide.

He may very well be keeping tabs via mutual friends anyway.

I'd make the appropriate death announcement in the paper etc, but not make a special attempt to track BIL down - if the rift is not mendable anyway, it's not as if it can make things between BIL & FIL/DH any worse. & if BIL is upset at not being told, well, he knew she was gravely ill - he had options at that point.

I think what really matters is what your MIL wants, but this should also be tempered by the real possibility that there might be a huge ruckus as the funeral itself. It's a difficult one

Having sad that, he knows she's ill and still hasn't visited. Do you know if he has called at all or enquires about her? I think the lead should be taken from there

I would go with Welshmaenad's idea. I'd also consider including, 'if you wish to know when she passes, we can arrange to have someone inform you.' If he doesn't ask or leave details then he's making his feelings crystal clear.

I wouldn't tell BIL; he's been informed throughout, but has totally opted out, plus your FIL (who will be, presumably, the person hardest hit by MIL's death) has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want BIL there. I accept there are reasons to tell BIL, but I personally don't think they are sufficient to tell him.

If your DH is feeling conflicted, might there be some value in he and FIL sitting down to talk about the options? If so, could you be there to help and to play devil's advocate?

If your husband feels he may regret not telling him in the future then he should do it.

There's no easy answer, but I think I disagree with this. If the BiL is told, turns up at the funeral and there's a scene - which from what you've written there may well be - then DH would feel worse.

There's no rift in our family (thank God) but... my father died six weeks ago. I am devastated. But what I feel is nothing compared to my mother's anguish. I wouldn't have wanted anything at the funeral that would have made it more difficult for her. Your FiL will be grieving and in the depths of despair when his wife dies. Don't make it harder for him.

I think it would be wicked not to tell him tbh. I say this as someone who really can't stand their mother and only retains a shred of a relationship out of love and loyalty to DF and Dsibs. That said though, she is my mother and she gave birth to me and as a consequence there is some primal bond and I would be deeply hurt to find out she was gone from someone other than family. Your DH doesn't need to speak, he can write, or post a notice in the paper, leave an answer message. BUT he needs to tell him IMHO.

I think it would be wicked not to tell him tbh. I say this as someone who really can't stand their mother and only retains a shred of a relationship out of love and loyalty to DF and Dsibs. That said though, she is my mother and she gave birth to me and as a consequence there is some primal bond and I would be deeply hurt to find out she was gone from someone other than family. Your DH doesn't need to speak, he can write, or post a notice in the paper, leave an answer message. BUT he needs to tell him IMHO.

If BIL isn't told and he finds out anyway, say through mutual friends or family that do have his contact details, is he the type to turn up at the funeral and make a scene over not being informed by DH or FIL?

If there is a chance, maybe telling him would be better, at least then your family can prepare yourself for his presence.

I would tell him on after the funeral. It wouldn't be right to your FIL if your BIL turned up.

I think your DH should respect your FIL's wishes on this. If BIL is aware of how unwell his mother is, and has still not bothered to get in contact/visit, then FIL'S feelings trump his I'm afraid. He is the one who has been there through all the financial difficulties and daily with her through the illness. He deserves his way in this I think. So sorry for your DH who sounds like he is stuck in the middle of all this

I would contact bil solicitor to pass on the message.