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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate the beard?

61 replies

DisappointedOne · 06/06/2015 00:02

Very much the tip of the iceberg of stuff pissing me off about DH this week, but AIBU?

DH has never shaved if he hasn't had to. This progressed to shaving once every week - 10 days a year or so back. That was fine as the shorter stubble suited him.

For some reason he decided a few weeks back to grow a proper beard. As in a big bushy birds nest of a thing that covers the majority of his face and then keeps going. He is very dark haired and is starting to thin on top and it just doesn't suit him.

I HATE it. I don't want to go near it. I don't want to touch it. I don't want him touching me with it.

He's obviously serious about it. The man that won't moisturise his face has bought oils and waxes and special combs for his beard.

Tonight, rather than helping me get stuff ready for the day out that he's insisted on going on tomorrow, he's sat watching youtube videos for hours whilst twiddling and stroking his beard.

I get that it's his face, and that he hates shaving, but who is right here?

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 06/06/2015 00:09

You are wrong his body his choice.

Would you like it he dictated on your pubic hair, like saving your genital hairs or your legs or arm pits.

pregnantpause · 06/06/2015 00:11

Yanbu. I too hate beards. BUTyou will be flamed. They will say- It's his body his choice. How would you like it if he refused to touch because you didn't shave your legs?! You will be called shallow for caring about such trivial banalities. People will recant how they love beards and how manly they are.

Still

Yanbu

Beards are foul and I got one cannot wait until this god awful beard trend goes back where it came from !

pregnantpause · 06/06/2015 00:12

Perfect example of a cross post

WorraLiberty · 06/06/2015 00:12

Well he's right obviously because he owns his face.

Some people are repulsed by overgrown facial hair, leg hair, arm pit hair, pubic hair, chest and back hair.

But all you can do really is state your preference and then leave it up to that person.

pregnantpause · 06/06/2015 00:12
  • I for one Smile
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 06/06/2015 00:15

My body hair got lasered off years ago so we can't have that argument, unfortunately.

OP posts:
camtt · 06/06/2015 00:16

YANBU - not that you can do much about it, but it's scratchy and often patchy, very popular at the minute, maybe because a lot of beard wearers can't be bothered shaving, doesn't make it attractive!

MrsTedCrilly · 06/06/2015 00:17

YANBU, we all have preferences! You can't force him to do anything, and dumping him would be extreme, but nothing wrong with stating a preference. A beard makes someone look completely different, covers most of their face, feels odd.. I think it suits a lot of people, my friend looks fantastic with one but wouldn't like my DP to grow a big bushy beard.

WorraLiberty · 06/06/2015 00:17

Yes you can have that argument.

Would you think it OK if a husband or wife didn't want to go near the other one, touch them, or be touched by them due to natural hair growth?

We all have our preferences and to be honest, I hate beards and moustaches but I'm sure I'd learn to suck it up if my DH decided to grow one.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 06/06/2015 00:23

Would you think it OK if a husband or wife didn't want to go near the other one, touch them, or be touched by them due to natural hair growth?

Would you expect a husband or wife to still fancy their OH if they'd gained 10 stone, or would they have the right to now find them unattractive?

We've been together for 14 years and he's always had stubble or a smooth face. Within a few weeks he now looks like a darker version of David fricking Bellamy! I don't care about weight or anything like this, but I almost can't bear to look at home with that thing on his face.

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 06/06/2015 00:26

It's an interesting discussion. I think from my experience that if you're so bothered then there might be other things about him that are bothering you.
I think if things were great between you, you would find him stroking his beard with his thinning top "sweet" even if deep down you didn't really like beards.
I say this as some one whose xh would be furious if I left it a couple of days to shave. Yes you could argue it's his preference so I should have shaved. But looking back, I don't think he ever really loved me much at all.

WorraLiberty · 06/06/2015 00:33

I do actually get what you're saying OP.

We can't help what turns us on or off.

But the question you asked is who is right here and I have to say, it's him because he has autonomy over his own body.

I would be gutted if my DH grew a big, thick bushy beard and even kissing him would feel really weird because that 'beard feeling' sets my teeth on edge.

However, he still has the final say over what he does with his own body hair.

Itscurtainsforyou · 06/06/2015 00:55

My oh has had one for a couple if years now. If (a big if) it is tidy it looks ok, but I hate the feel of it and don't enjoy kissing him.

It's now come to a head as DC refused to kiss daddy "because he's too spiky".

Loolah · 06/06/2015 01:13

I'm with you OP my DH decided a couple of months ago to grow a beard. It's horrible and a major turn off for me. I know it's his body / face, but his hair is thinning on top so to me it looks ridiculous. I've told him what i think but he ignores me. The thing that irritates me the most is when he keeps licking his too lip to feel the edge of his 'tache. gross!

mileend2bermondsey · 06/06/2015 01:20

YANBU imo.

Anything other than stubble I find repulsive and really turns me off. I don't enjoy kissing a man with excessive stubble so I can't imagine how unpleasant it would be to kiss someone with a full beard. I think its a bit inconsiderate of your DH to grow a huge beard if he knows you hate it.

BUT if my DP wanted to control my appearance I'd be Hmm so I don't know what the answer is tbh?

LemonySmithit · 06/06/2015 01:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 06/06/2015 01:47

If you are that bothered leave the relationship.

When dh don't shave all I say is that I do not want oral sex off him.

BitOfFun · 06/06/2015 02:15

I'm not sure that it's exactly fair to draw a parallel of beards with female body hair.

A man's facial hair is generally much, much coarser than even his own body hair, never mind women's (usually) finer and sparser body hair. Facial stubble on my DP gives me awful skin burn from kissing, whereas it makes little difference to him if I haven't shaved my legs.

I don't mind the aesthetic side of him not shaving, but I've never got to the point of knowing whether a proper full beard would bother me or not, simply because the interim stage is literally unbearable.

There's also the separate issue that women are judged for not conforming to patriarchal beauty standards in a way that men aren't, so it's more politically loaded a question for women than it is for men.

As far as just aesthetics go, I tend to assume that when you love the other person, you can mostly get past that stuff if it seems important to them, and you don't notice it all that much. I dunno, maybe that's different for everyone?

mileend2bermondsey · 06/06/2015 02:18

If you are that bothered leave the relationship

I don't like that my DH grew a beard = LTB
Classic MN

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 06/06/2015 02:57

I would not feel comfortable in a relationship where dh couldn't love me for who I am. My armpits hair grow and sometimes I just can't be bothered to shave.

I couldn't be with anyone that could not respect that.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 06/06/2015 06:48

I think armpits and facial hair are a world apart. Unless you make sure your armpits are visible at all times, buy special products to tend to them or let them grow long enough to cover your mouth. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 06/06/2015 06:51

I think if things were great between you, you would find him stroking his beard with his thinning top "sweet" even if deep down you didn't really like beards.

He's been disappointingly infuriatingly lazy and thoughtless this week which I've had neither the time nor the energy to deal with. Running around enabling an activity he's organised when I should be in bed while he sits watching shit, drinking and stroking the beard makes me want to reach for a cut throat razor. Blush

OP posts:
AWholeLottaNosy · 06/06/2015 06:57

OP I feel your pain! I loathe beards and I'd be devastated if my partner grew one. Have you spoken to him about how you feel about it? I guess he's enjoying the novelty and 'manliness' ( yuk) of it at the moment. Hopefully that will wear off in time. Of course he may so enjoy being liberated from the tyranny of shaving that he keeps it....forever!

If it was me I'd just tell him, I find you physically repulsive with that thing on your face, no sex for you till it's gone!

bythewindsailors · 06/06/2015 07:19

I completely feel your pain. My DH hasn't progressed to the full beard stage (yet) but does not like shaving so will often leave it for a week or two. I hate it. I don't find him much less attractive with the stubbly beard but I do not like kissing him. I would certainly not like the full Bellamy on him!
I love him with all my heart, but I do wish he would shave as I want to kiss him more often!

Capricorn76 · 06/06/2015 08:54

Ever since I read Roald Dahls 'The Twits' moustaches have been a turn off. I keep thinking of dirty men eating old food scraps that have been stuck in their beards. Rank.

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