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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate the beard?

61 replies

DisappointedOne · 06/06/2015 00:02

Very much the tip of the iceberg of stuff pissing me off about DH this week, but AIBU?

DH has never shaved if he hasn't had to. This progressed to shaving once every week - 10 days a year or so back. That was fine as the shorter stubble suited him.

For some reason he decided a few weeks back to grow a proper beard. As in a big bushy birds nest of a thing that covers the majority of his face and then keeps going. He is very dark haired and is starting to thin on top and it just doesn't suit him.

I HATE it. I don't want to go near it. I don't want to touch it. I don't want him touching me with it.

He's obviously serious about it. The man that won't moisturise his face has bought oils and waxes and special combs for his beard.

Tonight, rather than helping me get stuff ready for the day out that he's insisted on going on tomorrow, he's sat watching youtube videos for hours whilst twiddling and stroking his beard.

I get that it's his face, and that he hates shaving, but who is right here?

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 06/06/2015 09:00

My husband grew a beard and I hated it. However I realised it was symptomatic of bigger problems in our relationship-he shaved it off when I asked him to but by then I still found him repulsive. We've since separated and he's grown the beard back.

Higheredserf · 06/06/2015 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BolshierAyraStark · 06/06/2015 09:25

Stubble on DH I can do, looks quite hot tbh, a beard on him would be a no for me, however as it's his face I'd leave him to it. I'd obviously tell him it wasn't my thing but ultimately it's his choice as I'd be quite put out if he started sticking his nose into my personal grooming...

HellKitty · 06/06/2015 09:32

You can't compare it to pubic hair, but I suppose you could to overall appearance. If you put on 15 stone or shaved your head would he still be attracted to you? In a PC/MN world then he should BUT that's not true. My DP hates short hair, if I cut mine off he wouldn't love me any less but he's really really want it to grow back.

I hate beards so I'm with you on that, my DP grew a Mexican style porn star 'tash which I seriously found irresistible. But he shaved it off when his mum said he looked like a tramp.

Just explain that it doesn't 'do it' for you.

KingTut · 06/06/2015 09:40

I do agree his facell he can do what he wants.

I also think you don't have to kiss someone who ate something that will gross you out or hurt your facial skin.

viva100 · 06/06/2015 09:50

YANBU AT ALL!!! I love DP but I hate hate beards. Complete turn off and I made this very clear to him from the very beginning. It's not just his face. You have to kiss and make out with that face. Gross. Fine, grow a beard but don't expect anything from me while you rock the caveman look.

Allofaflumble · 06/06/2015 09:58

Another beard hater here too. I think they are gross and offensive (to me) in the same way some people hate tatoos. Hope the fashion passes soon. You never know what's coming up beard wise on TV!

Ashbeeee · 06/06/2015 09:59

Beards. Urgh. Kissing man with beard . Oral sex from man with beard
That kind of decided it for my DH

Cantbelievethisishappening · 06/06/2015 10:01

YANBU
I hate beards.....they are hideous.

AmyElliotDunne · 06/06/2015 10:17

I think the beard is a symbol of his laziness, you now he's probably only grown it to avoid a 5 minute shave once a week and now every time he does anything remotely pro-active involving the beard (whether that's stroking it, buying oil for it, grooming it) it's pissing you off that he's able to find motivation to care about something you hate.

I'm a beard lover and my DP won't grow one as he finds it too itchy! But I can still see how you might find it unattractive and that's absolutely your right. However, like someone else said, if you felt more loving towards him it might not bother you.

My XH tales about shaving off his body hair and the idea repulsed me. He was bald, pale and not muscly, so would have looked like a giant baby! I love a hairy bear of a man and this felt like (and indeed was vocalised as) another way to say "your opinion doesn't matter to me".

I think he needs to fix the laziness problem and then I think the beard will resolve itself, either because you will feel more inclined to tolerate it on a helpful and responsible partner, or he won't man up and take some responsibility for family life and you can happily LTB for a more acceptable reason!

AmyElliotDunne · 06/06/2015 10:17

*know grrr!

Motherinlawsdung · 06/06/2015 10:21

Going off at a bit of a tangent, but beards do make men look a lot older. Example - Graham Norton. Looks like a grandad now.

KingTut · 06/06/2015 10:24

Many Men over forty look like Grandads as they are old enough to be one. Confused

pregnantpause · 06/06/2015 10:38

See I wouldn't mind of dh asked me to change my appearance. I once dyed my hair blonde. After a few weeks he did sit down and say, I don't like blonde hair on you pregnant , obviously it's up to you, but I prefer you dark. So I dyed it back. He wasn't horrible just honest. And as he's the person looking at me, I do want him to like what he sees.

If he grew a beard we'd be having the same conversation. And I hope he'd shave the hideous thing off for me.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/06/2015 10:48

"If it was me I'd just tell him, I find you physically repulsive with that thing on your face, no sex for you till it's gone!"

Sex as a weapon, Really?

taxi4ballet · 06/06/2015 10:49

Pogonophobics unite!

butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 11:08

you can't help it if you hate it. I wouldn't consider it okay to "tell" him to shave it off but if you don't find it physically attractive, you can't help that can you? I wouldn't tell him but he'll soon work it out.

TTWK · 06/06/2015 12:05

He is perfect free to grow a beard and you are perfectly free to find it sexually unattractive. Just as you are free to not shave your legs and he is free to not fancy you with hairy legs.

MissDemelzaCarne · 06/06/2015 13:49

I'm another pognophobic here, I can't kiss DH if he's grown one.

stoopstoconker · 06/06/2015 21:55

I used to like a bit of stubble (though dp is convinced older men with stubble look dishevelled rather than sexy), but beards not so much as they remind me of my dad...or Rolf Harris.

That said, my bf is Sikh and says her dh beard is lovely and baby soft because it's never been cut.

Given the theory that adult body hair is a wick for pheromones, beards ought to be irresistible...

kimistayingalive · 06/06/2015 22:28

I pissed myself over the David Bellamy comment especially as I googled to be certain.

My dh is beardy. It started as wanting to look older as he looked younger for his age and it annoyed him. I wasn't that keen at first but I grew used to it.
He did shave it all off recently for me and I was horrified and even our Ds hated it as it wasn't daddy. He looked really young and now agree the beard is better although I do prefer the neatly trimmed look as opposed to the shaggy can't be arsed look he gets as he can't be arsed to shave often.

iwouldgoouttonight · 06/06/2015 22:37

Motherinlawsdung I was going to say the same thing, Graham Norton looks about 20 years older!

I can't wait for the beard phase to pass too. Disgusting things full of yesterday's breakfast and bits of dead skin.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 07/06/2015 10:06

Well, a family member dying and another in crisis gave some much needed perspective yesterday. Sad

However, I still hate the beard. I wouldn't mind something kept tidy, but really really hate the big bushy bird's nest look. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 07/06/2015 10:08

AmyElliot you might be onto something there.

OP posts:
GRT · 07/06/2015 10:25

Well, this all depends on whether we're talking about you wanting to compel him to get rid of the beard against his will. If it's just preference and you would like it but still love and respect him as he is, when he makes his choice about his body, great.

If there is an element of compulsion, however, well it's controlling and sexist to force somebody to cut off a natural part of their secondary sexual characteristics every day, to mutilate the face that nature gave them as part of their maleness, and feminize them for your own pleasure. Every instance of this, across the millennia is a sign of oppression by the matriarchy.

If you are a matriarchal oppressor, it is almost his duty to grow a beard - and probably to insist on being a SAHF while you go out to work to smash the bonded labour aspect of traditional gender roles for men, and if you refuse, to LTB forthwith.

Sending vibes of solidarity to my brother - may his manslavement nightmare end soon.