OK, I am home and can debrief fully. I could only do short updates from my spot 'on the ground'.
So, to recap: they turn up 15 minutes late. Blown about by the wind (we are in a posh bit of the north of England). Sleeveless top inadvisable on incipient bingo wings. Full skirt with print, not too bad. Bright red lips, foundation too pale, hard, ageing black eyeliner. Her husband looks really tense and edgy. She leans over to me, where I am sitting with my glass of champagne on the sofa, and kisses me on the cheek with a gritted teeth smile. I don't move towards her, but simply say, "Hi!" in a slightly vague way. A good start. Also shake hands with her husband.
Keeps trying to 'draw me in' by using my name and looking at me. I practice my false smile. I am up to her and her tricks!
At the table, I image to sit not facing her (a result) between my DH and hers. She sneakily starts asking our hostess about her children and reminisces about things they did when younger (LOOK AT ME, OTHER GUESTS, I AM THE HOSTS' BEST FRIEND AND YOU'RE NOT SO THERE).
[Menu:
starters: crostini with lovely things on top (jamon serrano, goats' cheese & fig, edamame beans with manchego)
main course: lasagne or aubergine bake, home baked olive and tomato bread, salad.
pud: macadamia nut cheesecake or pannacotta, followed by cheese & port.
I hope you enjoyed the vicarious consumption.
An excellent effort by our lovely hosts! I didn't say anything that might upset them, BTW. Especially not asking about the former best friend. Nasty Pasty's husband is the bloke she was with then split up from post affair (see 'sitting drunkenly in the sink on New Year's Eve' post for further details) and subsequently got back with, so in view of his tenseness thought it best not to mention anything in case he went postal]
All going well (she is drinking steadily and starting to sound a bit manic) when, as if she could read my bad thoughts, she suddenly slows down and asks for a glass of water! Our host is pouring so no opportunities for glass sabotage. I sent 'be drunk and embarrassing' vibes her way, but she was off on one about urban regeneration. Action was needed, so I took it by changing the subject during a lull, to a topic another guest was an expert on. Unfortunately, Mapp has a view on everything but I found my conversational mojo. Lucia triumphant. Helped by one of the other guests who kept smiling sideways at me when the nasty pasty was rambling on.
The cheese saved me, because she had a glass of port (which I hate) and that seemed to stun her a bit. Her poor DH barely said a thing. I don't suppose he has many chances. They left, bleating about babysitters. She didn't dare try to kiss me on the cheek on exit.
I am so glad that I went! She was definitely on the back foot, although it didn't stop her monopolising the conversation (ME ME ME, this is what I think). Don't mess with me, husband stealer! Mumsnet rules!