Aibu to think this is ungrateful control freakery?

[satine]

Just saw on social media the happy news that someone has had a baby. Lovely.
Then it says "if you would like to make them a meal, ..."
Again, lovely idea. I used to do this when my friends were having their babies.

But then it turns nasty....
"please go to this website to register"
I click on the link in amazement and it's a website where you register and then pick the days you're going to cater, and then you have to say what you're going to make.
Ok - I guess no-one likes lasagne 6 days on the trot BUT then it goes on to say "all meals must be dairy free. Please use xxx brand of lactose free whatever, not Alpro. Please deliver meals in disposable containers and by 7.30pm each day. Please text to confirm your delivery on the day"
These last bits were actually written by or on behalf of the happy couple, not by the Control Your Friends and Famly website.
I mean I'm all for organisation but whatever happened to being bloody grateful for any help whatsoever and appreciating the time and effort that someone has gone to to make you any meal, even if it is the eighth tuna casserole that week.
Anyway, that's my rant over. AM I being unreasonable?!!

Erm and can I just say doing this sort of thing for bereavement or someone undergoing chemo is totally different and a lovely thing to do, I don't think having a baby can be likened to those though, in any way

I think the idea is a lovely one but has been subverted and ruined by the website thing.

Sore point with me. But then my ILs arrived for a 5 day visit (staying with us) the day I got out of hospital with DD2. She was 5 weeks prem and not feeding so I was expressing day and night every 3 hours, not established bf and was very worried and anxious. Midwives visiting every 3 hours to check on her. ILs arrived to stay AND DID NOT BRING ANY FOOD WITH THEM . I could not believe it. They treated the stay as a normal visit. The first evening I appeared in the kitchen and they were sitting there expectantly.

Me: "Im not cooking"
DH (looked after toddler all day) of course not will order a takeaway
FIL "But I don't like curry"
Me: I DONT CARE

They proceeded to munch through all the food my mother had kindly cooked for us. I wasn't organised enough to have prepped as DD2 so weirdly early. Bizarrely MIL is a great and efficient cook, but terribly formal and obviously thought if you are someones visitor they cook for you circumstances notwithstanding.

I have hated them both ever since.

Yes in the old good days communities did this and mums/sisters/aunts went to help the new mother, they cooked for her and cleaned the house.
But this was because a) men where away for work or working in farms 15hours and most importantly b) men didnt cook or clean.

Today it is a bit different with paternity leave, with freezers, online shopping, men allowed to cook.

I would do this for a single mum, for a family with illness/disability, for a family with newborn plus toddlers, or like the case of a friend for a couple who just had a disaster and are in temporary accomodation with no much cooking facilities.

But usually the couples on those websites are not in the above categories. Why cook for a dad on paternity leave (orr with a normal 40 hours week, who has a lovely kitchen and he can cook?

Also 'community spirit' is going around to your neighbour with a dish and having a chat etc. It is not getting instructions about the dish on a website.

What a nasty, spiteful little thread this is. And by the way, not everyone has a freezer than can be packed full of meals to last weeks, or even days.

I'm just at anyone thinking this is ok. I was a LP with my first baby and funnily enough did not starve to death. Two adults who can't rustle up a meal between them? Jesus wept.

The website is just the easy way to coordinate it so that meals are spread out over, say, a fortnight. There are plenty of newborn cuddles and chats along the way too!

wickedcrip, certainly in our church, it isn't compulsory to have the meals. Sometimes people don't feel able to ask (and judging from many response here, people would be very judgemental of anyone who did ask for help) so it is a difficult one to always get right.

When I was pregnant with DC2 who we knew was going to die before term, vomiting every day with hyperemesis, an 18mo toddler, DH struggling to do his job as well as look after us and the house etc, I initially refused the offered meal rota, thinking that we would manage. I am very glad for the person who sat me down and said, "Just let us take one thing off your plate right now."

mytitiferssungtheirsong, it isn't that they can't. It is just a nice thing to do to help people. (Helping people just because seems to be a rather foreign idea to a lot of people here sadly!)

On the other side of the fence though, Analyst , I would say that most American families have a lot more family support and help than in the UK. It is s commonplace attitude among the British parents / grandparents I know to not offer any help to their children when they start a family because 'we all just had to get on with it'. Whereas in the U.S. it is much more normal for extended family to offer support and babysitting. Most of my friends here have had family literally move in with them after the birth or even take care of the grandkids full time while their daughter or DIL goes back to work. So while Americans get less state support, culturally it seems more the norm to get family and community support.

I agree that the website element can spoil it. And I agree that no-one likes to be told they have to cook a meal for someone.

Most meal rotas are not like that - they are a few friends deciding to help out another friend - not because she can't cope or is having a crisis, but just to help out and show friendship.

As has been said before, it is fine to show friendship and help outside of a crisis - having a baby is usually not one, but that doesn't mean help or kindness has no place there.

In my experience,these rotas usually start after the DD has gone back to work - so are during the tricky time for a new mum of learning to manage alone.....yeah, yeah, they are still able-bodied and capable etc etc....taking meals isn't a suggestion that they aren't .....it's just recognition of a new phase and an act of friendship.

Some people have dietary requirements or major dislikes - I can see how websites in their attempts to cover these things might be a bit officious and impersonal. Friends who just put together their own rota usually know about these things (but might not know about partners allergies etc) or will simply ask....no need for a website.

I'm surprised by the amount of meanies on here. Some of you sound like a friend of yours would have to be literally dying before you'd offer any practical help. Is this attitude because you are mean, or embarrassed to offer help for fear of it not being wanted, or that you think people should have to manage on their own - I just don't get it, when we are talking bout friends.
I do understand that no-one likes to feel that a meal is an expectation or that friends feel entitled to it - but in real life, most people are not like that.

Please don't let the issues with websites colour your view of this whole area - helping friends is a good thing!

Dear god I've heard it all

And I wonder if some people are anti the idea of taking a meal to a new Mum, because they think this is some kind of 'religious' thing to do and want to avoid all that.
Church communities often do this, to support their members, but loads of other groups of people do it too.

To those of you who object, would you like your Mum or MIL (assuming you have a good relationship with them) cook for you after a baby? What is the difference with a friend or group of friends doing it? Lots of people don't have much family nearby anymore, but lots of people like to think they have good friends. The discomfort this whole idea brings to so many people makes me wonder what level those friendships really are at.

Whilst the idea of setting up a website to organise this for yourself is, I agree, a bit grabby, the attitudes on this thread are so unpleasant. This is a website set up to support mums, where we regularly hear from people struggling to even get showered with a new baby, why the sudden insistence that new mums should be able to manage? Does no one remember that fog that comes with a new born, and the sheer mind numbing exhaustion? Or do we just have to suck it up and get on with it now?

Yes kudos to all of you who managed to cook your own meals, but I'm sure if someone had turned up on your doorstep with a freshly cooked meal you wouldn't have turned them away.

And as for the poster who avoids church because of this kind of thing, well I'm sorry you are uncomfortable in an environment where people look out for one another and support each other. It does sound truly dreadful!!

I don't think many have objected to someone thoughtfully cooking a meal,more the dictatorial way they are being treated; what to cook, which day, the exact time of day to present it. It's turned a thoughtful gesture into a military like operation.

I've cooked many a meal for friends and neighbours but if I was directed to that website I would be unlikely to put my name down.

Many people like to limit visitors when they have a new baby and would find 2 weeks of meals being dropped off, ontop of all the other visitors, a bit stressful and unnecessary.

People like to express and receive friendship in different ways.

I can't even remember if we ate at all when our baby was first born. It was and still is a blur! I have to say I wouldn't be volunteering for any time slot, I think they are taking the p!

I don't think anyone is objecting to the idea of having a meal cooked for them. It's the idea that the website is dictating and taking the spontaneity out of a gesture of kindness. I find it bizarre.

looked at the website. Apparently 5 meals being delivered in the UK today, more thn 3000 in the US (surprise, surprise)

I'm a bit rubbish at maths and it's very late (plus I've had some wine), but...based on population, it appears that the percentage of meals being delivered via this website service is actually higher for the UK.

Surprise, surprise.

When DD was in hospital 200 miles from home and I was with her, I humbly asked and felt like shite for doing it that if our friends back home had leftovers after a meal that were not earmarked, might they be willing to share with DH and DS who were at home. I would be aghast if someone set up a site like that.

Since then, DD has been hospitalized away from home many times. I learned a lesson, though, and keep about 2 weeks of evening meals prepared in the freezer with prep instructions on them. DH (and now DS) are entirely capable of cooking, but after a long day, the temptation for takeaway is strong.

Very true about the family support thing, Solas (ours live a few thousand miles away from us on either side, and both halves still turn up). It does appear that the "we just got on with it, so should you" attitude extends to the majority of posters on this regrettable thread.

*turned up.

I suppose the reason the website doesn't sit well is because social etiquette - here at least - dictates that when receiving gifts and things like baked goods, (which are essentially a gift of time) from someone else, we are to act like the gift is a surprise and we must not hint at these things being expected. Because, these things are a gift, not a right.

That's why the website seems so grabby when arranged by the parents, why being asked what specifically to buy someone for a present and being asked for cash at a wedding doesn't sit well with so many people. I think it's about the expectation that we will provide something that rankles.

Other countries may not have online supermarket deliveries but I think most people get 9 months notice of an impending baby.

I have made meals for bereaved friends and ones going through chemo. I wouldn't for a couple who've had a full term healthy baby. Men can cook can't they?

What is- a tuna bake? And pot roast come to that. I'm British in case it's not obvious.

Mmmicecream said:

I suppose the reason the website doesn't sit well is because social etiquette - here at least - dictates that when receiving gifts and things like baked goods, (which are essentially a gift of time) from someone else, we are to act like the gift is a surprise and we must not hint at these things being expected. Because, these things are a gift, not a right.

That's why the website seems so grabby when arranged by the parents, why being asked what specifically to buy someone for a present and being asked for cash at a wedding doesn't sit well with so many people. I think it's about the expectation that we will provide something that rankles.

Sums it up perfectly!

Literally WTF!!! I've never heard anything so crazy!!! They are only having a baby???!!!!!