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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think this is ungrateful control freakery?

296 replies

satine · 04/06/2015 22:30

Just saw on social media the happy news that someone has had a baby. Lovely.
Then it says "if you would like to make them a meal, ..."
Again, lovely idea. I used to do this when my friends were having their babies.

But then it turns nasty....
"please go to this website to register"
I click on the link in amazement and it's a website where you register and then pick the days you're going to cater, and then you have to say what you're going to make.
Ok - I guess no-one likes lasagne 6 days on the trot BUT then it goes on to say "all meals must be dairy free. Please use xxx brand of lactose free whatever, not Alpro. Please deliver meals in disposable containers and by 7.30pm each day. Please text to confirm your delivery on the day"
These last bits were actually written by or on behalf of the happy couple, not by the Control Your Friends and Famly website.
I mean I'm all for organisation but whatever happened to being bloody grateful for any help whatsoever and appreciating the time and effort that someone has gone to to make you any meal, even if it is the eighth tuna casserole that week.
Anyway, that's my rant over. AM I being unreasonable?!!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/06/2015 13:38

On my way, penguins- applauded from a somewhat linguistically challenging heaven by generations of female ancestors..............

babymouse · 05/06/2015 13:50

I think websites like that can be a lifesaver when going through treatment or postpartum, BUT I think it should only be circulated to those who ask how can I help. It's a bit grabby to just pass it on social media or to randomly send it out.

morelikeguidelines · 05/06/2015 13:56

It was the bit about "not alpro" that got me!

PolyesterBride · 05/06/2015 14:10

I personally found it quite difficult to manage to cook meals when mine were newborns and my DP wasn't great at it either. We were both very sleep deprived and coping with a newborn just seemed to take up all our time. I'm not sure why people are so keen to go on about how they cooked a roast dinner ten minutes after giving birth to twins or batch cooked fifty meals in two days. I couldn't have done either of those things and I don't think I'm that unusual. I know lots of people who lived off toast or ready meals. Home cooked meals would be much healthier and I think its a kind thing for friends to do for each other.

CactusAnnie · 05/06/2015 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teatowel · 05/06/2015 14:48

When my SIl died leaving a husband and two very young children, I think most of the town turned up with all kinds of meals. It was a way of expressing their sympathy and grief as well as being useful. We froze most of them, I think some people didn't get their non disposable containers back for months! We were so grateful but to have organised it all on a website ( for a far more needy situation than the birth of a baby to two healthy young people) would have seemed strange and wrong.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2015 14:51

Yes it is absolutely rude and rediculous. Just because you have a newborn, does not mean you can't do anything. What's her DH doing then?

snowglobemouse · 05/06/2015 14:57

OP PLEASE keep us updated on what people sign up to bring- loving the person who put beans on toast!

Eminado · 05/06/2015 15:09

I feel i missed a trick with my pfb. There i was, walking, standing, rooting around the fridge to feed myself after an emcs. I should have had a website dammit.

NKfell · 05/06/2015 15:10

I didn't know this existed! I've missed a trick here Wink

YANBU!

Abraid2 · 05/06/2015 15:18

I suspect that, like bridal and baby showers and trick and treat, this is an idea that works well in more socially gracious American communities and less well in grabby, rude British ones.

I am British, btw.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 05/06/2015 15:21

I'm another one who clearly did it all wrong. Came home from hospital with twins and managed between DH and I to eat very adequately.

Not complicated posh meals, but nutritious and easily organised food. Unless people have major issues, they should be able to sort themselves out a bit.

Having said that, I always make a cake or something similar for friends or neighbours who have had a baby.

eminthebigsmoke · 05/06/2015 15:31

I suppose it is down to being a cultural thing. As with weddings and baby showers I think it's fine to have something like that ready in case people offer, but it's not really the 'British' way to put it out there and ask for stuff.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 05/06/2015 16:14

I really could have done with this when I lost my husband three months ago. I lived on tins of leek and potato soup and the occasional doner kebab.

Cocolepew · 05/06/2015 16:30

How ridiculous Confused.
I'm in NI and if there has been a death we don't usually turn up at the door of the bereaved empty handed. It's usually stuff like tea, cakes , biscuits etc to feed the visitors.

Cocolepew · 05/06/2015 16:33

Xpost, the people in the op are ridiculous not you wheredoall.

Madmog · 05/06/2015 16:41

Sorry, but they'll have to cope like the rest of us. I was sick all the way through my pregnancy (only thing I could just about manage to cook without throwing up was scrambled egg) and it continued for a week or two after birth, so couldn't stock up on homemade meals, but I did buy us come ready made meals in case we got stuck. They an easily add some cooked frozen veg to that!

merrymouse · 05/06/2015 16:44

I don't think anybody is suggesting that there are never situations where people need support - just that in the normal run of things having a baby isn't usually that incapacitating.

Twunk · 05/06/2015 17:07

We had help from this sort of thing when DS2 was diagnosed with cancer - it was amazing for us as we were in and out of hospital and eating total rubbish (pizza, chips, cereal, toast). I just asked if anyone had any extra they'd made if they could freeze it and I would come and collect. Before I knew it there was a rota and people were dropping food over every week. We only needed it for a while, as you get into a rhythm and your lives become less chaotic as treatment progresses. It was a life-saver at the time.

But no, not for a perfectly healthy couple with perfectly healthy baby - save it for those that need it.

PenguinBollards · 05/06/2015 17:15

That's a lovely story, Twunk ~ and a clear illustration of the difference between a genuine need for help vs an expectation of help because you're 'busy' baby-mooning.

I hope your DS is better now Flowers

BalloonSlayer · 05/06/2015 17:19

Haven't read the entire thread so someone else might have pointed this out already, but dairy free is not the same as lactose free.

What I mean to say is that lactose free foods are not dairy free - my anaphylactic to milk protein DS could not eat lactose free food. People who are lactose intolerant eat lactose free food.

So not only is it twatty but it doesn't make sense either.

merrymouse · 05/06/2015 17:21

I'm imaginging a conversation like this:

New Parent: "Oh, not please don't bother organising a meal rota, we'll end up with loads of containers and we won't know who they belong to, and you know I can't eat dairy foods and I can only handle xxx brand of lactose free products, and people will be turning up at all times, and we won't know whether they are going to bring food or not - really we'd just rather cook for ourselves it's no hassle".

Friend: "Oh, no don't worry, it'll be fine…".

SolasEile · 05/06/2015 17:34

You see this is why I said no when friends here in the USA offered to set up a 'meal train', as they call it here, for me when we had DC2. The meal train concept only works if you can specify exactly what you need and when. If you have special dietary needs (as I do - I'm celiac) then a meal train is just a PITA as if you specify your needs you seem grabby and if you don't you risk getting very ill. It was much easier for me to just order takeout or to have my very capable DH cook some lovely meals, as he is well able to do.

It has to be volunteered too and not asked for. I offered to cook some meals for friend who was ill last year and was happy to do it. Then later in the year she was ill again and her DH set out a schedule for friends to give meals and help. I didn't mind helping and did do whatever I could (including picking friend up from hospital and babysitting her daughter) but it came across badly.

When I came around to drop his daughter off from babysitting her, for example, he was on his mobile talking to someone from work when he answered the door and held up his finger to me as in 'Just a second'. I felt like the hired help! It didn't encourage me to offer help to them again.

So yes, it's very important to take any help offered to you from friends and neighbors graciously and not be grabby and if you can't take the help without seeming grabby then just say 'no, thank you, we're fine'.

CheerfulYank · 05/06/2015 17:38

Agree with Shove...it's the tone. I'm also American and bring food to people who need it. I finally won over my MIL that way actually. Before DH and I were married, his maternal uncle and grandfather were both hospitalized and not doing well at all. MIL was there all the time and busy so I sent over a lasagna and salad and frozen peanut butter pie. I've been her favorite ever since. Wink

Twunk · 05/06/2015 18:03

Thanks Penguin Flowers

After the initial 6 months the treatment has been fairly easy going and he completes the 2 years (!) of chemo in 2 months time! Thankfully he responded as well as you possibly can to treatment so I'm very positive about seeing the all clear in 3 years.

It really was amazing and still brings me to tears when I think of it. I live in NL so away from family (who visited when they could) and the nurse asked me if we were getting any help at home. I just looked blank and said we were doing fine before bursting into tears. The rallying-round by a club I belong to was utterly wonderful and it's my aim to "pay it forward" as much as I can.

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