Aibu to think this is ungrateful control freakery?

[satine]

Just saw on social media the happy news that someone has had a baby. Lovely.
Then it says "if you would like to make them a meal, ..."
Again, lovely idea. I used to do this when my friends were having their babies.

But then it turns nasty....
"please go to this website to register"
I click on the link in amazement and it's a website where you register and then pick the days you're going to cater, and then you have to say what you're going to make.
Ok - I guess no-one likes lasagne 6 days on the trot BUT then it goes on to say "all meals must be dairy free. Please use xxx brand of lactose free whatever, not Alpro. Please deliver meals in disposable containers and by 7.30pm each day. Please text to confirm your delivery on the day"
These last bits were actually written by or on behalf of the happy couple, not by the Control Your Friends and Famly website.
I mean I'm all for organisation but whatever happened to being bloody grateful for any help whatsoever and appreciating the time and effort that someone has gone to to make you any meal, even if it is the eighth tuna casserole that week.
Anyway, that's my rant over. AM I being unreasonable?!!

Frozen peanut butter pie?! Tell me more! Why have I never eaten this?!

A friend of mine had an encounter with one of these websites for another friend who'd just had a baby.
She said it was just a way for a whole load of people to try and out-middle class each other There were things served with 'jous' and some sort of tagine...
So she put down cheese on toast.

When I had my last dc quite a lot of people brought food for us. I was incredibly grateful, I'd had a rotten emcs and both baby and I had been in hospital for a week recovering from nasty infections. I didn't ask for it - it was freely offered. We had shepherds pie three times, but that wasn't a problem as it's dh favourite meal!

OMG I need peanut butter pie. Now. How do I sign up to this site?!

Oh FFS, what is all this., does having baby render people incapable Can't new parents just get on and cook their own meals. When I had my DC all family I had no family nearby and paternity leave did not exist. We just got on with it! Including travelling 250 miles with an 18 day old baby at Xmas to see my dying Grandmother.

Yes, I am all for helping out when their is illness etc.

This reminds me when mil came to visit us leaving fil back home and told us that the aunties took turns to feed Fil.
Fil had worked as a chef !

It is that 50' s idea that if the woman is anavailable (away or recovering from birth) friends must provide meals.
Unless the new dad works 7 days pw 20 hours per day he can cook something. He can cook on weekend and freeze the portions.

Another thing i don't understand is what is going to happen if you don't eat stews and lasagne for a week??
We need protein, fat, carbs, vitamins from veg. It doesnt matter how you get that. i.e. jacked potato, pasta, sandwitch. Too much fuss and panic imo over 'hot meals'.

There are 2 things here. Firstly, that voluntarily cooking a meal for a friend who has just had a baby can be a great thing and secondly, that being instructed to do it, to strict guidelines isn't great.

I have known lots of groups of friends who draw up a bit of a rota when a friend has a baby and take meals for a week or 2. It isn't because the friend has begged for meals or that they are incapable of cooking once having had the baby - it is simply that the friends know it can be a busy time and want to help out. It isn't lazy or grabbing on the part of the person receiving, nor patronising on the part of those receiving meals. I had 2 weeks of meals when I had a first baby and it was wonderful. I have been glad to do it the same for others.

When a websit is created to serve this purpose, and probably to make money, somehow the spontaneity and spirit of the whole thing is lost. The person receiving meals looks grabbing, those cooking feel restricted and the basic idea behind it of a few friends happily helping someone else out is lost.

Forget the website...but next time you know someone having a baby, offer a meal (don't just offer...they might feel obliged to say no, just take one round) or get your friendship group to do it for a week. It is a fantastic, practical way of showing friendship. Yes, people can have a ready meal, but something made by friends with care and love is something much more.

Frozen Peanut Butter Pie :)

YANBU. I just had a baby and found the first few weeks incredibly hard. But DH fed me home-cooked hot food every night no problem. A couple of people did bring hot meals for us, it was amazing and we were so grateful but it was a bonus, we would never expect it.

There is a lot of rather snipey attitude on this thread. My friends set up one of these 'meal trains' for us when I had DD, and have offered to do so again when DC2 arrives in a few weeks. I live in an (inner city) community where friends like to do this for each other, and I love the spirit of it. Of course I could've cooked for us, or DH could have done, but it was utter bliss to just know that a nutritious meal was on its way every evening in the early days. It was kind, generous and practical. That's the kind of community I like to live in. And when friends and neighbours are going through challenging times (births, illness, bereavements) I am well up for supporting them in this way of they feel it's helpful.

Ignoring the awful website, I think its a shame that people see the meals for new mums as somehow unnecessary, patronising or an unfair demand on other people.

I think it is a sign of how insular our worlds have become, even from our friends, when the idea that offering a meal is somehow patronising or implying people cannot cope. It is a shame if people are too proud to allow a good friend to offer them practical help. It shows how little people feel able to offer genuine practical help, and also to receive it.

The groups of people I have known who have done this have all been Mums. They remembered what being a first time Mum is like and wanted to support their friend. They enjoyed cooking (often just an extra portion of what they made anyway) and taking it round and a quick visit to the new baby at the same time. It drew the groups of friends together. I think people could open up more to each other, to offer help and to receive it. It's not a sign of weakness or pushiness.

Slacktacular , great post.

I think when people have experienced receiving this kind of thing, they feel differently about it.
No-one likes to be forced to join this kind of meal rota and of course no one should ever feel they have to....but when it comes out of friends choosing to do it for each other, it can be a great thing.

Have I missed the recipe for peanut butter pie?

I knew churches and friendship groups did rotas, but not that there were websites for this! ONE meal for a couple on their first night out of hospital I can see the sense in, or bereavement/long term ilness is a different matter entirely!

Can you specify "we only eat organic fair trade food, no Lidl cheapo food please" -??

Or I wonder, can you specify portion sizes too?
"Please make enough to feed 6 as I eats like a horse"
I recall MIL coming to stay for a few days after DD1, and kindly making some soup for lunch, and serving me a bowl with about 2cm of soup and one slice of bread.
Reader, I was ravenous!!

And finally,to all those who pointed out that they managed fine without a meal rota, so somehow it must be grabby or lazy, there are lots of kindnesses we can live without, but which make life pleasanter. The thought of that nice hot meal which will arrive later in the day, might just make the new mums day a bit easier....so friends who have the idea might do it, even though they didn't have anyone do similar for them.

I disagree that these kindnesses need to be saved just for serious medical issues or bereavements. Having a baby is a perfectly normal thing and not a crisis (in most cases) but a kindness from friends can be given at any time. I'd like to think that even though I had meals with my baby, if I had a crisis in my life, my friends might do similar again or think of other practical ways to help me. I have been on rotas for the same person with all 4 of her children and again during a period when she had post natal depression with her last child - it wasn't the worst crisis in the whole world, but why wait, when you can help someone out. We need to offer more, but also be willing to receive the kindness of others too - it isn't always judgemental or with strings attached.

I personally don't like this idea that new mums are somehow similar to people who are ill or bereaved.

You've just had a baby. That's it. No death, no sickness, no dread about whether this treatment will work or not.

For god's sake. Women have been birthing children since the dawn of humanity.

Get over yourselves!

One other thing about the U.S. is that online grocery shopping there
is not a thing, and neither is public transport, unless you live in a major city.

To the person who told me "it's not days in the US, most people take twelve weeks" - I am aware of what goes on in the US, you know! You misunderstood what I said, and my point is that those twelve weeks, unless your employer has a good vacation deal - which many don't - are unpaid.

Unpaid, with no online shopping or nothing. It is absolutely not fair to call anyone in this position "entitled". They are doing what they can, and if part of that involves mobilising friends to help, so be it.

I think some people on this thread don't realise how good you still have it - despite Tory bastardry - in the UK, and I think all the America-bashing is boorish in the extreme, if I'm honest. Yes, the OP is talking about the UK, but this thread has just been unpleasant.

So since when has having a baby, with 8/9 months notice suddenly become a family in need??!! FGS get a pair and one of you cook! It's a new born not an incurable disease. People are so damn needy and full entitlement. If someone deems them worthy enough to give a meal they should accept with grace. If they choose not to eat it, that is their choice, but you say ...thank you very much and suggest they come around in a day or two to collect their dish etc. It really isn't brain surgery just common sense and courtesy.

Having a baby does not make them a family in need. The taking of a meal isn't a sign that the meal providers think they are ill, incapable or facing a crisis. It is simply an act of kindness. It is perfectly possible to do a kind thing for a friend who isn't ill or bereaved or going through an awful time. It is simply a sign of friendship and that the early days especially with a new baby can be busy.

Yes, women have been birthing babies for ever......and yes,communities have been helping those women out with meals forever too. It is only in very recent times that people have become so insular and determined not to accept or give any help for fear of offending by giving or accepting.

And in the "good old days" those that would be giving meals to a new mum and dad would be good friends and would know that the parents were lactose intolerant/vegetarians/vegans etc but to put on a website a list of wants and needs when people are doing YOU a kindness is entitled IMO. The fear of offending from givers are from these very kind of people, givers then start to say oh no don't have disposable containers can't do it, don't know what lactose free is can't do it, only have Alpro and they don't like that can't do it.

It is really sad to see all the nastiness here about supporting new parents.

Our church has used this website or Doodle polls to sort out meals when people have babies or are in hospital or are bereaved or unwell or have any sort of need. Normally it is for a fortnight.

The email from church will have the number of people to feed (so when I had the most recent DC, when I was asked, I said 3 adult portions would be plenty for me, DH and 2DC ) and any dietary requirements.

People volunteer to be on the mailing list and have no obligation to provide a meal each or any time the email goes out.

Women have been having babies for a long time (!) but it is only recently that we have had such nuclear families, that women haven't been living with or very close their mother/mother-in-law/sisters who otherwise would be providing practical support when women had a newborn. After all, women would be advised to "lie in" and have bed rest for up to 8 weeks afterwards!

Also, it is only very recently comparatively that women have survived very difficult labours with assisted deliveries or emergency sections and not died. Not everyone just pops a baby out and is straight back to full fitness.

Lots of people enjoy serving one another in this way. It is one of the joys of having a community that people support one another. I've really enjoyed cooking for others and have always been grateful for the people cooking for us when it has been our turn. I'm just sorry that some people take such evident pride in being self-sufficient and isolated.

These things are almost never charity case-type things and nearly always a rallying point for friends to help each other in an organized fashion.

In our house before DC2 and DC3 arrived we had 81 pre-made (cooked, not bought) freezer meals ready to go, just in case. We still participated in one of these because a friend set one up for us, unprompted.

This isn't some kind of attempt to overplay your situation and take advantage of other folk - generally, it's groups of nice people doing nice things for each other on the understanding that the favour will be repaid later.

I have been amazed at the cynicism on here and think most of you should be damn well ashamed of yourselves.

Nobody brought meals to our door! I would have been grateful for the same of anything six days in a row. I remember a friend came round and made me a fried egg sarnie. I was so grateful I nearly wept.

I have one little girl, she's two. I'm still waiting on someone making me my dinner (including dh, who wouldn't know what a cooker was if it slapped him on the arse).

I like the idea of a website where people can ask for help if they need it - But I hate the idea of it being set up by recipients friends and family. I'm disabled and I get a lot of help forced on me that I don't want. Sometimes it's innoculous like the person in the supermarket who offers to put my shopping on the check out and then when I say "no, thanks I'm fine" does it anyway. Usually that's really annoying but OK (when they say "I feel bad watching you" while taking over it's not OK)

But often it's not innoculous, it's a real problem. At the moment I keep having to fend off a couple of friends who want me to ask a local charity for help (not food related) with something they think I need. When I said it was unnecessary they offered to nominate me to this charity because I "obviously felt uncomfortable asking for help" and I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to prevent them doing it.

It always seems people who go to church go for these things.

Maybe that's why I don't go to bloody church