Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

LeChien

"The child (the equivalent of Frank) wasn't invited to any others.
Other parents seemed grateful that the original mother had made the decision which paved the way for them to do the same without feeling guilty.
The child in this case was diagnosed with ASD when he was 7."

Presumably they are similar to the intolerant spiteful fuckers on this thread.

I am a parent of a child with ASD and learning difficulties, I totally support op not inviting this boy to the party, this boy whatever his needs, has hurt tge op ds and he quite rightly does not want him there, and should not have tosuck it up, his feelings should be treated just as importantly, even more so, because it's his party and his special day, he should be relaxed and happy, not in edge and anxious.

But op would be so wrong to just leave this boy out, it woukd be extremely nasty and spiteful, two wrongs don't make a right. I am glad she is thinking about inviting half tge class.

www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/this-is-my-child-myth-1-behavioural-disorders-are-just-bad-behaviour

riveravon's post has made me reconsider. I think you should invite him, have a chat to your son about how people being unkind is usually because they are unhappy themselves, and promise you won't let him spoil the party for him. Then have a team of adults on Frank watch. Or tell his mum to stay and supervise and be prepared to tell her to keep him away from ds if he's being mean.

I also wonder, is he targeting ds in particular or is he like this with all children? If the latter, I'd be more likely to invite him.

"Presumably they are similar to the intolerant spiteful fuckers on this thread."

I think people come across like that but it's because they judge all children as the same, with the same abilities.
When you don't understand that some children can behave like this it's very difficult not to be shocked by the behaviour and label the child naughty (or little shit).

I wonder how a thread would go if it was about a 5 yr old with ASD who had been the only one not invited to a party following similar circumstances.

My brother had ASD.

I spent my childhood being hurt and harmed by him.

He couldn't help having ASD. Didn't make it any the less miserable for me, though.

My responsibility for my child starts and ends there. I can't be responsible for other people's children, no matter how much I sympathise with their circumstances.

Still reading, taking everything on board.

According to DS he's very nice to everyone but his friends. Frank has told him that 'friends don't tell on friends' on a few occasions after he's hit him and other boys in their little group. So it seems he's just like that with people he knows well.

No but it isn't necessary to be a twat about it.

Xposted - last post for fiveacres

Surely the party is at a weekend and Frank would have no idea who did or didn't go to the party.

Don't invite him but don't invite a couple of other kids too. You can't just leave one four year old out, however horrible he is to your DS. It's horrible

Absolutely it isn't necessary to be a twat about it.

But I am afraid I wouldn't invite a child to a party who had hurt mine and I don't see that as being a 'twat.'

Norah -have you met any 4 year olds? Children know exactly who has and hasn't been invited, especially if the whole class has been invited except for one.

OP - I can't believe you're seriously considering doing this.

But you would invite every single other one, fiveacres? It what way is that not twattish, singling out a four year old?

personally no, but that's because I don't 'do' whole class parties

However in principle I don't think it's unreasonable.

If ONE child behaves in an aggressive manner and frightens another, then it isn't unreasonable to not invite that one child for those reasons.

If it's a whole class party, you invite all the class. End. Of.

If one of the children has special needs or is especially difficult you say this to the mother:

"I've got x number of people helping me with 29 children. Do you think this ratio is high enough to ensure your child is safe and all the other children are safe if yours needs one to one attention throughout the party? Is there anything I need to know about that might upset your child; any techniques I should adopt when managing him".

"I know it must be tough for you and you need a break but you are welcome to stay or if you really want that break, just let me know what is best to put in place for your child".

We had a little girl with very special needs in DS's year. It was a very long time ago and she was very hard work. Her mother said she would really appreciate a break. We got one of the children's babysitters to come and keep a special eye on her. And, yes of course we went out of our way to invite her to tea occasionally because that's what decent people do.

FFS you lot - how about a bit of kindness and sensitivity. My children were generally pretty well behaved and they did my head in on a regular basis. How do you think the nerves of parents who have children with special needs, possibly yet to be diagnosed must be.

And finally, if the lad is giving yours a thump and wallop from time to time, explain to yours that he can't help it and that he needs to tell the teacher. In the meantime you speak quietly to the teacher in a nice way. "I know Frank can be a bit of a handful but please could you keep an eye because my lad/lass seems to be taking the brunt at the moment - any chance one or other could be put on an activity away from each other for a few weeks, or on a different lunch table, shift etc."

DS 6yo was accidentally the only one left out of a whole class party recently and he has no idea it ever happened.

Bravo, Beaufortbelle

My responsibility for my child starts and ends there too, but part of that responsibility is ensuring they grow up to be decent, caring human beings.

I'm not for one minute saying they should be punch bags for children who for whatever reason can't behave, but if the op supervises Frank, there's no reason why this would happen at the party.

I'm sorry you had a difficult time growing up with your brother five, that's one of my biggest worries for my other dc growing up with ds.

You're making the assumption that Frank has additional needs, Beaufort. It's not always the case, you know. His parents might be very indeed to be asked for advice on how he's to be "managed" when they may see nothing amiss at all. It could be very badly received...
And in the absence of diagnosed sn; little kids shouldn't be taught that other little kids can't help it when their behaviour is nasty or scary.

For me the issue is that the OP's son went to Frank's party and was "huddling in a corner" when she came to collect him.

If I was a hosting a party and my child made their guest feel like this I would be mortified and speak to the Mum on collection.

I take it Frank's parents didn't do this? That speaks volumes

I agree with Soduthen it appears that he is not being parented.

If Frank does have SEN (and I'm not convinced this is the case here) then he needs to be supported in integrating into everyday events. SEN is not an excuse for poor behaviour at the expense of others. His parents should be supporting him if this is the case.

I would speak to Frank's parents and ask why my DS had been left in a state at Frank's party and explain because of this I was concerned about inviting Frank. This would show if it was a case of bullying (no invite) or something more complex (invite).

Either way you'd have your answer about whether to invite him or not.

Sorry if this has been said but I would actively want to have Frank there so I could see for myself what he's like. Frank is in your son's class/school after all and I'd want to see it first hand. I'd explain this to your son in simple terms while telling him he would be protected from Frank s behaviour. I'd have lots of adults there but not Frank's parents. I would tell them up front that there had been issues with the friendship and you were going to keep a close eye at the party and call them to collect him if there was a problem. If they questioned, I'd be breezy and non specific about them not getting on like they used to but you didn't want to leave Frank out of the invites.

So either Frank's atypical behaviour is as a result of as yet undiagnosed additional needs or poor parenting. Either way it's not Frank's fault, and he shouldn't be left out when the entire bloody class is invited.

I agree actually if Franks parents didn't look out for your DS huddled scared in the corner then I wouldn't invite Frank either.

But I would say afterwards that I had and oh dear did you not get the invite.

I take your point flogging. I was responding as much for those posters whose children were diagnosed with special needs when they were still not much more than infants and thinking of a particular case.

In the OPs circumstances I would have had a word directly with the parents about what happened at the party and would have been quite up front "Johnny is having his party on x. He is worried that Frank will hurt him again - would you mind awfully staying with Frank because obviously we want him to come and don't want to leave him out". Then it's up to the parent.

I do think, however, that the OPs son needs to learn that you can't just leave one person out. I would never have allowed my children to do that, regardless of behaviour.