Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

If everyone grew a pair and did not invite Frank to their DC parties then maybe just maybe he might just learn to behave.

"If everyone grew a pair and did not invite Frank to their DC parties then maybe just maybe he might just learn to behave."

FFS.
"Grow a pair"? In dealing with a troublesome 4 year old? Seriously what the fuck?

Op don't invite frank, your ds feelings and safety also matter, and his party is not some social experiment. I would not invite people who were mean to me to my party, op ds shoukd not suck it up. Noway can yiu leave one child out, I am glad op is considering a middle ground.

With the the help of his parents obviously

Spectacular back-peddle Holdonforonemoreday.

domesticblister - sounds like you could be Franks DM with no thought to other DC he chooses to bully.

Back peddle? Is that what you think? Seriously? I think it's pretty obvious Frank needs parental guidance. I shouldn't have to spell it out.

OP do you know his parents well? Can you be honest with them and say that you'd like Frank to come but would want them to be there after what happened at Frank's party. Just make it clear DS is very upset and feels like Frank dislikes him.

If they are dismissive of his behaviour then it's likely you know where he gets it but there could be underlying issues and they may take on board and reign him in so he behaves and your DS gets a nice party.

Yes I think OP should spend lots of money on her DC party only to upset her DC by inviting the one person he has requested does not go because he is bullied by him

How would you know? I'm not being flippant, but seriously, when encountering unwanted behaviour from a four year old, how do you know whether its poor parenting or something else?

I would definitely not be inviting that child. Especially if the parents are obviously letting it happen. I hope your ds is ok

I agree it's unfair on your DS to invite a child that frightens him - he does have a valid reason for not wanting to invite him IMO - and it's unfair on Frank to be the only child left out.

In that situation I think I'd reduce the size of the party a bit so Frank wasn't singled out.

I think have a smaller party then he isn't the only child to be left out. I have only invited girls from the class to my dds parties and that was stressful enough, I spent two hours counting them and checking that they were all ok (my venue had an indoor and outdoor area).

cant you do something thats not for the entire class bar one?

Like make him choose 10 friends ?

If your DS wants a whole class (minus Frank) party and you are happy stick to your original plan, then I would not consider having a smaller party and not inviting children DS wants there.That is unfair on those children. And on your DS.

The issue is Frank's behaviour, and at his own party, despite the fact that there were plenty of people there, he was still able to be horrid to your DS. So there is every chance that even if the party is re-arranged so that ther is a special "Frank" patrol if Frank wanted to hit your DS then he'd find a way.
I would be talking to the parents and explaining what has been going on, including what happened at Franks party. Tell them you do not want to exclude one child but that your DS is upset and frightened. Ask them what they can suggest.

I think you should consider the possibility that not inviting Frank could make things a lot worse by alienating him further from the rest of the class. A four year old doesn't have the ability to reflect on their behaviour from weeks ago and make the connection that that is the reason for being excluded from the party. He will just feel angry and sad.

On the other hand, inviting Frank could provide an opportunity for your DS and Frank to have a nice (heavily supervised) time at the same place, and actually improve the situation.

No way would I be inviting Frank. However, rather than just leaving him out, I'd be explaining to his mum exactly why he has been uninvited.

His not attending the party is simply a direct result of his unkind behaviour. That'll learn him...

I'd also prep DS if asked by Frank to say he's not invited because he was mean at his party.

Why would you put your own child through that at their own birthday party? I wouldn't invite someone who had been fucking awful to me to my birthday and I'd think anyone who suggested I should specifically spend time with them had a screw loose.

My child comes first, not some nasty piece of work kid who doesn't know what discipline is.

Slightly off specific point but for those people who leave out a few people as they are not friends with their child. I teach boy with asd.. He doesn't really play with anyone despite all our best efforts but happily floats around at break time. After last weekend he was all excited telling me he had been to one of the boys houses for his birthday party. He had a great time. They have never played together ever as other boy is e extremely sporty and great mixer. If that mom stuck to friends only he would have missed a lovely time. Please think about these kids when doing friends only as the smile on his face as he told me all about the party was precious. He is no trouble just probably floated around at party in his own little world. As for Frank do invite but keep a person on his case constantly and call parents if can't manage him. Don't write him off at 4 and explain to your own child that he will be safe as you will be there. Maybe you can have very strict word with Frank when he is on your territory.

I would be as furious with Franks parents tbh. Who leaves a 4 year old sat alone in a corner at a party with their shoes and coat ready to go home. Just awful. I can't believe she failed to appropriately supervise her own son in persecuting yours for an entire party. Poor behaviour = consequences and I would not be inviting Frank, in the hope of teaching both him and his parents a lesson. And if they ask, I would be truthful.
Adults didn't listen to your DS at the party, listen to him now. He doesn't want him there.

"What a hideous attitude. You have no idea what's going on to make a little child behave like that. Do you think that kids with additional needs are just born with a fucking barcode on their arse, explaining exactly what's going on? Or perhaps, just perhaps, they start displaying difficult and challenging behaviour...

Speaking on behalf of parents with children with additional needs (even if that's a bit presumptious) and now a foster carer in the same situation THANK YOU. THANK YOU"

Why does Op's son have to have his birthday spoiled in order to protect the sensibilities of Frank, who we have no known evidence of having any difficulty there than bullying???

The thing is, I do not doubt for a second there are reasons for Frank's behaviour. Whether that reason is SEN or problems at home or whatever - I feel for Frank.

But Frank is not my responsibility. My DCs are.

Sorry, posted too soon.

And why should other children in the class be uninvited/ not invited? Why are none of the other children who might attending this party as important as Frank? Beggars belief.

It always amazes me that there are adults who would be prepared to leave one very small child out. If you don't want him then reduce the size of the party.

Until I read about what happened at Frank's party I'd have said to invite him as I hate to leave anybody out but after that, no way, let him miss out.