Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

Domestic the ds doesn't want to
Invite him.

Do you invite people you don't want to your house? Especially people who hit/punch you.

Look he's 4 so in the absence of his parents actually parenting him and teaching him concequences to his bad behaviour society, in the form of his friends, will begin to reject him.

It's a life lesson he needs to learn.

4 years old is old enough to know hurting someone is wrong.

Op after 4 children I am afraid this not retaliating business makes adults feel good but leaves children vulnerable. Teach him to not hit first but if he needs to then hit back to defend himself.

Bullies pick on the ones who don't hit them back. Fact of life I am afraid.

Actually I believe 'Frank' is five, if they are in reception and he recently had a party.

A little child can be a bully when they, er, bully other children.

I wouldn't invite the little shit

2am - I had a "little shit" who was never invited to any parties throughout his primary school years. Not one. Actually he had a tragic past (we adopted him) and he suffered from ADHD and Tourettes plus learning disabilties. He was the bravest person I have ever known, and the kindest, but his conditions made him appear different/badly behaved. The effects of being the only one left out last a lifetime. Now adult, it still effects him - he is over excited/over grateful when anyone does issue even a casual invitation to him - it is still heartbreaking to watch. Though at the time the one was who upset, time and time again, was me.

Sodthern116 I absolutely would not invite the entire class and leave one child out! And I would think any other parent who did this was a fucking disgrace.

A 4 or 5 yr old is not a bully. It is too young for many children to understand the implications of their actions, not all obviously, but some of you are posting under the assumption that all children are the same.

Samcro, this isn't a MN thing, these situations happen in RL, but sometimes there isn't a balance to the cries of "he's a bully" " he's a little shit". Thank god there is here.

I absolutely would not invite the entire class and leave one child out! And I would think any other parent who did this was a fucking disgrace.

I really wish my son had been in the same class as your children, DomesticBlisser

I would speak to Frank's parents and explain that you felt it would be unkind to exclude him but you must insist that an adult stays with him at the party.

I'd be glad if he wasn't if another child was prone to physically attacking him.

Because children don't know the tragic life histories of the child who is hurting them. They only know it hurts, and they feel weak and powerless and helpless. They feel angry and sad and frustrated. They feel afraid to go to school, unable to concentrate on lessons, lack self esteem, become and sometimes are suicidal.

Bullying does that to children - as you know.

'Frank' was not the victim here.

I wouldn't invite him. No way because I know I wouldn't be able to control myself if I saw him do something to my son. I'd be going for the mother. Irrational? Yes. But I wouldn't give a flying sack full of shit.

Maybe it'll give the parents something to mill over as to why their son was excluded.

It's your DS' birthday and if her feels this child will spoil his celebration then I wouldn't invite him.

You will probably have a contingent of people that think you are evil personified to leave him out but it boils down to whose feelings are more important - his or your son's - this isn't a blip, it's been ongoing and it now sounds like your son is genuinely scared of him.

Fwiw we didn't invite just two girls from DDs class to one party (none of the boys came either so it wasn't quite so bad). Even so, and in spite of being as discreet as possible, the one that DD really didn't want there did ask where her invitation was (I'm embarrassed to admit that selective hearing kicked in at that point).

I don't feel entirely comfortable about it five years later tbh, but I'd feel less comfortable if she's ruined my DD's birthday.

Don't invite - the kid is horrible to your child. Its your childs birthdayf ro god sake its supposed to be fun for him.

coconutpie
"wouldn't invite Frank. He's a bully and your child is afraid of him. And it is not a good message to say to a 4/5 year old that they should just suck it up and invite a bully to their birthday party so that the bully won't feel left out. Fuck that. Perhaps call up Frank's mother and explain the situation - if she's reasonable, she'll understand. If not, well that's her problem."

What a hideous attitude. You have no idea what's going on to make a little child behave like that. Do you think that kids with additional needs are just born with a fucking barcode on their arse, explaining exactly what's going on? Or perhaps, just perhaps, they start displaying difficult and challenging behaviour...
If a mother called me up and said she was inviting the entire class except my 4 year old without enquiring what might be causing his tricky behaviour I'd ensure that every single parent in the school knew what a spiteful vindictive cow she was, and ensure her social death. And that's whether my child upset hers or set fire to her fucking house. The child is FOUR.

Maybe it'll give the parents something to mill over as to why their son was excluded

I just felt I had to say something, sycamoremum as in the past you could have been referring to me. I adopted 4 children with a horrendous past, one of which could have been Frank. He had hidden disabilities and also suffered from autism, Tourettes (which caused the most ill feeling amongst other parents) and learning disabilities. I could have spent 20 years mulling over which my son was excluded from all parties, but it would have made no difference. It was NOT my parenting which was responsible and so I hope you'll understand I feel for Frank's parents who may well have done much "mulling" too. I was NOT a bad parent. I am now a foster carer looking after the most difficult to place children with very complex needs. Sorry, you probably do not need me to say this, am going off at a tangent. But your words above truly upset me - which of course is my problem, and not yours. Sorry!

I'd invite him, but I'd make sure you had his parents telephone number and I'd be all over it at the first sign of any trouble - perhaps enlist extra adults to help out (probably useful with 30 unattended 4-5 yr olds anyway) and ring his parents at the first sign of any trouble.

The op isn't evil personified as she's obviously thinking carefully about this.
Yes Frank isn't the victim here, but at a party it is entirely possibly to supervise him closely so that on this occasion no-one is the victim.

Don't invite him, it's your sons special day.

What a hideous attitude. You have no idea what's going on to make a little child behave like that. Do you think that kids with additional needs are just born with a fucking barcode on their arse, explaining exactly what's going on? Or perhaps, just perhaps, they start displaying difficult and challenging behaviour...

Speaking on behalf of parents with children with additional needs (even if that's a bit presumptious) and now a foster carer in the same situation THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

btw have nothing at all against the OP, who must do as she sees fit, it is the other more unkind responses that have upset me today. Op, hope your little boy has a lovely birthday.

I wouldn't invite him, purely because your son doesn't want him there.

But if you only exclude him and invite the rest of the class, remember that for the next six years a proportion of the parents are going to really enjoy being judgemental about That Mum Who Invited All The Kids Except One. And if the kid does turn out to have special needs, or grows out of this phase, or if it just turns out that you've slightly got the wrong end of the stick, all of which are highly likely, it's going to be excruciating.

Basically, don't invite him, but be a bit tactful about it.

Its hard but realistically, what if (like in the Op's situation) you have the kid physically hurting/frightening your child but the kids parents do FA about it? At what point do you find it acceptable for the other parent to put their own childs feelings before yours?

river in all fairness, you don't seem the same type of parent as what the OP is dealing with here.

"But if you only exclude him and invite the rest of the class, remember that for the next six years a proportion of the parents are going to really enjoy being judgemental about That Mum Who Invited All The Kids Except One."

Or they'll do what happened to a child at my dc's old school and all follow suit.

LeChien do you mean the same child was then excluded by everyone? Or the child of the horrible mother was excluded by everyone?

Or they'll do what happened to a child at my dc's old school and all follow suit.

Yes, that's what happened to my son, one parent decided not to invite him as he swears (he suffered from Tourettes) and invitations were ever been issued to him or his brothers again. It was very upsetting. My sons just accepted this however, as they were just too nice and understanding, and have never thought ill of anyone.

I just now thought of this too. Of all the children I have fostered over the years, not one has ever been invited to a party either. Interesting??!

NO invitations I meant

The child (the equivalent of Frank) wasn't invited to any others.
Other parents seemed grateful that the original mother had made the decision which paved the way for them to do the same without feeling guilty.
The child in this case was diagnosed with ASD when he was 7.

validate your son's feelings-but also don't ask the whole class. Let your son choose 20 maybe- they'll have more space to play and your son will know you have his back without question.