Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

Sorry missed your last post.

In that case, yes invite family, siblings, friends from outside to make up a nice group but not Frank!

I agree with Maryz re having to talk to your ds. I agree on paper that being nice is better than retaliating. But then it's also important that your ds learns to stand up for himself and to say NO if he is not happy.
As a teacher said once to my dcs. I'm supposed to teach you not to retaliate, to ask for help etc when someone is bullying you. But the reality is that sometimes, retaliation and hitting the bully is the only thing that works.
I agree (even though this is clearly NOT a case of bullying there!). You can't ask children to be constantly nice to others when said others are behaving so badly.

I've been here with my sons actually. Invite Frank but make it clear that naughty behaviour will not be tolerated and that you will call his mother as soon as he starts. If he does start, come down on him like a ton of bricks and call his mother to take him home. He sounds like a right little shit. Good luck!

I wouldn't invite Frank. He's a bully and your child is afraid of him. And it is not a good message to say to a 4/5 year old that they should just suck it up and invite a bully to their birthday party so that the bully won't feel left out. Fuck that. Perhaps call up Frank's mother and explain the situation - if she's reasonable, she'll understand. If not, well that's her problem.

I'm with coconutpie on this.

I wouldn't invite Frank, particularly as your son has expressly said he doesnt want him there.

IF you invited him, but with the caveat that if he misbehaves you'll ring his mum to come and fetch him - would she actually come? Or is she the sort (based on his general behaviour and at his own party) who either thinks he can do no wrong, or cba? Because if not, it's an empty threat and makes it worse for your ds if you've said she will and then she doesn't and he's stuck with Frank for the whole party.

I knew someone with similar issue although francesca in this case and 10 years old. She had behaved disgracefully to my friend's child and cursed at my friend, the mum. She was originally on the whole class birthday list but the mum was concerned about the message she was sending her daughter-do you put up with someone treating you badly because of what others think?

In the end, after some role play with the dd, the birthday girl gave out the invites and when (immediately) questioned by francesca explained she had an invite for her but she hadn't been much of a friend and she wasn't going to have that at her party. Dually noted francesca apologised and took it on board, she needed a good fright, and went to the party but on the dd's terms.

Could you facilitate something similar with frank ahead of party and it would show your son you are listening to him. I would definitely tell the mum I won't have ds badly treated and I would tell him that too.

mikado I can see that working at 10 but not at four or five. More likely the response would be more bullying or teasing of the OP's child.

It is so hard OP I had this with my eldest son at exactly the same age except the child in question was a girl. I told him he had to invite everyone because how would he feel if he was the one left out. I suppose it helped that I knew this child didn't have the greatest home life and no way was I going to single her out.

She came and she was a sweetie actually, only one child caused a problem stamping on children's feet. I took him aside and had a little chat and let him calm down. It was fine. Invite him, I know it is hard but little feelings can be hurt. I would definitely have a 'Frank' patrol though. I hope it goes well.

I'd be inclined to scale back the party, I thiunk - or just invite a handful from the class along with friends from outside of school. I'm not sure what I would do if it's a choice between leaving Frank out or forcing DS to have him there. You could, as people have suggested, invite him but deal robustly with any issues (as in, have him sitting at the side watching and not playing if he can't behave). I would also have spoken to his parents about why they didn't ring you when he wanted to come home.

The thing is, if you don't invite him it is a definite snub and is sending a message to his parents that's quite unambiguous - there will never be any chance of smoothing it over or of your children getting along in future. But I can see why you wouldn't want DS's birthday ruined by having him there and I don't think it's fair to force him to have someone at his party who treats him horribly. It's really difficult!

I wouldn't invite him, and I would go ahead with the party as planned, with the rest of the class invited.

It's a shame because we're having the whole place to ourselves and a big bouncy castle so 30 kids would have been brilliant. I'll see where I can make the numbers up from

I just saw this post (I thought I had read the whole thread, obviously not) but big class parties are utterly exhausting, enjoy a smaller one

I wouldn't invite Frank. Dd1 Is 3 and she absolutely KNOWS that if she is mean to other kids, then they won't want to play with her. 4/5 is definitely old enough to accept that bad actions= bad consequences IMO.

This is your sons birthday. You really shouldn't have to alter your plans (did he want the "big party"?) Just to save his bullies feelings. No, it won't be very nice for "frank" but he has his parents there to look after his wellbeing just like your son should have you to look after his.

You might be surprised. I invited one little girl reluctantly to dd's party as she can be a bit of a nightmare at school but she was angelic, it was actually one of dd's best friends who was a complete pita!

I wouldn't have 25 dc at softplay, are you mad.
from what I remember you are expected to be responsible for them all.
Then a member of staff brings food, plays some games etc.
The rest of the time the dc are in soft play.
No way would I do more than 15 and then have lots of adults on crowd control.

I was you 2 years ago OP and I got flamed. My dd was so upset by this one girl that she spent nearly a year to scared to go to school and we had tears every day.
I did not invite that child and I don't care what anyone says, it was my DDs birthday and she deserved a nice party with her friends but I have very thick skin.

My post is all from what I'd do out of principal BTW. Practically the best option is a balloon, a takeaway and 1 friend begrudgingly to share the experience with

I genuinely thought that I loved children and looked forward to throwing all of dds future parties until I went to my dn(6) first class party

Who knew that children (collectively) could be so soul destroying???

I would just invite fewer DC so that frank is not the only one not invited. Bonus if that meant less catering/party bag tat!

only on mn would someone consider changing their sons party . to spare the feelings of the child that bullies him.

I'm trying to word this carefully so as not to make out like you should be out to get Frank but could you (and a helpful team of like-minded parents) use this as an opportunity to show Frank some proper discipline (I really mean that in the good parenting sense - it's not meant to be some sort of veiled threat) and what is an acceptable way to act with friends and in particular, your DS. If he doesn't play nice, he needs to sit out - it doesn't sound like he's had this as a strong message. Could be your chance to change the dynamic!

Why should a load of other children lose their place at the party to act as a smokescreen for the fact that Frank isn't there? The bare bones of it is; if the party child wanted Frank there, he would be. He doesn't.

I wouldn't invite him.

Sorry, but life's too short and childhood is precious. I wouldn't want my child's 5th birthday party being remembered as the one the class bully was allowed to come to and ruin. A birthday party is an especially big deal to a five year old child. Bugger the playground politics. Frank is making aspects of your wee one's life miserable. When all the birthday invites dry up for Frank, both him and his parents will end up learning the hard way.

You don't reward the bully and make the victim suffer their presence. My DD recently had her 8th birthday party. We deliberately didn't invite two girls from her class because she has problems with them being spiteful and ganging up on her at school. She told me she didn't want them at her party. Fine by me. It was her party and I wasn't about to make it a horrible experience for her.

Both mothers of both girls have since found me on FB and private messaged me, asking why their daughters were the only ones not invited. I politely explained that there were some ongoing issues with bullying and that I had contacted the school about these issues recently. The school put some steps in place and have reassured me that if they don't work, they will escalate the problem and contact the other parents. The steps aren't working and DD is still being singled out, so I have every confidence that the parents will be contacted within the next week or two. Neither mum took the news especially well, but I don't care. At the end of the day, I'm here to fight my DD's corner and protect her.

I give not a single shit about protecting the feelings of those who are actively hurting my daughter. As far as I'm concerned, I've sent a very clear message to the children and the parents involved - be nice of fuck off

Be nice or fuck off

Never mind the kids, I should make that MY life moto!

Don't invite him.

It's your son's birthday party. Why should it be spoiled for him because of trying to be PC to some kid who scared/ upset him and who isn't controlled by his parents?

I know it's not an easy one, but your son's interests trump Frank's at his own party!

Is this thread for real?

How can a little child of four be a "little shit" and a "bully? What sort of a parent invites everyone and leaves one child out?

What a DISGUSTING attitude.

Well little children if only 4yo can hit and hurt and be mean and generally be a pain to other little 4yo.

So the question is: is the well being of one little 4yo trumping the well being if another little 4yo?

Genuine question there. If it's hard to protect the child that is getting hurt (because if the location etc etc), is it fair to put him through an ordeal again?