Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

One of the problems when there are behavioural issues is the the reason doesn't change the outcome. The child causing the problem is still harming another child, they may or may not be in control of that harm but the damage is still being done.

Walking the line of protecting your child whilst not alienating another child for something which isn't their fault is hard, it's doable but it's not easy. I'm not convinced that most schools are willing (or have the staff?) to do the kind of intensive work needed on both sides of the problem, I'm also keenly aware that for a parent who is already emotionally exhausted to then teach another parent how to manage their child is a big ask.

A party isn't the right time to try and overcome issues, but highlighting issues so the frank can access any support he needs is no bad thing...and making sure the op's ds is aware that people can change!

A friend of mine had a class party once and left out 1 child. She didn't give a flying fuck and I don't blame her.

He came to my DS's party, was left by his dad and was a bloody pain. The mum who told the dad she would supervise had to get him to stop swinging off the DJ's speakers. He was rude to me about his party bag and a pain with taking food he just wasn't eating. He was difficult in school and always in trouble. Another party he went to he punched the DJ in the stomach (dad dropped him off again) and bit another parent on the leg so hard it left a bruise for about 4 days!

One time he went for a girl in the line and 2 parents had to hold him off her because he was going to really go for her. He was an utter horror. We were all very relieved when he left.

I would never change a party I wanted to throw my child because of one horror. Why should they be allowed to ruin it. You have come up with a sensible solution though so hope it goes well.

Why should other kids be excluded on the the basis of another child's behaviour? Won't that be hurtful to the kids that haven't actually done anything wrong? Invite all the kids that your ds likes op and if Franks parents question why, then tell them the truth but they will probably already know. If it was my dc that wasn't invited, I'd be telling him why!

Yeah I don't think you should change your plans because of one disruptive child. Just don't invite him - simple as. IF questioned about it, by the child's parents or anyone else you simply say, "My son was scared to bits at Frank's party, by Frank. I would like him to have a happy party and to look forward to it with pleasure and anticipation rather than dread".

You will be showing your da that you are empathising with him and putting his needs above those of a disruptive child who was horrible to him. I think it would be v confusing to your ds if he felt you were prioritising Frank's feelings over his own.

No it may not be the most politically correct thing to do but I really can't be doing with hand wringing over other people's problems. Frank is a problem that his parents need to deal with, (and I'm sure it may be quite enlightening to them to realise how much his behaviour has affected your ds) not you and an army of reinforcement brought in to help at your ds's party.

Your ds's party is supposed to be a special occasion that is all about your ds, not a fraught experience where you and your ds are constantly on edge.

And some people on here need to get off your back op. You can't just assume that there's an additional need for the cause of Franks behaviour. It is your dc party and he should have it how he likes.

Uglyjelly no one is on the OP's back. It's the shockingly compassionless and ignorant comments on this thread that are vexatious.

If I was being particularly brave I'd not send an invite but text or talk to the parent and explain that Ds was so upset by the constant hitting and nastiness that you don't feel you can invite him. Then if the parent reacted appropriately us think about letting him come with reassurances of parental supervision. If not stick to your guns and say you're very sorry and you'd be happy to invite him when he's learnt more positive ways of interacting.

But in reality (!), I'd probably invite but be prepared. At DS party I did a whole class invite but had adult helpers all of whom were thoroughly briefed and took in turn to be on 'phil-watch'. Ds knew the plan and understood he was fully protected and we had a foolproof plan so he could relax. I'm glad I did that as I hadn't met 'Phil' though I'd heard a lot about him, and as soon as I did meet him it was obvious he had sn and wasnt misbehaving out of malice.

I couldn't leave out one dc from a whole class party. I would Put on his invite parent to stay and supervise though.

No way I'd invite Frank. Your child is upset by him.
But I'd do a totally different event with your boy's five or six mates. Something that the whole class couldn't possibly all be invited to anyway.

If your ds is afraid of him and doesn't want him there then his wishes should be respected. For Frank (I have a dgs called Frank) he will learn that there are consequences for his bad behaviour and he should be told,"You were mean to X when he came to your party so you cannot go to his. If you are unkind to people they won't want to play with you." If this is done (by his mother) then there is a chance he will be better behaved next time.

It's up to the birthday person child or adult to decide who comes to their party.

A birthday party isn't a social experiment or a complicated angst of parenting. It's not about other chikdrens/adults needs or wants.

It's the treat and the celebration of the birthday person and they should invite people they like.

WTAF do adults feel children should suck up and put up with being hit/punched and bullied.

Wierd.

Yes you are on her back. You're asking her to consider the feelings of a child who is a bully to her ds. It's her ds special day. 1 day out of a year. Hardly think it will scar Frank for life. And as I've already said, if it was my child excluded, I'd take on the reasons why.

Ugly, no-one has been on the op's back. She asked for opinions, we've given ours.
All we've been trying to point out is that 5 is very young to label a child a bully. It's an age when social skills are still developing. It's relatively common for children that age to have some difficulties, especially at a party. It's not ok to call him a bully.

If a child has shown extremely negative and aggressive behaviour, then it is fine for them to see the consequences of that by being the only child lady out of a party. Whether they have SN or not is irrelevant, we can't just ignore behaviour like that in children without creating anti social adults.

Frank shouldn't be invited. OP is clearly not excluding a child lightly, and she has more responsibility to her own child than she does to anyone else's. It would be harmful for her child if she invited someone that is so horrible to him to his party.

How on earth can a child that young, who barely understands the world, be a bully? How? How are they able to maliciously premeditate for their own ends? What a ridiculous statement.

And of course the OP is considering the other child - that's why she bloody posted. No one is on her back.

To leave out one single tiny child, for whatever reason is despicable. I'm astonished that anyone might think otherwise.

Of course the OPs child's opinion is important but the situation can be managed with compassion and without demonising a little boy.

There's no way on earth is celebrate my dc's special day by inviting someone who bullied him. It's good to let Frank know that actions have consequences. But most importantly you want your ds to have a nice time.

Oh that's ok then. Op ruin your ds birthday party by inviting the child who violently bullies him so much he's terrified because otherwise you might get a few noses put out of joint on MN. I'm leaving this thread due to the fact that there is actual people out there who think it is ok to justify this behaviour and be rewarded with an invite to a party.

Bullying, a definition:

"Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict."

How can this describe a 4 year old?

It was a supervised party. The people at fault are those that should have been supervising.

Frank will never be 'socialised' if he's excluded. I understand the reluctance, I really do, but there is no reason his behaviour can't be successfully managed on this occasion.

And to uninvite when he may not be in control of his behaviour or understand (due to parenting/lack of) what he's done wrong is unduly harsh.

I couldn't do it.

Uglyjelly your posts indicate that you're deliberately missing the point. No one is justifying bad behaviour - except those who think it's ok to exclude a little boy in this way.

I think children's birthdays are incredibly special and not the time for political correctness. If your budget can stand it, let your son invite all his friends to his party. If that's the whole class except one, so be it. I wouldn't feel bad, or care what people think. It's YOUR SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

What about the way the boy who is scared feels?! Jeez. He is four and supposed to crack on and let the boy he's scared of to his birthday party?!

Bizarre.

Are you really as awful as that post of yours makes you sound, Brownieswithicecream?

Frank will never be socialised if he's permanently excluded from all events, but it's emphatically not DS's job, or OP's job to socialise Frank.

No-one's justifying the behaviour.
The child is not going to learn from being excluded. He will learn by being supervised and taught appropriate behaviour.
5 is too young to understand consequences/rewards spread out over time.